The past two weeks I've been on a trip - a week with my
folks in Virginia, and as this posts, I'm finishing up another week in the UK
visiting my new guy's family.
I am sad that Mike and I didn't travel more together. We did
visit my family in Virginia a few times, and he was mesmerized by the place -
the lush vegetation, the history - the fireflies. But honestly, after we moved
to Hawaii in 2001 we didn't leave the state very often together. The first few
years our business kept us here, and then later, when his work took him back
and forth to Oahu, he was just too tired from it all, and missing the Big
Island too much, to want to go anywhere else.
I used to ask him, tongue in cheek because I always knew the
answer, where he wanted to go for a vacation. He would look at me with that
familiar twinkle in his eye, strum another chord on his ukulele, and say: Hawaii.
We did sometimes talk about seeing the world together
though. We dreamed of going to Spain, where his father's family came from; I
wanted to take him to Germany, where I had studied. I always wanted to see
Venice. And we both longed to see Scotland. But we just never got around to it
before he died.
So I headed out on this trip with very mixed emotions. I am
excited to see a part of the world so far away from my home. It's nice to get
away from the usual routine once in awhile, and I do enjoy the company of the
new guy in my life. But I can't help but also wish I could have gone with Mike.
I wish we would have gone when he was still alive; I wish he hadn't died so
that we could still make plans.
Is it wrong to feel this way? It is so strange that the
feeling of grief seems to coexist with the seemingly
opposite feeling of looking forward to something. When I
sit and meditate on my feelings I realize they do tend to mute each other a
little. I'm not quite as sad as I might be if I didn't have something to look
forward to. And I am not quite as excited about this journey as I might be if I
didn't miss Mike so much.
Maybe, this is just how things are going to be. Maybe forever,
maybe just for awhile. I really have no idea.
Hi, Im sorry you did not get the chance to travel with your love much. I was lucky enough to travel with my beautiful wife both abroad and in our country many times. We were always out of town at least once a month. The flipside is that since I have traveled without her since her tragic passing 1 months ago, I dont enjoy much, thinking of the things I would point out to her or call her and tell her we must go back so I can show her something etc..I hate airports whereas before I didnt mind them as long as I was with her. I hate spas and fancy hotels as we used to visit together. I hear you when you wish you were with Mike...I too wish I was with my love. Recently I wanted to take our daughter to the beach for a weekend break but I couldnt do it. Too many memories. Too fresh. Still too painful. I hope you enjoy the UK. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteThanks, RK. It was a grand adventure, only muted by my grief at losing Mike. I guess that's just how it is. Appreciate your comment. Blessings to you.
DeleteHello, the pic u posted is beautiful..va? Yr family fr there?, take a look at the beautiful mountains and try to visualize yr ancestors living, enduring everyday hardships and when they were met w death as we have, they had to go on, no choices for the either.. Sad.. I often times pull great strength fr my ancestors, never wanting to live their lives, but their strength had to be incredible...I know they prayed forward, for grandchildrens grandchildren., we have each other on such a site to talk and vent, they had no one. Sad..we as women just hv to continue to understand and talk and vent, it's an outlet..our pain will be with us always, it will be at different levels thru our years..continue to write, vent , many will b here to understand and listen to your pain...6 yr widow..
ReplyDeleteThe pic is of Wales. And yes - I did often think of how our ancestors had to deal with much more death, earlier ages, more disease...it's a part of life but never easy, perhaps. Thank you for your comment and support. Blessings to you.
DeleteNo feelings are wrong, they just are. I so understand this, we were just beginning our retirement years, lots of places to go. I'm just beginning to get that yearning to travel, but have no partner to do so with, so here I sit and muse about what should have been. Had a couple of off weeks around my area, taking advantage of sailing, canoeing, hiking. But not the same, never will be the same, without him. Always come back to the reality of missing and not sharing it all with my person. It just is.
ReplyDeleteYou hit it right on - it will never be the same, without him. And yes. It just is.
DeleteHello , anonymous, u an I r walking same path.. No retirement now??? Now what do we do.. All those yrs planning for not???????? Just breathe I tel me..34 yrs done. Gone. Now what?
DeleteStephanie - I too have found that my grief does coexist within my new relationship. It's so strange to be able to love and miss my husband and the life we had together and be in the present in my relationship now. The heart is amazing. I have been in my current relationship for a year and a half and widowed for 4 and a half.
ReplyDeleteHi Becky. Thank you for sharing your similar experience of grief coinciding with new life. Strange but, there it is. I am glad the heart can be bigger than we thought.
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ReplyDeleteDear Stephanie,
it must be hard at first to be able to have some dreams come true that weren't always possible when Mike was alive. I think that maybe, Mike has had his metaphorical hand in wishing to make travelling possible - your own spiritual travel agent! the love you and mike created, the love you breathed and lived is the same love that continues to abide and burn brightly, thrumming through your two souls connected forever (just my own belief, and do not want to offend others who don't ascribe to the notion). maybe he is sending the message that he wants you to be happy, that he is happy for you finding love and companionship, and is doing all he is able to let you know that there will ALWAYS be enough love to go around. as Becky said, the heart is amazing, and so are the souls, created in love that never dies. so take him with you on your travels, enjoy as much as possible, and whisper in your heart, "I love you, Mike and thank you for being so present in my life." he will hear you. and he will smile. and you will, too. here's hoping there will be more exciting travel adventures, and that the bitter-sweet soon will feel much more sweet.
much love,
Karen xoxo
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