Sunday, July 25, 2010


I’ve written ELEVEN Thank you notes this week.


Eleven hand written notes filled with gratitude and gratefulness for the things people in my life did for me. There were the three dinners I had at friend’s houses that included a great amount of laughter and connection and the feeding of my three children.

One went to the paralegal who was kind and understanding.

And one to the lawyer who made my stomach ache with laughter with stories about his dad, including hilarious imitations.

One went to the pizza delivery guy (really) who was on time and just downright jovial, like he always is! Another went to a friend who I miss and had been thinking about far too long not to send something.

I’m gushing.

Gushing “OMG can you believe I’m here?” Gushing “Oh! I hate this cold LA weather but at least I can where my favorite jacket.” Gushing “I am so grateful to be on your list of come-over-and-swim people!”

I’m gushing because I’m standing here and it feels like, really, honest to God……like I’m back. Functioning smiling and laughing in this new life without him.

I’m gushing because I am the miracle.

Because I am standing in a place that I saw from way below but had no idea how bright and shiny and clear and humbling it would be stand way up here!

Gushing because I can say "No" and be firm and stand by it and NOT have to offer ONE SINGLE EXPLANATION!

I was angry today and I in that anger I started to giggle. It’s so funny that I’m angry over _________!!! Poof. Out it went.

I looked in the mirror today. Yup have put on a pound or two.

Followed by a SHRUG!!!???

After which quickly came “Who cares! You got that new sexy bikini to wear!”

WHO CARES????? That has never been uttered in the same sentence with the words “weight” and “gain” and “few pound.”

Sentences like

“You are an amazing host.

You have such a good eye for art.

Just hearing your voice takes my anxiety from a 10 to a 3 and I want to thank you for that

________ (one of my kid’s names here) I am so very grateful to be your mother. Your _____ (pick specific talent, sense of humor, clarity, ability to explain) is such a gift.

Today while walking to me car, “Excuse me. Mr. Dragonfly? Thank you so much for flitting by the pond just now. It was such a gorgeous sight to see.”

I’m gushing. How did I get to be so lucky? How is it possible I can be filled with THIS much gratitude and have buried my husband just over 455 days ago? What a difference a day makes has a WHOLE new meaning!

I am the miracle.

I am not supposed to be here and yet here I am.

And gushing because all those little itty bitty moments, those tiny, tiny milliseconds where I told myself

“This will get easier.

This will not always hurt so much.

You CAN walk through this, toenail at a time.

Have proven to be true.

It was one shitty, slog from hell to get here.

I leave with the kids for a vacation tomorrow.

I think I need to go to the bank again before we leave. I have a feeling this gushing is gonna cost me a lot in tips for the cab drivers, baggers and the parents of the cute kid who am lucky enough to get a smile from.

Gushing. I really like that word.


  1. Kim,
    What an inspiring post! So happy you have arrived in the world of Gush. I am on my way there, still in the deep dark well, it's only been 151 days. But am pretty happy to now be feeling energy again. I look forward to the day that I too am gushing. Thank you for the reminder that it is out there in the future. And you sound so wonderfully upbeat and happy and gushing! What a thrill that must be! Hugs and smiles to you.

  2. Thank you for this post.We all need to know it will get better. I know for me one moment came when I actually noticed the sky and the trees and thought how pretty it was. I had not seen it for months after my husband died. It has not been a year yet, but close and I know that I am also starting to feel better. At first it hurt to look at the past, prsent or future. Now I can look at the past memories and smile or laugh most of the time. I can live in the present without constsntly thinking about him missing from it- although I do still miss him alot. Now I am working on working on trying to see my future in the present situation without him and at last I am stsarting to dream and have hope close to at the gushing stage. And I keep hearing him say I just want you to be happy and I know that he would want that!

  3. Thank you, I find myself very similar today. I am surprised to admit it. Don't get me wrong, I thought about Dave alot!! But we also got alot done today and that hasn't happened very often.

  4. I was driving in to work today and noticed how absolutely beautiful the skyline was. I can't remember doing that in some time. I'll take small steps like this to the dark, deep hole anytime. There is so much guilt from being the surviving spouse.