Will I ever feel engaged in life again? Will I ever find passion for life again? And energy? Will I ever not feel that I am living without him and therefore I just don't really care about life? Will I ever care that I have a future and not cringe from even thinking about that future because what it means is that I have a long life to live without him?
I know, I know, I know, that there is no time frame for grieving. There are so many variables to it for each person. But I'm so exhausted. So very exhausted. Living without him takes every bit of energy I ever thought I had in my body.
In every way I can I've gotten out into the world. I put myself in every situation I can daily, pushing myself to engage with people. I talk about my grief, I join in fun activities, my heart is open to possibilities. But none of it is anything more than an intellectual exercise for me. None of it seems to get into my body and soul. No matter what it is, who it is, I feel detached, an observer.
This is so very different for me, to be this way. I've always been passionate about life, about my life, about new experiences. Since Chuck died, all I feel is pain and grief. Its' been 17 months as of tomorrow and I feel like I'm drifting further and further away from myself and those around me. That part of me isn't visible to most people, I suppose. On the outside it looks like I'm fully functioning. I'm not hiding my grief, necessarily; it's just that you have to get up and function each day, right? And I do. For god's sake, I'm on my 3rd cross-country trek. I've met hundreds of people along the way and talked with them and gotten and given hugs and written about my grief here and other places and sought out new life experiences and welcomed all of them. And with all of it I remain empty inside. The numbness that envelops my insides and my heart is exceeded only by the grief that swings in rhythm with it.
There's no self-pity attached to this. Just plain and simple. The grief snags and shreds its' way through me on a daily basis while I go about life. This isn't my first experience with grief by any means. But it's the most devastating grief I've ever experienced.
Hi Alison; you are at17 months. Im at 15 months in two days from now and I understand you completely. It sucks that shes gone and now the numbness has become part of me. I dont play the victim card but gosh, the solitude has become so much I feel so detached from everything. I have come to terms with being robotic and just going through the motions. I have lost before but the loss of my wife is unbearable. At times I actually feel 'good' and in a perverse way liberated that I will never love again, that I will never 'feel' again. Perhaps thats my spirit's way of protecting itself. It is what it is...
ReplyDeleteHang in there Allison. Second year was tough on me too, as is the 3rd and 4th. You are not the same person you were when Chuck was here, you will find that person as time goes on. You just have to keep going, there is no other choice. The engagement in life, the passion for living, the wanting to go on w/o him....I still feel it all, everyday, as you do. I think it will forever be a part of me, always lurking, always tugging at me to remember what was. Be kind to yourself, as you said, "I know there is no time frame for grieving". It's takes as long as it takes, and I think the longer you were in the relationship, the longer it takes to get back into wanting to live again. At least that's what I try to convince myself of. Safe travels.
ReplyDeleteIt does not matter how long you were in the relationship. What matters is the strength with which you loved. Today is 27 months for me. He died 11 days after our 6th anniversary. My inner landscape is total devastation and I see no end in sight. But Allison's words resonate...we keep on existing, moving in the world, despite the absence of all will to live. You can't manufacture the desire to live again. Maybe it comes, maybe it doesn't. Wish I could be more upbeat. Can't manufacture that, either.
DeleteThe exhaustion is the worst. Before all of this I would never imagined I'd feel so tired at 35. Having a third of the energy I used to have is a good day for me. I'm extremely impatient and want to jump ahead to what I'm hoping will be better times but I know I have to accept that this is how it will be for who knows how long. It's so difficult to look back at what was and not feel completely defeated by today's reality. I agree that being left behind does suck. As hard as it is I am grateful to have spared him this pain.
ReplyDeleteThe posts resonate sooo much with how I feel now. Utter and complete exhaustion. I'm turning 37 this year and I never thought I would be so depleted if energy. I also wish she had lived and I died but then I would NEVER want her to feel what I'm going through.
DeleteJune 21st, I passed the three-year anniversary of my husband's sudden death. The first year was my year of shock; the second year was worse as the reality of his death consumed my being. The third year I was forced to accept the emptiness that is my new normal; it's empty and I remain numb. Now, as I begin the fourth year without the other half of me, I am still filled with profound pain and longing for what was. In my heart and soul, I will always be married to my husband. I miss him with every fiber of my being. My soul cries out for him and begs him to come back. My heart will be forever broken. This pain and loss lives within me. This is my new normal; my new reality. It sucks!
ReplyDeleteI am closing in on year 3, December 16th, with tomorrow being our anniversary and next week his b'day. Your count down is exactly how I have felt with his sudden death…and I know as I pass Dec 16th once again, beginning the 4th year without him, I will feel the same as you…my heart will forever be broken…and its still hard to accept my new normal….
