Just keep swimming,
just keep swimming...
-Dory, Finding Nemo
Mike was an enormous presence - truly larger-than-life. He
had a childlike spirit; a wondrous, awe-filled approach to life, loved having
fun and pushing the limits. A geek his entire life, he obsessed about things
like Star Wars, Robin Hood, Doc Savage, Lord of the Rings, comic book
characters, and so forth. Like a little kid he still got a kick out of wearing all kinds of silly hats and
costumes. So our house became filled with his stuff as if he were eternally 14
years old. Martial arts paraphernalia. Musical instruments. Posters. Action
figures. Books. Statues. Hats. Gadgets. Feathers. Arrows. Pictures. Stuff. Things.
Trinkets. Everywhere. Everywhere. Everywhere.
The few pieces I had became lost in all his bits. But I
didn't care. Mike World was a pretty nice place to live, most days.
Until he died.
For the better part of the first year, a lot of his stuff
remained in situ. But the heaviness I felt to be left alone surrounded by all
the toys he'd never play with again was intense. I felt like I was drowning. It
dawned on me that you really can't take it with you - nor is anyone only defined
by things. Sentimentality and nostalgia is comforting to a point, but for me
personally, I had to draw a line, or I would have simply become an artifact
myself; paralyzed, unable to see a way through to any sort of future without
him.
About nine months after he left us I had a massive breakdown
in his room, which had become a cluttered but powerful shrine to this unique
person. The next day I sat in there for a long time, just being with all the
familiar things that had surrounded me for so many years. I realized I was
ready to start making changes. I talked to my therapist who supported me in this
call. I knew many people live for years with their spouse's things, and I
understand why - again it's maybe just one of those things that can't be
defined as right or wrong in grief. Everyone has to do what feels right for them. So I called his two girls, my stepdaughters, and after much
heartfelt discussion we agreed to go through his things together a couple of
weeks later so I could begin the task of clearing out that space, both
physically, and emotionally.
Even though I have kept a few chosen things, I was left with
a shockingly barren living space. Even my walls were mostly empty. Still, his presence
remains strong - and maybe that's as it should be. I'm ok with that, most days.
But I know I need to make it my own, as long as I stay in this house; to find
myself again, in my surroundings, and in my own life. To rediscover what
Stephanie World is. I have to face the terrible fact that I could have many
more years on this earth without him. I have to find a way to retain the memories, but still come up for air.
My dear friend and fellow widow Margaret came to stay with
me for a few days on the anniversary of his death in February. We spent some
time walking around Kona's little shops and found ourselves in a store that
sells beautiful photographs of the islands. It occurred to me I could find
something that resonated with me personally - maybe I could find something
meaningful to fill my empty walls that wouldn't only remind me of Mike and his
world. Maybe I was ready for that.
As I looked through the photos, almost every single one
reminded me of Mike. Oh, he would have loved that. Oh, didn't he just love
this, and that, and just about everything Hawaii. I moved sort of agonizingly
to the next stack. I came across a photo of a shark. Aack. Margaret saw me and said, you know, sharks will die if they
don't keep swimming. They are like manta rays that way, which are her special
totem animal. (On the one year mark for me, we went swimming together with the
mantas here - a surreal and beautiful experience - much better than the surreal
and horrific day one year earlier.) We looked at each other knowingly. We
knew we needed to find a way to keep moving forward, somehow. We had spent
already many months texting and emailing each other the support and confidence
to do just that.
I bought that photograph, and put it on the wall next to my
bed. Now, I look up and see not a monster, but a survivor; a being who must continually
move forward in order to breathe. When I look at it I get a small feeling of
accomplishment and relief. I was able to create the first little new corner of
Stephanie World, and it feels pretty ok.
I'm going to keep swimming.
Thank you, Stephanie. I read this Widow Blog everyday, and I gain so much support from this site. I've commented a few times on different entries, but today I want to thank you for this post. My 52 year old husband passed away suddenly more than two years ago from an undetected Pulmonary Embolism. He had recently returned from a business trip to Washington, DC. His suitcase from that last trip is still sitting in the corner of our bedroom, still containing items from his last trip. I just haven't been able to unpack it and put the things away. I'm going to try really hard to work on that soon.
ReplyDeleteThank you Leslie. I think we all need to do these things in our own time and not feel pressured about it either way. If we feel ready to make these changes then no one should be able to tell us otherwise. If we want to keep things the same that's ok too. It does symbolize quite a lot, I think - once we've put their things away, it's like saying goodbye all over again. It feels like they're that much farther away, and it can be hard. Like I said - I've kept a few things around and it feels right for me. Hope you find a way to process it that feels ok for you. I'm so sorry for your loss. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteWe are all different and are able to release objects at different times. I got rid of my wife's clothing right away. Other things have gone more slowly. Occasionally I'll look at something and ask myself it means anything to me or was it just something for Laura.
ReplyDeleteOne widower I know had his friends clean everything out only two weeks after his wife died.
I think we all need to listen to what feels right. Maybe release things a bit out of our comfort zone, but only if we feel that feels somewhat right.
Hi Paul, yes, I agree. It's all what feels right for us. Thank you for sharing this.
ReplyDeletedear Stephanie,
ReplyDeleteI am so glad your were able to come to terms with your dear Mike's things and be able to begin to create an environment in your home that doesn't feel so painful. I loved hearing about how whimsical and endearing Mike was, and know that the memories and the things you have kept will sometimes bring tears, but also smiles and laughter as well. I am so sorry for your loss. but I am glad you intend to keep swimming.
much love,
Karen xox
Hi Karen, thank you for writing. Your support means so much.
Delete<3
ReplyDeleteRedefining who we are as individuals is not an easy process Stephanie. Neither is dealing with "stuff". It's a big step forward for sure. I absolutely love the illustration that you used of the shark being a survivor, always needing to move forward. It's so perfect because we are survivors, and that's all we can do is keep moving forward, even when we don't want to. Especially when we don't want to. Thanks for an amazing post!
ReplyDeleteHi Glenn, it's nice to know you are out there and can relate. It's such a difficult process, but a little easier knowing I'm not alone. Thank you again for your wonderful support.
DeleteHugs to all of you who suffer and survive along with me...Thank you for your wise words
ReplyDeleteMy God, that's beautiful.
ReplyDelete