I shuddered the other day when I realized that he's been dead for 15 months. In our 24 years together, we've never been apart this long.
15 months. I still don't remember what it felt like to have him next to me and it still kills me that this is so. I look at pictures and they are only memories, times that will never be again.
And yet.
And yet, it was only a heart beat since he and I danced in Death Valley in what would turn out to be our last dance.
Time and distance and memories and heart break and grief that doesn't kill you and you wonder why but you have to build a life so you do. You do your damndest to create a life that will shout and scream defiance to death but nothing seeps into your heart which holds so much grief but also Love because he left so much behind and that's what you're living on. Well, that and chocolate. And diet pepsi.
I'm still young, though I shudder to think what my insides look like after eating like shit for 15 months and not exercising. Theoretically, I could live for another 30 years.
30 years without him....no, I don't like that idea at all.
So, I don't think of those years. I don't think of next year or next month or even tomorrow. I look down at my feet and see where I'm standing and I stay right here. Anything else is too painful to contemplate.
He was in my life forever, or 24 years, whichever came first. He's been gone for 15 months, or forever, whichever comes first. I'll live the rest of my life without him, however you count.
In this life of without-ness, I send a wish to the Universe that I may create a life canvas of such beauty and color that all who observe it, even for an instant, will be in awe of the startling swaths of Love that swirl and dip within it, and know that it is all in memory and honor of this man, my husband, who so loved me, and who was so loved by me. That this Love will seek its' deepest point within me and radiate outwards in such a way that the world is blinded by its' shine. Let Love shimmer and burst forth until I truly become my daily mantra....Nothin' But Love...
Let Love shine~
Fantastic picture of you two!
ReplyDeleteOne of my favorites too-what a lovely day that was~
Deletethank you for saying you still don't remember. it has been 3 1/2 months and I cannot hear his voice or remember him next to me and it makes me feel more normal to know that someone else feels that too.
ReplyDeleteI suspect that there are many of us to whom this would sound familiar. Death is traumatic and our brains constantly misfire, I swear~
DeleteI didn't remember a lot for a long time. The things I did remember were visuals without emotions, it scared me at the time, I was afraid that was all I would have. Then the memories came back. I think my brain was protecting me? I don't know. My memories came back and now sometimes my memories take my breath away, I remember so vividly. I am grateful for remembering, but the pain it creates is really hard. It will be three years in a couple of weeks.
ReplyDeleteIt's been three hellish years for me this past June 21st. How is it possible to still be this devastated and still cry at songs, memories, and to ache for his touch, his lips, his arms around me making me feel so protected. How do we live like this until we take our last breath?
DeleteI don't know. I wish I knew. I go one day at a time and try to hope. I couldn't hope for anything until probably the last six months. Now I try to have hope sometimes, but often times it is just still despair. I suppose having hope at all is progress? I hope we, and all of us, find some peace.
DeleteLove. Yes.
ReplyDeleteIt's been 4 years and 12 days since my beloved husband died in my arms from Meslthelioma. There are many days since his passing I just get through it...all I can do. He encouraged me and loved the art I create. Inspired by our life together, faith and a bit of surviving humor I press on. Now I am out to be the best me I can possibly be without him. To touch lives and hearts that may someday remember me as those my husband left behind remember him ! Hugs and prayers from Kansas
ReplyDelete