DeleteThank you for writing and expressing what I feel and could not wrap words around. I am at five months from my husband's death from a sudden stroke, with our only child off to college as a freshman next week, still numb, no crying yet, just a feeling of unbelievableness and detachment. Glad this group is here.
ReplyDeleteMarty, I'm with you with the time... It will be five months in two weeks. How do we get over the feeling that it isn't real??? I think I will see him any minute... He died from a massive stroke also... I am devastated...
DeleteFor some reason this post really hit me as I've been feeling that same sense of numbness since my husband passed 10 months ago, leaving me with three beautiful children (12, 16 & 18). I get up everyday and do what I have to do & people say I'm their inspiration. Inside I'm just going through the motions, wondering if my heart will ever be healed. I travel, go out with friends, dance, volunteer and even reconnected with a wonderful man from high school that God put in my life.....but the inside of my heart aches, an ache I think I will forever have.
ReplyDeleteHi Alison, I am at 19 months and you have described exactly how I feel. I am continuing in my daily life and starting to interact more but still I feel like I am an observer. Thank you for sharing your own feelings as I feel less alone when I read this blog. Hugs to everyone.
ReplyDeleteI am three months into this death, grief, and loss journey. I have weathered many losses before, but this one is, by far, the hardest. I feel numb and empty inside, too, at times, detached, an observer, rather than a participant, in living. I participate in the world, but the lost, sad part of me would rather not be here. I am hoping that will lift, eventually.
ReplyDeleteAlison - I am at 3 years and feel exactly the same. I am so tired. I do not feel like I'm getting "better" although everyone expects me to do so. I just go day by day. It's all I can do to get up and go to work everyday. I'm now trying the 30 days of firsts - I'm to the day where I write to my husband who died. I couldn't start it yet. I cannot find an in person group - I've tried one on one counseling and also group - I end up leaving more upset than when I when in. I just pray that God will continue to hold me up. I have four wonderful children and one adorable grandson - I thought that would be enough.....
ReplyDeleteI have not cried for a little while now...tears come less...It's almost six years, since DEATH completely changed the picture of my world
ReplyDeleteWell, reading your words dear Alison, and everone else's that folliw...the tears are flowing uncontrollably, fir my name can follow all these comments
I wonder is it possible to have loved TOO MUCH?????...for there is too much pain. I fear it will never leave, we will just learn how to carry it better within our broken hearts.
Yes, Alison, I , too, was a lover of life...even before I met my husband...but now, the passion is gone for it all...feeling detached, disconnected, going through the motions of life...although I appear perhaps to be making my way.
I hurt, too, knowing you are all hurting as I am...OMG...how very sad.
So what is the freaking answer????
GRIN AND BEAR IT!...I guess, and pray for a miracle...
I have asked myself that soooo much…"is it possible to have loved TOO MUCH?" but then I answer myself with "I would have had it no other way"! My husband always told my kids/grandkids and I that "life is not fair" and wow…have we so sadly learned that Hugs to all of us…and prayers that we stay "Brave"
DeleteToday is the 11th year anniversary of my husbands death. He died at the age of 48. The pain, grief and disengagement that you feel are all part of healing. I promise you it gets better. For me the turning point was going back to school, and also working full time. I had to pour myself into it 150%. All of a sudden I found myself learning with a group of women, mostly my age, and doing things I didn't think humanly possible. It made me realize I was much stronger than I thought I was. Today will be a bit sad, but I now find it easier to remember him with a smile than with a tear.
ReplyDeleteYES...I have asked myself the same question, for I feel that is why the grief will be forever.
ReplyDeleteAnd, yes, could not haves loved any less, for he is worth it all.��
Hello, feel bad for all of you..we have Loved and Lost.. One said grin an bear it.. Like havn a baby..but not. In the end w that u have yr baby..hmm. The post at 11 yrs, yes u are right on!! I agree.. Never !!!!!' Did I ever???? Thought I'd b widowed at 51? What? Who ? Me? I'm Getn ready to watch husband retire soon so we can live at the beach, our dream..who me? Yep it's real... Junk..34 yrs marriage gone.. Now what do I do? Ben w one man entire life??.. But I can say... Now 6 yr survival... I call it that because that's what it is.. Survival..I'm not first at it.. I won't b last at it..manyyyyyy hv went before me.. They survived!! I will tooooo it didn't kill me???!! Only thought I died..part of me did..but it's not directly in my face now...before I couldn't stand it.. Meds..it has gotten better in the regard, it's not in my face now...hang in there my fellow sis widowers...Life goes on , with or without us..
ReplyDeleteHello, I'm sorry I forgot, we all got thru it...... But we all will neverrrrrr get over it......
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