Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Starting Over

Have you ever had the urge to just get in your car one day and drive as far away as you could, leaving everyone and everything behind? Just start over where no one knows you? Where no one ...... KNEW you?
I'm guessing that many of you have because of all you've gone through. I'm wondering if anyone has actually done it.

That's the kind of week I'm having.
I'm not sure what difference it would make, in the end.
But sometimes it feels as if I'm failing at everything I should be doing well ..... being a mother, being a friend, being an employee. It's one of those weeks where I feel completely zapped of energy so I can't seem to do anything right.

I think we need a "Rehab" for widows. Some place where we can leave everything behind and just breathe for as long as we need it. Some place not too hot, not too cold and with a beautiful view.
We wouldn't have to buy groceries, pay bills, cook, make decisions, wear masks ..... we could just ...... be.
And slowly get stronger.

Anyway, that's my fairy tale dream of the day.
I wonder what yours is?


  1. The same!

    I feel at times, this week in particular, that my life has spun out of control. It seems I can plan my day and then all hell breaks loose. ..from two baby racoons finding shelter under the hood of my car and trying all morning to find the right agency to trap them (didn't happen, budget constraints) so ended up taking up most of the day removing them, to unexpected visitors, popping up at the door...while the planned house maintainance is screaming to be done...bills to be paid, the trust and will draft that needs to be read and sent off to the lawyer...and my 94 year old mother, who calls with her list of complaints and would like me to solve those too........WHEW! Give me (us) a BREAK!
    I guess I need more time or an attitude change...

    I am going into my second year of widowhood, and feel it is more complicated than the first.
    I also know that the changes that are occuring are strengthening me (us) and are a part of the growth process, but darn it, it is HARD!

    My fairy tale day is a drive up the California coast with the man in my life....and taking that deep breath of ocean air, listening to some great music and relaxing...will it happen? maybe, but I can dream, can't I???

    Hope your fairy tale dream comes true.

  2. Am new to your site and find many of my worries and problems here to discuss. So good to hear I am not alone.
    It is too hard to discuss my loneliness and problems of life with others that have 'different' problems and have never been walking my path in life.
    God bless you all..

  3. Just today I was wishing I could get in the car and just drive, drive, drive...not possible with kids still at home. Maybe some day...I am approaching my 4th year anniversary of widowhood. Onto year five and one would think I would have it all figured out by now as to what I want for the rest of my life. Wrong. Some days I just feel like I am in a holding pattern. What am I waiting on? The kids to finally all be gone? Is that when I will stop seeing myself as a mother first? The wife role is gone, long gone.

  4. funny you should mention it but yes, especially right now, but I stayed home instead to clean the house, I was upset because its not so much I am failing but others have failed me, from a sister in law
    who influenced my brother in law, daughter
    son in law, with a baby quilt out of his clothes within one month of his passing,
    from the funeral where the director asked if he could buy his golf cart, to later on
    when every one has acted out their grief, but I am not allowed feelings, these outburst have to stop, what outburst crying because they wanted to cut up his clothes? Everyone had been in charge of my grief, my daughter has tried to parent me, instead of letting me be the parent, worse yet the church was doing a vet day memorial vidio this past sunday,
    and only did the living, he was a vet,
    but they arent honoring him , even for vets
    day,what am I suppose to say, thank you
    for honoring the living, and reminding me
    that my spouse is dead? I didnt have energy to go this week out of town, driving, to see
    the reordered tombstone that finally came right, next week, they are having a free
    movie I can go to, but maybe I am finally figuring out , its not me, its the rest of the herd that has gone crazy, thanks for feeling the same way, but yes, I could leave and never come back if it werent for my sale of business, house to take place yet , in order to survive! one day at atime,
    grant me the serenity to forgive everyone

  5. It's been 5 years and never seems to get easier with regards to the life change. I realize it is fine to be alone; but, the lonely. is tough. I am finally going to make the transition from a house with all of the memories, to an apartment that will be mine. Claiming my own space is me declaring my liberation and attempting to move on. Family and friends mean well; however, I need to get up everyday and explore my new ad

  6. Hello, I just found this site this morning. I am beginning my second year and empty nest at the same time. I however am been a widow before.....never, never thought this could happen me or the children. Widowed the first time at 29 with babies, now at 53. Both losses were horrible, but this time I am crushed, in every way. I sometimes feel like I am dying now too. Over eating, not sleeping, worrying about kids, taking care of my 88 yr old mom. Help.....yes. sometimes I think just keep driving. Drive to the coast and clear my mind, turn off my phone and have time to think of myself and where I am going.

    1. Karen, we are so sorry that you need this community, but so glad you found us. Just being able to write here what you struggle with might help even just a little. We understand how hard it is to not only face the literal loss of this man you loved so much, but also to manage the many responsibilities left when you are the surviving partner. Just know that you aren't alone, and that we are all somehow making our way together.

    2. Hi Karen. I'm so sorry for your loss(es). What a heartache.

      I've found from personal experience there's nothing wrong with getting into the car, driving to the coast, turning the cell phone off (or at least the ringer) and being alone so you can clear your mind and move on with the things you have to do.

      If you can afford some temporary help for your mother, it might be nice to take a short sabbatical. I imagine your mother understands loss and grief and wouldn't begrudge your time away. As for your children, they're adults and mom needs time alone just as they do. Perhaps THEY could help with tending to their grandmother.

      Please take care of yourself. You are worth every single bit of comfort you need.

  7. My husband died earlier this year after our being married for 30 years. He and I had planned on retiring to Arizona from Colorado later this year. We'd visited 5 times and finally put in an offer on a house. He died a week later.

    Eight weeks later, I moved into that house by myself. A completely "foreign" place with no friends, acquaintances or compass with which to navigate.

    So I DO get to start over. A different me. A new person because I'm no longer part of a couple. A marriage is a living entity so I not only lost my best friend, I lost my marriage which had become part of me.

    Never in my life have I lived alone. It's strange yet exhilarating. I mourn every minute for my loss, I talk out loud to my late husband but I'm also exploring and finding out who I really am. Me. Without an "other".

    What surprises me is that I'm different now. Not just my singleness, but my personality, the way I dress, the way I act, the things I enjoy doing. This is interesting. So while I miss my husband, I thank him (aloud) every day for the life he gave me, even after he was gone.

    I hope this comment isn't too long. It's been cathartic. Thank you.

  8. Hi Janine, you said every word I was thinking!!!

  9. I take one day at a time and thank the Lord for looking after me----he saw I was weary taking care of my dying husband and gave was both a new life.

    now I wonder------I see women widowed and remarried in 6 months----me---I just plug along.................