Friday, July 23, 2010

are you lonesome tonight....

Photo from Desicolours


I'm not dating. I have gone on a few....dates. But it never felt right. But neither does this loneliness.

I don't want to go through the hassle of meeting, dating, getting to know the other person's "issues", introducing this person to family and friends, getting giddy when they come around, having our first argument, finding out that they have an oddly close relationship with their mother...who hates me, and having to dump their mama's boy ass after going through all that.

I want to jump straight to the comfy fart-in-bed stage. The leave-the-door-open-when-you-pee level. I want to not worry that they find my poultry obsession a little alarming or that my kid's habit of climbing into bed with me every night is not overly annoying. I want to be with someone who finds my kids cute even when snot is running down their chin.

But, alas, the only one who can fit this bill is a husband. My husband.

I worry that no one will ever love my kids as much as their daddy did. And that even if some man was willing, I may not let them through 'the gate' as I seem to fear that anyone with any interest in us must either have pedophilic tendencies or a death wish.

I'm scared that no one could ever love me again despite my habit of repeating deliciously interesting words under my breath until they cease have meaning. "colposcopy. colposcopy. colpscopy...." Or that the horrifyingly large amount of matter on my thighs that resembles marbles under blue-white coloured cloth would repulse some poor man. Or that they wouldn't know that laughing when I'm raging and screaming at some perceived injustice, although seemingly counterproductive, is just what I need to see life's bullshit as it is - bullshit.

I want to jump to husband and wife. I want to miss all the ups and downs of possibilities.

I want comfort. I want warmth. I want Jeff.

11 comments:

  1. Jackie,I can relate to all of this! I am at that stage too. Where I do not want to be lonely but do not want all of the bullshit that dating might bring. I ever came close to signing up for a dating service, but decided against it. I want love to find me without the work of it all and I also keep thinking about my kids and their dad and how difficult it will be to find someone who can live up to his memory. He wasn't perfect, but I loved him flaws and all! But I also know a day will come when I am ready and I will take the steps to date or like my husband, my new love will find me.

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  2. Beautiful description of the feeling of loss and grief. I, too, lost the love of my life, my husband of 16 years after a long ordeal with cancer. I dated for years after he died, had two marriage proposals, but in the end, I realized that all I was doing was running down blind alleys, looking to replace John. But John, the father of my two sons, was irreplaceable. What do you do when Prince Charming makes a final and dramatic exit from your life? How do you start over in middle age? And can you? These are the questions I posed and which I write about in my upcoming memoir, "Again in a Heartbeat." I have found memoir to be very healing.

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  3. So raw, yet so true! Does lightning strike twice? Seems hard to believe that I can find someone who had the characteristics I deserve and expect. Am I going to be alone for the rest of my life? At 28 (or any age), it's a scary thought. I didn't sign up for this. We did everything "right"- finished college, no kids before marriage, owned a home, financially stable, etc.! It's hard to stay positive when you've lost everything- especially the future. As for dating, it seems like such an up hill battle. For now, my life is one big ?

    Connie H.

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  4. Jackie, you took the words right out of my mouth. I - honest to God - was gonna post the SAME exact thing, but you worded it SO much better than I ever could have.

    I'll marry you! =P XOXOXO

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  5. Nice to know Im not driving myself crazy thinking the same exact things! Thank you for these words I couldnt have said it better .......

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  6. I don't think anyone wants to start over when what they seemed to be all they would ever need or want, but people do - all the time.

    I was 42 with a three year old. I started dating at about 8 months. It wasn't any more fun than I remembered it as I always found dating a chore.

    I met my second husband - by chance - on a message board for widowed folk. I was 11 months out and he was 4 and 1/2. We were friends and over the course of a month and a bit, we realized that we could be more. Not really different from the way most relationships start out. Six months later we married.

    And it became comfy quickly and he loves my daughter even when she is prickly (and she loves him). And my middle-aged body and the quirks that I worried would doom me to loneliness don't bother him at all.

    Don't worry so much. If you want to love again, you will be able to when the right person comes along and they will see you as the awesome catch that you are. Dating and falling love haven't changed though - there are still ups and down, try not to dwell on the down.

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  7. Well said. Sadly so. If its any consolation to know you are not alone with your feelings, then know I feel the same way.

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  8. I couldn't have said this better myself. I love being in a relationship but I hate dating. I hated it before I met James; I can't express how much I hate being in a situation of facing dating again.

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