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| Photo Courtesy of Diana Varner |
The cold front comes in
and chills my bones
with the reality
that you are not coming home -
not now
not tomorrow
not ever.
That none of my family is.
not my mother
not my father
and not you.
So many people I have lost already
in thirty-two years of living
I have lived and died already
many lifetimes in this body.
Some years
the cold front whisks in
with a freshness of
possibility
Other years
and apparently this one
it feels more like
it steals something from me
my breath
my heart
a piece of me
Just by its bare reminder
that I will never have memories with
any of these three people in my life
ever again.
I have gained so much
I have a life full of love
full of incredible people.
But I think some years
no matter how long its been
(23 years for my mother,
5 years for my father,
and two for you)
The cold front still steals away my ground
and leaves me floating once more.
dear Sarah,
ReplyDeletethe cold front...my heart breaks for you...all the nevers, that are so very hard to think of, to list, to believe. those nevers have been a constant theme of my grief just of late, and there are so many triggers and swirling emotions. in my own defense I try to hang on to the "forevers", of love well met, someday, on the other side, and keep them like stars I've named for my Beloved, and others, to look upward into the sky and feel their shine and promise on my wounded heart.
I am so sorry for all whom you have lost, and for the chill of cold that sets in to remind you so painfully of knowing you will never be able to make memories with them. the words you have written are so powerful and I am grateful and honored to pay witness to them.
much love,
Karen xoxo
Your comment made me smile Karen... i often look up at the stars in much the same way. Thank you =)
DeleteIm in your same shoes Sarah (lost parents, highs school best friend and recently and more more devastatingly my wife) but I still cannot imagine what you have had to go through at your young age. Im 37 but I thought that im 'old' enough to weather the storms. The cold front. The winter of my heart. Which is what Im turning into: cold. unfeeling. distant. A cold front. You put it so well and Im sorry that your eloquence had to come from so much pain. Hugs. RK.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much RK. I'm so sorry that you know the kind of pain that comes from so many deep losses too. It's odd - in some ways, I am more open, more warm the more i go through… yet at the same time, more distant. I'm sure that makes sense. Thank you so much for sharing. Let's hope we both can find some warmth in the cold fronts to come.
Deletei also had 2 years with my husband. he died 3 weeks ago. those were the best 2 years of my life, full of pain but also full of love. if given a chance to go back to the past, id still choose to love him, to endure this pain im feeling right now for the second time.
ReplyDeleteI'm so very sorry. What you wrote made me want to share with you another poem I wrote called Brave Love: http://artheli.wordpress.com/2014/01/15/brave-love/
DeleteI'm sending you love my friend.
I had three and a half years with my husband. It was not enough. But my life is so much richer, having had him in it. It is so painful. But I would not trade it, even knowing I would lose him, I would have chosen to have these three years of love and kindness in my life.
ReplyDeleteIt is beautiful when we are able to see all the richness they have continued to add to our lives even in death, isn't it? I'm with you, i would have chosen it all over again no matter how much pain i'd have to endure. Thank you for reading Tricia - xoxo
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