Wednesday, June 20, 2012

What would you like to know?

Yesterday, I opened up my personal blog to questions from readers about my grief journey, my new relationship with Steve, and anything in between that maybe I hadn't addressed yet or before. I was overwhelmed with the response and questions that came from it, and am excited to get the opportunity to share our story and open our hearts in a world of grief that so few people at our age really understand.

I had never intended to do the same here, but I realize that this group of readers is different. We approach life with a different lens. I could tell the questions on my personal blog that came from other widows or those who had experienced grief before and were curious about how to handle different situations or aspects of grief. So, we wanted to extend the same opportunity here: for people to ask questions to Steve and me (we will both answer from our different perspectives) in maybe areas that aren't always touched on.

Obviously, I don't have the answers. Or any right ones. We all know that grief looks different for everyone, and I can't even say that I've got one single thing figured out. What I do know is that being a pregnant widow at 28, and getting remarried 18 months later is rare and raises a lot of questions for people - I get it. I would have some too. Steve and I both feel passionately about our calling to walk this journey of grief and help others along the way - him as a grief counselor, me as a young widow - to hopefully shed some light with our unique perspectives in areas that need it. And to bring hope. We're willing to be honest and transparent with our story and our grief if it means helping someone else on their own journey. That's what this blog is all about right? Helping each other? I'm thankful for the opportunity to do that in any way.

So, if you have any questions for Steve and I, ask away. We'll address them next Thursday here and try to answer. The only questions we won't answer are ones that are disrespectful, demeaning, or judgmental. But as I've already learned, those kinds of things only come from people who don't "get it" - and here, we're in good company.

What would you like to know?


  1. Hi Vee -
    I have been widowed for a year and a half.
    Married for over 30 years.
    I have recently started seeing someone. They are wonderful, sweet, kind, smart and funny. Our intimacy is incredible, are friendship is growing.
    Here is the thing . . . .sometimes after we make love and I am laying there happy - an image of my late husband will pop in my head it could be anything . . . his laugh, the way he said certain phrases, just . . . an image of him. Suddenly, my heart has this grip of pain . . .it's not that I forget him when I am with this new person (not at all) but I don't know what to say . . . when they say "you're quiet"
    Did this ever happen to you?
    This person is very supportive and I talk open about my late spouse but sometimes I feel it isn't the right moment to say "oh, I was just remembering something sweet he used to do".
    But I still remember. . ..
    It also makes me feel no matter how wonderful this love is . . .I will never fully recover from my grief.I really feel like until the day I die - every day will have something to grieve.
    A good friend who lost a husband said to me "the woman I am doesn't miss him as much or in the same way as the woman I was when he died"
    Meaning - his death changed her and caused her to change.
    What do you think? and How does Steve cope with those moments of "longing for the lost love".
    Thanks so much for being open to this kind of questioning. I have no one else to ask.

  2. Thank you for this-may I ask when you took your rings off? It has been 10 months for me and I'm still wearing them.

  3. Hi Vee.

    I've been widowed just over 2 years, and have started seeing someone about 4 months now. (8 months ago I was mortified at the thought of dating, but after thinking about it regularly, I decided I was OK trying it. Oddly it hasn't seemed as weird or awkward to me as I thought it would be.)

    I don't know where it's heading, how long it will last, or basically if he's the new 'one'. (He was a blind date, setup by mutual friends.) For the first few months I felt we were going to be very compatible. Then I've found myself questioning the relationship. I really don't believe in love at first site, and am wondering if this is simply 'lust' at first sight.

    He's pretty much only the 2nd man I've ever 'been' with, and so I now find myself stepping back emotionally and wondering if I'm jumping into something too quickly.

    We like each other, there's chemistry, and he has a lot of positive characteristics that I really like and admire - many things that I often found lacking in my late husband. (On 'paper' he seems very similar to my husband, but in reality he's very different.) For the record, I was never looking for similar, or a replacement, I was simply starting to put myself out there again.

    So, now I'm starting to question the likelihood of me finding 'the one' right off the mark, and am wondering if I'm seeing things clearly. Am I just rebounding in some way? Initially I was attracted to all the qualities he has that my husband didn't, but now I'm finding myself missing all the qualities that my husband had, and this guy doesn't.

    Should I step back because really there's no way that the first guy I hookup with could be the one.
    But does it make sense to catch and release him simply because he's the first one?

    And also, we have never had the discussion yet as to what either of us wants in this or any relationship. (He has never initiated that discussion, and quite frankly I've had no desire to ask the question either, because I really don't think I knew what I wanted.)
    I've been content for months just enjoying his company for what it is, but am now starting to wonder where it's going, or if that even matters!

    This all seems very rambling now to me. I don't really have any one question. I guess, I'm just wondering how to recognize my own fears coming into play and not projecting them onto him.

    And at what point to you tell somebody new that you love them? (I'm not at that point yet, but I'm wondering...) Do you throw caution to the wind, and risk being heartbroken by their response? What if you're not 100% sure of your own feelings? Can you actually BE 100% sure of your own feelings anymore, after losing the man you thought you'll grow old with?


  4. Hi Vee, I give you a lot of credit for doing this. You are brave! Does your husband ever feel like he is #2? Does he struggle with living in the shadow of your late husband? Just curious as I recently started dating a widow and sometimes I feel like no matter what, I'm never going to be first in her heart. I will never be the only man she's in love with, and that will make me sad from time to time (other times I do understand and accept it it but that doesn't mean it is always easy). Would like to hear your husband's perspectives if that is ok. Thanks.