Monday, July 4, 2011

Visualizing Change

I just returned from a camping trip with my brother and his family. It was at one of those family RV resorts, where everyone is parked next to each other, row after row. There were activities galore all weekend long, and lots of happy couples, excited kids, proud grandparents, and me.

Well, that's how it felt most of the time. I'm sure that to everyone one else, I was just one of hundreds of fathers, looking after their kids, and having a good time. I'm sure that they all figured my wife was back at the campsite, busy with her share of the activities, while I was supervising the boys. It's funny how we can feel so different from the others in such a crowd. It can feel so isolating.

I kept looking around, and didn't see many, if at all, single, or only, parents. I also didn't see a soul that looked like a gay parent. Just your run of the mill, cookie cutter, happy heterosexual couples, with their happy vacationing kids. You know, I'm the first to admit that I tend to easily fall into the trap of visualizing myself as someone on the outside looking in. It's easy to do, as I have had plenty of opportunities over the years to feel like someone on the outside looking in.

This weekend I didn't feel overly sad, even in the midst of all the joyous families. It felt like more of a reminder that I need to remain open to being back in the land of the living, and to visualize myself being one, as in one couple, among them. I know that for many that read here, the thought of being with another potential partner, or spouse, is something that seems unlikely, or odd. For me, I always expected that the day would come that I would need to be ready to move toward that part of this journey where new love might be an option.

This is something that Michael and I had plenty of time to think about, and to talk about. He always said he wanted me to find new love. He often made reference to my future boyfriend, or spouse, in our conversations. I think it was his way to make me comfortable with the idea. Lately, I have begun to feel that it is time to be open to this. For about the past six months I have had an ad on, but it was really something to help me make new friends. And, for the most part, it didn't work. I truly believe that it didn't work because it wasn't the right time for me. Being that I am gay, there is always the possibility that any new male friend that comes into my life could later develop into a new romantic partner. So, for that reason I didn't put much effort at all into meeting new guys.

Something is beginning to change. In the last couple of weeks I have suddenly become quite popular on I have several guys writing to me, and trying to get an idea of what I am like. We are now at that point where you start discussing the possibility of getting together for coffee. I'm always so quick to tell new men that I meet that I am looking strictly for something platonic. That way I felt safe, and that I could perhaps have less pressure, or expectations, from the other guy about the possibility of romance.

With this new surge of interest, I'm feeling like someone is telling me it's time to take this step. I can't help but think that Michael has a hand in this. I'm not one who entertains the idea that the dead can reach out, and interact with the living. But, if they have some influence in this world, or in our lives, then I can say that I am definitely feeling Michael's energy these days. I keep visualizing his smiling face, and a wink in his eye. I keep visualizing him trying to convey to me that I need to get out of the house, and on with my life. I keep visualizing him trying to communicate this to me, reminding me that I am still young, and that I could use a good tire rotation now and then.

Maybe it's just me. I'm allowing myself to visualize a change. Perhaps I'm now sending out a new vibe that I am ready, and maybe, just maybe, I am beginning to see the possibility that I could once again find myself with somebody else, somebody new.

I am visualizing change.


  1. "It's funny how we can feel so different from the others in such a crowd. It can feel so isolating." Very true.

    When things that were once part of your 'normal'
    are now very different, it's stressful.
    To keep it together.
    I can even fool myself sometimes
    that I'm OK.
    But the stress cracks eventually break through the thin veneer of OK-ness.

    "Something is beginning to change... ...Maybe it's just me. I'm allowing myself to visualize a change." I'm happy for you. At one year in, I look forward to that point in the future.

  2. May you have all the love you wish for.
    May your open heart attract someone with an equal openness and understanding.
    May you know even more deeply the love you have been given is yours to now give away.

    Dan - I wish all of these things for you.

  3. I love this, Dan.
    For you.
    For all of us.

  4. I too feel alone in a crown- gay or not - the feeling of not being the same hurts. You are doing such a wonderful job; I applaud you since as we know the journey is long and arduous.

  5. Great post Dan. I can't even begin to count the number of times that I have felt like I was wearing some strange mask in a crowd of strangers and or familiar company....that everyone was looking at me as a ill fitting individual. But as you very adequately pointed out, the reality is that no one barely notices those of us without partners. It is so true.

    Even though my husband was taken suddenly and we never even discussed the future without each other, I know for certain that he would want me to move on and establish a new relationship. He would want me to feel loved again.

    Best of luck to you in finding a new and special friend!