Friday, September 19, 2014

Seasons

The change in the air from humid to crisp, warm to slightly cool - puts a loud ringing bell on your death - as I ready myself for my birthday, then your birthday, Halloween, our wedding anniversary, Thanksgiving, our proposal anniversary, Christmas, and then ringing in another new year without you.

This time of year filled with holidays and family and love and my favorite weather and atmosphere, leaves way for a big red button on your forever absence - a button I'm forced to push again and again and again, letting off sirens of being left here on Earth alone, without my person. A future without you still frightens me, as panic and anxiety curl their way back into my bed each night, grabbing the blankets and stealing my sleep.

I try hard to recall the earlier days of this grief, and to remind myself that there was a time I could not see anything except darkness and pain. A time when autumn leaves and sunsets and brightly lit moons and candy apples and fried dough with cinnamon-sugar, all felt and looked and tasted like grey and blackness and death to me - because you were dead, so I could no longer see the beauty in anything. Everything was blank.

It took almost 3 years to see the beauty again, and to look at the autumn leaves again and really notice them, and to care again, to really care instead of just pretending. Now, today, I see the colors. I feel the rain. I taste the sweet cold ice-cream.

I feel your presence with every bite. I hear your voice faintly, in the silence of my own. I see your blue eyes, inside the pale sky. You are everywhere.

But I am selfish. It isn't enough for me. I want more.

You are everywhere, but you are also nowhere.

You are not here, curling your way into our bed each night, grabbing the blankets and stealing my sleep.

And the air changes from humid to crisp,
crisp to cold,
and the frost takes shape on the windows.
And with every biting, winter breath,
Oh, how I miss you.

I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.

9 comments:

  1. Oh, Kelley, I still say those 3 words every day, too. I think we will always miss our person, but hearing you talk about seeing colors and beauty in the world again gives me hope that I will too. It is still so dark on many days, and I am so tired of living in it, I want to move on to a brighter place, but I guess it's not time yet. I dread the changing of seasons, it means that much more time has passed since he was here, and watching everyone partake in each season only brings me down more. I've already seen Christmas decorations out in stores! As you come upon your birthdays, anniversary and holidays, I hope you are able find a bit of joy with your family and friends. take care.

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  2. I've just hit two years with out my hubby, followed 10 days later by his birthday. I miss you is the litany that goes through my head constantly. It doesn't matter how far I come or what strides I make I do it on my own without him. I miss him in everything I do.
    Take care Kelley

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  3. Wow Kelley! I can honestly say I love you and we've never met. I love your writing, your emotions, the honesty. Between Oct and Feb I will have my birthday, his birthday, our proposal date, holidays, the 2 yr anniversary of his death on new years, 2 kid birthdays and our anniversary. The fog has lifted and I'm trying to figure out what is my new life, slowly but surely. "You are everywhere, but you are also nowhere"...that is it exactly. Thank you so much for writing and sharing. Leanne

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    1. You are very welcome Leanne. Writing it out helps ME too. Helps me to acknowledge and release the emotions, and then usually I feel a bit better. Sometimes lol. What is our new life? I guess we will continue to figure it out ...... xoxo.

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  4. oh, Kelley, what you wrote about how you have felt is so exactly how I feel about the change of seasons, especially the changes coming these next 3 months. but I am happy for you to have reclaimed some of the things that brought you joy in your before life - it gives me strength to try to move forward even if with only baby steps. I, too, write, in a journal - letters to Hugh, and segments called "writing for my life". it helps a lot. but tonight when I wrote to say how much I miss him, I wondered as I wrote it 3 times in a row, why AREN'T there more powerful words for "I miss you" ? thank you for your post - I look forward to each of them every Friday. xoxo, Karen

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    1. Youre so right about that Karen If I look bacvk at everything Ive written in 3 years, I would bet that the phrase "I miss you" or "I miss him" is written more than anything else. xo

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  5. Kelley, as always, you expressed how I feel about the coming season and holidays I face in this fourth year without the love of my life.. While I was driving home, this song came on the radio. The minute it began, I started listening to every word. I never paid a attention to the words of this Neil Diamond song before. I felt that my husband was sending me a message. I believe that things like that do happen. Needless to say, I started crying. I know the words of the song hold true for us. We met on a Friday night and were together from that day until the night he died unexpectedly beside me 16 years later.. What a beautiful song that has such profound meaning for me. Karen

    Neil Diamond - The Story Of My Life

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bYsv2qa1BTc

    The story of my life is very plain to read
    It starts the day you came
    And ends the day you leave
    The story of my life begins and ends with you
    The names are still the same
    And the story's still the truth

    I was alone.
    You found me waiting and made me your own
    I was afraid
    That somehow I never could be a man that you wanted of me

    You're the story of my life, and every word is true
    Each chapter sings your name
    Each page begins with you
    It's the story of our times and never letting go
    If I die today, I wanted you to know

    Stay with me here
    Share with me, care with me
    Stay and be near
    and when it began I'd lie awake every night
    Just knowing somewhere deep inside
    That our affair just might write

    The story of my life it's so very plain to read
    It starts the day you came
    It ends the day you leave

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  6. Hello, love that song..yes I misssss my husband..

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