Friday, May 16, 2014

Energy Force

Do you ever have those moments, where you can't really explain why or how, but you just know that the person you lost whom you loved most, is nearby, or in the room with you? It is more of a feeling really - rather than something that can be analyzed or broken down. Sometimes it is inside the gust of wind that whispers by on a cold, crisp autumn day. Other times it is hiding within the melody of a beautiful song, or in someone else's laugh or smile or voice. You hear them. You see them. You feel them. There is no need to question it's reality, because it just is. It exists inside of you, and all around you, surrounding you like air that only you can breathe in.

There are times when I am sitting somewhere, alone, and then I suddenly know and feel very strongly my husband's presence. A lot of times he will say something to me. Something specific, and something that only he would say. I will actually hear his voice, like a small soul in my eardrum, carrying me into the next minute or hour or day. There are other instances when I am confronted with pieces and fragments of my husband, inside of another person. Like when I met his sister for the first and only time, after he died, and I could see that her reddish skin on her arms and back was the same skin he had, and her ice blue ocean eyes were his blue eyes, looking at me sweetly once again.

This week I went to my weekly grief counseling session, and I was feeling extremely emotional and unstable somehow. I felt like at any given moment, I was going to collapse in the sadness of missing him, and when I walked into the room where she stood, holding the door open for me, I found myself asking and saying out loud to her: "Can I please have a hug?" This is not something I would normally say, as I am normally awkward and uncomfortable with too much intimacy, and I am not the hugging type. But it felt like the exact right moment to ask that, and it also felt like someone inside me, or the wind, was pushing me to ask the question. "Just ask her, Boo", I heard him say. "It's okay." So I did. Her response was an immediate: "Of course you can have a hug", and then she hugged me. And in that tiny moment, her arms became his arms, and her warmth became his, and I sobbed and sobbed for the next 90 minutes or so as I shared with her all of the feelings that sat inside me, releasing them out into the sky.

She hugged me. And he hugged me too. It was poetic, and beautiful, and so very necessary. Something was in the air that day. It was him. He was there, which is not the same as him being here. Here. But it is still incredibly special. I sort of picture my husband as floating around in the universe somewhere - everywhere. His energy spots me, and becomes my shadow, trailing behind in an invisible path, waiting until it is safe to hug me.


  1. Kelly when are you going to finish your book? I so look forward to your posts every Friday. You are awesome!

  2. I am taking the summer to finish writing it and editing, and then self publishing late this fall. Id like to have it done for November 6th, which would have been my husbands 50th bday. I will keep everyone updated, and thanks so much for the support!

  3. YES I feel his presence - or at least I imagine I do, often. It's comforting in a way, most of the time. I'm glad you have support and I look forward to your book too.

  4. dear Kelley,

    your post is so beautifully and poignantly written and I am so grateful to read the words that capture what I also experience. besides missing Hugh so terribly, I have tremendous obstacles to overcome about anxiety - mostly about being alone in making finances work, home improvements, and all the usual detritus of practical matters that need to be attended to, and which I rarely understand. when I go to the mailbox each day, it feels like I am entering a war zone - I don't know the next big bomb that's going to land and knock me off my hind legs.
    I try to have several periods each day to empty my mind and just be, and that's often when I feels His presence. last week in those quiet moments I heard His voice; he said, "don't worry, don't Worry, Do Not Worry! all is as it should be. and everything will be alright." it's so typical of Him and how loving and protective he was, always encouraging me and explaining the finer points of things to show me I needn't fret. so I have taken what I heard Him say into my heart and mind, and repeat those words to myself again and again. they give me great comfort, and hope that all WILL be alright.

    I am sending you all my best thoughts and good wishes for launching your book,, and thank you for the update. I can't wait to read it!

    much love,

    Karen xoxo

    1. Karen, this is so beautiful, and I know he was talking to you that day. I also have similar financial worries and stresses and anxiety and all that .. I get it. Its very hard. But finding some tiny comfort in our partners energy is a beautiful thing. xo....

  5. Yes, I do have those moments when I feel his presence. They give me hope to go on, knowing he is still with me in some form.

    As Bill Bryson (A Short History of Everything) says: "Every atom you possess has almost certainly passed through several stars and been part of millions of organism on its way to becoming you. ...So we are all reincarnations - though short lived ones. When we die our atoms will disassemble and move off to find new uses elsewhere - as part of a leaf or other human being or drop of dew."

    He is still here, just not in the form that I can see or touch.

    1. Oooooh I like that quote a lot. Makes total sense to me. Thanks.