I recently heard about another widow I know …widowed after me … she has found someone new.
She is quite in love.
This makes me sad.
Not about her happiness.
Just that I am nowhere NEAR being there. I don’t even want to look for someone new, even though I just want to be happily married again Right Now.
….but I want to be happily married to Greg.
Nobody else will do.
I guess it is good that I know myself well enough to see that I am not ready. That I would only be using another person as a crutch...
... expecting characteristics and quirks that only belong to Greg and me...
...expecting another person to drag me out of this hell.
I know I will never be that same, undamaged person I used to be.
That's OK.
....But I do want to be comfortable in my own skin.
Comfortable with my own abilities to steer us through this life.
I want to be able to give as much as I get from someone new....
But.
I’m Not there.
Not yet.
When I met Greg, I had a deal with God that I’d have a thumping realisation when I met my “Mr Right”. I’d had enough of rubbish boyfriends and I didn’t want to spend any more time with people who were … well … just NOT right for me.
So at the tender age of 22, I had sworn off men until I got that kick, that thump, that nod from above that *This One* was my Mr Right.
… and frankly, Greg couldn’t have come with any more bells and whistles.
It was almost like he was wearing a flashing neon sign saying “I’m Mr Right”.
It was obvious to both of us from the minute we met.... obvious to everyone else at that party too....
.....we were Meant To Be.
So what worries me is that while I’m here, forsaking all others, pining after a dead man …. that I may miss the next flashing neon light. But it’s a risk I will have to take, and just have faith in my gut feeling that I won’t be alone for the remaining (50?) years of my life.
I just hope that the next good man to come into my life remembers to wear his "Mr Right" name badge so I recognise him.....
I an where you are right now.Wanting to remarry, but stll looking for the sign when Mr. Right arrives. My first Mr. Right came very unexpectedly- thought it would be a very temporary thing. Just finished college, moving back home in another month, but He showed up and I ended up moving away then back again to be with him. He came to visit me often after I left. We hit it off on our first date. Moved in with him 6 months later-shock to me and my family. Married 24 years until he died.
ReplyDeleteYou're awesome :)
ReplyDeleteI'm almost three years out and I, too, wonder if I'm supposed to meet another man. The first few years,I was almost consumed with it. I wanted companionship for myself and a dad for my boys.
I kept thinking, "certainly God doesn't want me to be alone for the next 60 years!!"
I watched as other new widows ran to the alter with the first person to come along... and I was ticked.
But at this point, I see that I'm the smart one. I know that I've had time to work things out and get a good head on my shoulders.
And I'm even content when I realize that my kids may be grown before Mr. Right comes along.
But since I'm content in waiting for him... I'm counting on God to provide the perfect man AND label him with that "Mr. Right" nametag :)
Love, Love, Love this post!!!
ReplyDeleteDear God, Please install a neon sign or nametage on my Mr. Right as you will do for Amanda. We need all the help we can get down here to weed out the "Mr. Wrongs". Oh, and by the way, there seem to be more "Mr. Wrongs" than "Mr. Rights",what is up with that? Personally, I would like to see some balance, please.
Love
ME
Love this post also,
ReplyDeleteIt was just 4 years for me , and last Oct and lets say semi Mr. right for me, came along .. He was from a different state( met him at a dirt bike camp my son races at .of course he had so much in common with me and my boys,he and his 2 boys loved extreme sports , races dirt bikes ,etc) and I really think that 4 years ago I probably would have sold my home and ran off with this man . In the 1 st. few months after my husbands death (we'll longer than that, but anyway ) you are in such a fog ,you barley know who you are anymore . ( he died suddenly in my arms ,massive heart-attack 43).So needless to say it didn't work out with this man ,but Im happy that I had the strength to know better. I have seen also what Jill said ,so many many times ,new widows run off to the alter, and I felt the same way , "ticked" . So Im with Jill we are the smart ones to take the time to really figure who we are without them .. I know when my husband passed I felt so empty and alone ,numb , and than when the fog cleared , I was like who am I without him . We had almost 28 years together,married 20 . So day by day ,second by second ,
and God will provide the perfect man and label him "Mr. Right"
Peace ,Love and strength to you all !
I think the ones that find someone else within the first year or so don't know what they are getting themselves into...once the fog clears, they are with someone who is not so right after all.
ReplyDeleteI know that it is different for everyone but I would say the first relationship after the death is not one that will last. And I made some poor choices in the first and second years.
The next Mr. Right (if there is to be one) will have to relentlessly pursue me. I'm almost 53 and I can't do the running after and don't want to. As much as I hate being single, being married to someone who would treat me like crap is not an option I want to entertain.
The quality of men in my age group is pretty poor...and they want younger women too. I'm pretty much reassigned to being alone the rest of my life going into the fourth year...or being stuck with short-lived relationships that don't go anywhere given the type of material I've got to work with.
Hopefully I won't live into my 80's or 90's which would just even less to pick from than there is now.
Amen!
ReplyDeleteWelcome Amanda. I apologize for not writing sooner. It's always nice to read a new perspective. Each of us have so many similarities in our grief, yet each is so unique.
I am one who has begun the process of getting back into the game, and have been on a couple of dates. Each time I have come back home, and thought to myself, well, they are not Michael. I think it's part of the process, as we never fell out of love.
