To put it simply...every action, every breath, every second of my life after Michael's death was one thing and one thing only...hard.
Okay, I should re-phrase....torture, painful, unbearable and hard to imagine surviving even a day.
But an amazing thing happened today...like most things, it's something I've noticed in passing since becoming a widow, but after sitting on my sofa, enjoying a bowl of cereal, it hit me...
I have more easy than hard!
It took a simple action to see how easy it is in general to live my day-to-day life!
Yes, there are still some tragically painful moments, but I'm not always consumed by the hard...the stressful, the hurtful, the moments that leave me begging to join my love.
I like the easy that has creeped its way back to me...the simple...I never lost it, I think my heart just forgot how to handle it...but it's happening...the easy is taking its rightful place back in my lungs and heart...
It's easy to eternally love him...but now, it's easy to do that in the midst of my life here on earth....and secretly...deep down..I know it may not be because the aspect of life has changed (or even that all is truly easy), but my strength has.
Sometimes I have moments where I think things aren't too bad. That I'm going to be OK. It's not as hard as I've been imagining.
ReplyDeleteThen I hear a song that instantly takes me back and my heart is breaking all over again. Or something else has broken down. Or I'm arguing with our son. Or I'm just tired of being the only one left of 'us'.
And I try. I try to to envision our love as eternal and everlasting and it brings me some peace again, but it's hard to get there.
Taryn thank you for this.
ReplyDeleteAt nine months out, those moments are brief but I see them. I used to find they were followed by immense guilt and new grief. But now I take them because wisdom and time has taught me that the big grief, the terrible can't leave the house grief, it still finds me. So if I have a moment of relief from that I no longer feel guilty I remind myself they are small moments of relief from pain and my body and my heart needs that too.
Yes, it is strength. It is the way forward.
It is Sunday morning and I was laying in bed thinking of all the years of Sunday mornings when my husband was alive. Our early drives in the country, talking and laughing, drinking our coffee and making new dreams for the future. I was laying there and feeling that weight of "alone". I looked at his pictures on my iphone. I tried to remember what it felt like to make love early in the morning. I listened for his voice and laugh.
Then, I got out of bed because all of those things are lost to me now and I must find a way forward.
So I come here.
It helps.
Thank you
Thank you Taryn. It's comforting to know that the future someday will hold more "easy."
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