Wednesday, June 27, 2012

A bottle of shampoo

The minute I found out Jeremy was dead, time has never again made any sense to me or straightened itself out.

It's amazing how I can feel like seconds have gone by since I've last seen him, while at the same time feeling like it's been an eternity since I've heard his voice. Days get confused, milestones and memories start to overlap and get confusing, and worst of all - when time stops for you, it continues on for the rest of the world.

Lately, I've been feeling so far away from the day Jeremy died. Not him, but that day - so much life has happened in between since then that it feels light years away. I keep having flashbacks of that day while feeling so far removed from it. Like I've gotten used to this day to day without him that sometimes I hardly remember where I was before. It's a horrifying feeling.

But then I step in the shower and see a giant bottle of shampoo - one still remaining from the few that were bought mysteriously and stocked in my house after Jeremy died, and I realize that it wasn't that long ago he was still here. Or I walk past his binoculars on my dresser that still carry the scent of him and remember that he was just here. Or I see Faith wearing the shirt that Jer picked out for her that still fits here and know that not that much time has passed. Or I hear Caleb recall stories of his daddy because it wasn't that long ago.

It's a hard truth to face to know that time will continue to move forward with Jeremy. That each day we all get a little further from him, less people will think about him, and we will continue to grow and change without him. My only solace in that is knowing that one day further from him also means one more day closer to him. And no matter how far away he feels, and no matter how much time doesn't seem to make sense...he was just here.


  1. Yes V. All of it makes sense to me even though it really doesn't make sense at all.

  2. When Brad dies I entered a time warp. Only remeber the hospital, the funeral home, and spreading his ashes. Even now time makes no sense somehow - I move through the day - but it is somehow not connected. Thank you for putting it into words.

  3. I often feel this too.
    I have trouble recalling the life "before he was sick" because he was well and then "sick!" just like that. ( I know cancer doesn't happen that way but the diagnosis felt like that)
    Now the year and a half is mostly what I remember . . . I keep striving for those 35+ years of other memories. . . sometimes I think his death watered them all down.
    I also think about all the things he remembered that I didn't and I could say "what was the name of that place where we had the great dinner in. . . ." and he would know. So when he dies a lot of my past went with him. Memories he carried for the both of us.
    I hate that feeling when I can almost remember but not the full thing.
    I worry will a day come and he too will seem so very far away.
    I try to lay in bed everymorning and conjur the feeling of him in the bed beside me. The curve of his back. The way I could always fit around him and rest my mouth on his shoulder blade. I used to kiss him awake every morning and then roll into his arms. I try to make myself feel that.
    Yes, it often makes me cry (okay almost every time) but I want to keep him, keep that memory of how I woke up every day for most of my life. So I bring it back every day so it won't leave me.
    Because . . . he was just here - only 1 year and 7 months ago.
    Sometimes it feels like an eternity.
    Just like you - when it does I think "one step closer to the reunion".
    Thanks for the reminder.

    1. Yes. Trying to remember things that I know only Jeremy would know the answer to is so frustrating. I hate knowing I've probably lost those memories forever. Thanks for expressing that as well.

  4. Next week will mark the third year without my husband, Chris. There is tremendous guilt associated with moving on without him but life hasn't given me an option. I don't want to remain stuck in my grief because it is such a debilitating place to be, yet the guilt associated with moving forward brings feelings of betrayal. Trying to keep one foot in the past and one foot in the future is a challenging place to be. Wish it were different, maybe one day it will be.

    1. Moving forward without guilt is one of the hardest things to do - maybe impossible to some. I still have some guilt associated with that myself, but I remember that my husband wouldn't have it any other way. Then I tell myself that I will live a life that he would be proud of. Prayers that you are able to do the same, and smile at the same time. Blessings.

  5. Its funny sometimes how timely these posts are, I guess in a way of dealing with the loss of my wife lately I have been telling her every night "Doll I'm one day closer to you" because often I think there really is nothing left to look forward to and i really can't wait to see her again.