Anyway, welcome to Widow's Voice.
Dan
I guess what struck me most when reading this post and comments was, after what we have been through, how can you even begin to project that far into the future??? You might not even be here tomorrow. You know, suddenly widowed??? Why get so worked up about something you really have no control over. I live in a small community where the gene pool is small......if I thought about that on top of still reeling about losing my husband a little over 2 yrs ago, I would have probably put an end to my suffering a long time ago. I live day by freaking each day. As mad as this may make some of you, it is the truth. Anticipation causes panic attacks.
ReplyDeleteAll good comments, and I respect everyone's position and varying timetables. Here's my concern: I'm not ready for a new relationship, but when I have pondered it, I think about my husbands' very long, heartbreaking illness, and the sadness and terror of watching it, and what I think about is having to either go through it again with someone else, or they would go through it with me (if they didn't run away). I wonder how those who lost someone after a long term illness get back into the game without constantly thinking about how it's going to end.
ReplyDeleteDon't you worry none. We here don't get mad at anybody! I like your turn of phrase, "I live day by freaking each day." I would have used the expletive though, no matter who it would make mad.:)
ReplyDeleteI guess i hit lucky - i met someone within the 1st year, I was totally not expecting to meet anyone, didn't want to meet anyone - was prepared to spend some time just being me, and not putting any pressures on myself. Out of the blue - I met someone who was so understanding of my situation, we connected as friends first of all. We have now been living together for sometime and have a little boy who is almost two that gives us so much joy. On the other hand, 5 years down the line i am still grieving for my lost love, it comes and goes and hits me all over again when i least expect it. Somedays I feel i have an axe through my heart - it physically hurts. We were together for 13 years and his death was unexpected, aged 39. What helps though is that I am able to talk about it when i want to and my partner is just amazing and doesn't get jealous or feel awkward about it. He said he feels he knows him so well - and feels he is a friend he has never met.
ReplyDeleteIt is difficult not to make comparisons but I have to look at this as a new chapter.
I sometimes feel as if i was rushed along a little bit but i am happy and life is back on track, just a different track.
I believe in fate, and when that 'right' person is meant to come into your life, they will. Listen to your heart & your gut feeling and be true to you.
Hugs
Very much appreciated this post. I find myself constantly torn these days between wanting so badly to find someone to share my life with, to love and be loved....but at the same time still desperately missing my husband and recognizing that what I really want is a Rob-clone. Which certainly would not be fair to anyone else. And yes, I am also terrified of the thought of potentially reliving this whole widow experience. It is a hard place to be in. I would love a Mr. Right sign. It would make this so much easier - and I think we've all earned some "easier" in our lives!!
ReplyDeleteTo Anonymous re long-term illness ... I'm probably older than most everyone here (just turned 60 and was married 41 years) but I will tell you that you are not alone in your thoughts. I have stated rather emphatically that I will never date ... and been told that is not realistic. It's just been 10 months for me and I continue to feel that way but can acknowledge that I don't know what my future holds. All that being said ... your concerns are my concerns. It was an honor to care for my beloved husband those 4.5 years. We grew closer than I ever thought possible in spite of all that cancer threw at us. But am I willing to do that again? No, I am not. I just do not think I have it in me at this point in my life. My one and only "Mr. Right" died on September 22, 2010.
ReplyDeleteI so hear you on this one! I feel a sadness when I hear of my other widow friends in relationships. It is not that I am unhappy for them, I rejoice on their ability to have the courage to move forward! I just am sad for me because all I want is my husband.
ReplyDeleteI think about spending the next 4 decades without someone and it is completely overwhelming. I am trying to learn to just take it one day at a time so that I don't get overwhelmed with the weight of it all.
Thank you for your entry - it is good to know I am not alone....
What a great post and what seems to be a taboo subject, at times, in the widow world. I am a widow of 9 months and in a relationship...one that walked into my life very unexpectedly. I suppose what I want to say is that we all know this journey is personal so assuming all (or even most) widows who meet someone else early on are in a fog and will wake up to realize the relationship is a mistake seems to be an over generalization. Admittedly, yes, some of us rush into relationship to stop being alone. It's like trying to put a bandaid on a gushing bleed. However, some things walk into your life quite unexpectedly (as well as out..) and it isn't always what the rest of the world perceives as the 'perfect' time line but all we can do is follow our hearts, think with our heads, and believe in each other. Widowhood isn't a short journey. Losing a spouse is a lifetime journey. I will always have a hole left in my heart from the sudden death of my husband. But this new love, it's extraordinary. We all have a right to our own opinions and concerns but the last thing I want to feel is judged by the widow world. God knows, there are plenty of people out there watching me and my two children both judging in silently as well as vocally to me. Follow your hearts, take the journey personally and support each other.
ReplyDeleteI am very early in my widowhood - but I find myself craving another relationship - I do realise, however, that what I really want is for life to be 'normal' again - which, to me, is married life. I won't, of course, give into my craving - I recognise it for what it is - I have got to grieve my husband and find out who I am - because after 36 years of marriage you lose your personal identity, your sense of self - you sort of blend together with your husband if you know what I mean. Thank you to you all for your posts - it is wonderful to read different perspectives - there isn't really anyone to talk to about it without being judged or creating alarm.
ReplyDelete