|This image seems so familiar...|
I’m tired - surprisingly tired. My determined effort to make progress on the things that need to change in this big house continues. But even the most minor movements forward are exhausting.
I remember this type of tired. It’s not the “I haven’t slept for 10 days” tired. It’s not even a “I’ve been re-roofing my house” tired. It’s different but familiar. I haven’t felt it since, well, Maggie was with me to lift me through the exhaustion with her smile. Now, I have no reward. I have no sweet angel's smile to push me forward. Even progress is no reward. I only have what It Is.
It Is me sorting through books wondering if she read them, when she read them or why the heck she read them. It Is me flipping through the pages of the books and finding purchase receipts or random notes used as bookmarks, looking at the dates on the receipts and trying REALLY HARD not to go down that If I Only Would Have path to Crazy Town.
It Is me sorting through the silverware wondering what the heck this particular serving spoon was used for or if this thingy was expensive or if this what-the-hell was a gift someone gave us that I should be remember and maybe offer back as a memorial.
It Is me wondering why the heck we have so many wine glasses…. And then choosing to separate those down to only the matching sets even though I don’t drink (and have never drank) wine.
It Is me doing every possible thing I can do to stay committed while I push with every ounce of strength I can summon as I stumble clumsily yet with surprising clarity through this insanity. Yup. That's what It Is.
Last Wednesday and Thursday I took pictures off the walls. (Yes, it literally took two days.) Saturday, slowly and with many, many tears, I took the pictures out of the frames and placed them on the coffee table. Sunday…. Oh, lord, Sunday, I put the pictures away in a box.
I’m so tired.
I will not stop. I will honor my wife, my love, my Maggie by completing this task. One life was lost despite every desperate effort we made otherwise. I refuse to allow one lost life devolve into two. It's now my job to look after the one she cared the most about. Thus, to honor her, I will exert every effort I have left in my soul to find my new life. I will not fail. I have little to lose because I have so little left. But that's more than Maggie has and, for her, I will not stop.
But I’m so tired.