In 1998/99 I spent a year living and teaching English conversation in Japan.
And up until recently, I would describe that year in many ways as 'existing', not 'living'. But in retrospect, I had something resembling a life there, not a great one, but I was engaged socially with the expat community.
Now at home, as a widow, I really find I'm in a period of 'existing', not living.
I'm disconnected and disengaged from uni - it's so easy to think 'I'll catch up with that lecture on line' and stay home. And have I caught up ... of course not.
I can't be arsed doing anything... in general. I get the occasional bursts of inspiration and get physical work done, but I'm more inclined to sit on the sofa and do nothing.
With my US friends sending their kids back to school for a new year, plus friends here griping over birthday parties and sporting commitments, over the weekend I found myself wishing that John was already at school. Not that I want him to grow up too fast, but it would mean that there are sports, and other activities that come along with being involved in a school community happening over the weekend. Something to do, somewhere to. That I have to go to, that doesn't involve a high degree of choice or flexibility.
Since Ian died, I've ebbed and flowed through living and existing. There have been periods where I felt strong, engaged, enthusiastic, and have direction to travel.
But at the moment. Meh. I'm just going through the motions of having the appearance of a life, without really having one.
I'm sorry you are I that place. Grieving takes up so much of our energy, and parenting small children demands so much as well. Hang in there - I was there and now I'm not and you really do get through it.
ReplyDeleteThanks.
DeleteMy husband died three years ago of a sudden heart attack in the middle of the night. The love of my life died in an instant and my life, as I knew it, died with him. That's my reality regardless of what anyone says. No amount of kind words or counseling will change that. There's a huge empty hole in my life; a huge empty hole in my heart. The absence of my husband in my life clings to me 24/7.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you. At times I feel that hole is a big gaping space that someone could just pass their hand through.
DeleteI feel the same way. I'll a have a few days where I'll be hopeful for the future and begin to form a vision of how I want my life to look. Then suddenly I feel completely lost all over again, wondering how did this happen to me? I've been thinking a lot about this and realize I have one foot in the past and one foot in the future. I'm trying to be anywhere but here. It's not an easy place to be. It'll be a year soon so I try not to put too much pressure on myself but I can understand the desire for time to fast forward where I don't feel like I'm just going through the motions.
ReplyDeleteWell put. I know exactly how you feel. So tired of just exiting but do not know what to do.
DeleteI guess we'll gradually find as we continue on this journey we spend longer periods of time feeling positive and hopeful and shorter periods so acutely feeling our loss.
ReplyDeleteIt is ironic(or is there a better word?) that just when you experience something that shows you how short and precious life is, you also get to be so depressed/exhausted/sad... that there is nothing you can do about that knowledge. If you can't muster up living, existing beats the alternative I suppose. I am at the three year mark. I feel like I have gotten nowhere, until something comes along that makes me remember where I was. In the beginning it was all so very dark and black. Most days I wanted to die. Now it is a lot of gray with some hopeful blue skies and still a lot of black mixed in. I guess that is improvement.
ReplyDeleteI just passed the three-year anniversary of my husband's sudden death due to a heart attack. When I mention my husband's sudden death, I'm asked when he died. I find that when I say "three years ago," they look at me as if to say "and you're still grieving" as though I should be happy now. Proof that the majority of people are "clueless."
DeleteI know, I get that too. I still live in our home because I want my kids to have stability(I know not everyone has that option but for now I do). If I had it my way though I would move. The expectation that I should be better that comes from people that have no clue results in such a lonely feeling. I would rather be some sad anonymous woman than the woman that people think should be moving on.
DeleteDear Kerryl, I feel the same way too. My young wife was killed about 14 months ago and I feel as if Im simply existing. Not even surviving but simply existing to raise my little girl. It is a very robotic life that is so exhausting. One minute I have energy and I plan and advance then the next im down in the dumps. I sort of feel resigned to just living day by day and pray that I live long enough for my girl to be an adult then I can go meet my wife. argh.
ReplyDeletedear Kerryl,
ReplyDeleteit often feels like I am either completely inert, or just one tiny step up the ladder with accomplishing just one or two "tasks". mostly, it all seems so pointless. I look every where for inspiration, for even a veiled and sketchy vision of what my life could look like - but it all leaves me meh - still so empty and broken and lost. much love, Karen xoxo