On Cruise Control

Lately, I've felt as if I've been on cruise control. It was turned on, set, and smooth sailing from that point on.

Now while many would say how fantastic that may be after sailing roughly through the squalls of widowhood, the calm waters actually make me uneasy. The irony in this realization can't stop me from snickering and letting out a laugh.

For the past 2+ years I have set sail on this voyage.....A voyage I was hoping at times would sink beneath the waves to never continue. A voyage that has made me fall to my knees with the realization of beauty that was still possible through the darkest of clouds. A voyage I had become used to navigating through the toughest of storms. But the the one thing I hadn't mastered in my many days at sea, were the days in which continual clear skies and glass water would make my acquaintance.

With these recent reflections, I've realized that I have become accustomed to just holding on by the skin of my teeth. I have become quite the companion to the hurricanes in life (that like to show up when I least expect it), that when I see the clear forecast I am almost at a loss for words or actions.

In many ways I cherish this new "setting", even though I know not any one is truly ever "set", for in so many ways I see the facets of this journey showing through this diamond in the rough of a life I now have.

"How is one to live a moral and compassionate existence when one is fully aware of the blood, the horror inherent in life, when one finds darkness not only in one's culture but within oneself? If there is a stage at which an individual life becomes truly adult, it must be when one grasps the irony in its unfolding and accepts responsibility for a life lived in the midst of such paradox. One must live in the middle of contradiction, because if all contradiction were eliminated at once life would collapse. There are simply no answers to some of the great pressing questions. You continue to live them out, making your life a worthy expression of leaning into the light."

-Barry Lopez