Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Lost Time

John's hospital stay threw me out of sync.  Not just in terms of the stress that came out of that situation with the additional health implication for him because of Daddy's illness, but I've lost another week of time in my brain...

I still feel like I lost a year.

Over the weekend our church community celebrated the marriage of two members, and friends there celebrated their 18th wedding anniversary, so the discussions naturally drifted to how long various couple have been together/married.   So I joined in talking about how long I'd known Ian and how long we would have been married. 

And I keep missing a year  - the 2012/13 Australian financial year is pretty much gone.  Even writing this post I've had to sit and really think about dates and time.  I hate that it's not off the top of my head, that I need to go back and mentally calculate - "it's 2014, we married in 2011, that makes three years since we got married". 

Which in my rational head is crazy. 

You see, I know how old John is off the top of my head...

We married 4 months after he was born!!   The only math I should need is subtracting "one" for how long Ian's been gone since he died so soon after our first anniversary.

But I struggle with it.  When remembering/thinking/talking about time in respect to my relationship with Ian, a year is gone; like he's been gone one year less than he actually has. Much of the rest of my life in that first year is fuzzy, too.  If I want to recall something from that first year of widowhood, I feel like I'm scratching and clawing over the edge of a black hole to grab on to those memories and draw them out.  Just memories with strong emotions are easy to access - very happy ones like John's 2nd birthday party, or watching Ian's mum play with John at Christmas Lunch 2012.

I don't feel sad about it, but I am annoyed and frustrated by it.   

And now I've lost another week and I'm crazily trying to catch up to keep to some study deadlines which I'm still sure I have an extra week to go on, but my calendar tells me no, I have some 12 hours only!! 


  1. Shock and grief do funny things to memory. The first three months after my wife's death are a blur. It wasn't until my sister mentioned the drive to see my mother in law that I recalled that trip. I knew she had stayed with me for about a month, but I didn't recall making the five hour drive with her.

    And on the better side, during my grief I recalled many of the happy times Laura and I had together. Occasions that had faded into the background over the years. I'm fortunate that we had 28 years of marriage together, but would gladly have accepted many more.

  2. Paul, you're right - some memories are so much sharper, and come back - it's like you follow a trail through your memories.

  3. dear Kerryl,

    I find myself lost in time so often - it sometimes feels as though I am going insane! i am constantly adding, subtracting - math calculations that don't always sync with memory because that particular memory has not surfaced. but i am learning that our entire essence - our minds, bodies, hearts, spirits or soul for those who believe - all carry the ability to hang onto memories, and that those memories can stay dormant until a trigger unleashes them. and just because we resolve the memory/trigger that has been held in one place within ourselves, doesn't mean it isn't buried in some other place that may have a different meaning for us. as time evolves, it adds to the complexity - so if we feel something out of whack, but just can't get to the root of it, it's not that we are crazy, just another case of all in good time. of course, when it's happening, it's hard to be philosophical - grief is so confusing!

    i think you did many of us a great service with this post, written so well and with such honesty. thank you; and i hope that you will find comfort and resolution with the 2012/2013 Australian financial period.

    much love,

    Karen xoxo