One restless night of blog surfing, I saw someone post the exact number of days since they lost their soul mate.
I must admit, I stopped long ago in counting the exact days and months since Michael was killed. Knowing such numbers, especially in the never-ending days in the beginning of my grief, seemed like mental suicide. As much as I'm a believer that each day on earth is a day closer to them in heaven, I couldn't fathom marking and taking note of each day without him...that is a loss in my being that no month, date, calendar, or clock can construe.
Yet I admit, as I stared at the widowers days numbered, I was tempted to find out my own. I found a site that allowed me to find out the duration from date to date...
"Submit" was clicked.
1157 days can be converted to one of these units:
* 99,964,800 seconds
* 1,666,080 minutes
* 27,768 hours
* 165 weeks (rounded down)
I stared at the numbers.
I wasn't numb. I wasn't in shock. I simply looked at them, shook my head, and closed the page.
As much as I can't believe that it has been that long since everything happened (and had I been earlier out I may have had a different reaction) I've learned one thing above all;
In 1157 days I have struggled, cried, given up, stood back up, laughed, smiled, grown, cried some more, scorned the heavens above, thanked the heavens above, given up on life, taken back my life, fallen to my knees...prevailed.
I look at 1157 with pride, not pain.
I have survived 1157 days without my soul mate physically here. I have fallen deeper in love with the man who took a new form and shown me a new perspective on our amazing relationship and my new life.
Just as I couldn't count the days or months these past 3 years because I felt that no number would ever bring back my love or erase the heartache felt because of his death...no number or date can be put on the length and depth of our love...but when I am given the chance (or the curiosity) to see a number, it will be one that reminds me of the strength born from both of those things.
My name is Taryn Davis. My life ended 1157 days ago....but in the last 1157 days it has come back from the dead...stronger then ever...fueled by the essence of any life...the knowledge that is has true love on its side.
What a wonderful post, Taryn... MY life ended, (and yet, also BEGAN) on May 22nd, 2009... 436 days/62 weeks ago... I hardly recognize the person that I am today... I've truly come A LONG WAY... and I'm so glad that I stopped 'counting'... I'm so happy for the blessings in your life... and in mine, too!
ReplyDeleteI love this. Especially this:
ReplyDelete"My life ended 1157 days ago....but in the last 1157 days it has come back from the dead...stronger then ever...fueled by the essence of any life...the knowledge that is has true love on its side."
Your words touched my heart. I calculated myself and it's been 1211 days without my husband. I too have stopped counting and have come a long way. What a eloquant way to express the strength and the journey we've been through...
ReplyDeleteI counted too but it was not about days without, it was about days survived. Day 30, Day 90, Day 120. It was unbelievable to me that I had made it that far. For me, the counting helped, gave me courage to do "just one more day." Thanks for that post. My life ended 417 days ago. I can't imagine where I will be on day 1157 but I know I'll still be standing. you are proof to me that I can.
ReplyDeleteI think most widows have thought of things in this way at some point,but I also know that at some point we start to sence a change. I know for me I can almost remeber when it happened- I
ReplyDeletenoticed how beautiful the landscape was here after a winter storm. Although I did not consciencely count the days as Kim did. I started to see the present for what it was days survived and now after almost a year, I actually am starting to think about what I want in the future. Kim, who posted above my post. I think now I will look at my future as days survived! It is such a much more postive way to see this difficult time we must go through and I know my husband would approve,since he counted his days as someone living with cancer 3 amd ahalf years, I was lucky enough to have him after his cancer had been detected!
As always you give me hope
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