And just a few months after he died, in the fall of 2012, I stumbled upon this artist's creative business e-workshop that was called "Flying Lessons". Drew was also a flight instructor, so it was all too obvious that he was telling me something. I signed up immediately. The Facebook group for the course truly carried me through those early months. Because of the theme of the class, all the women in the group would write cheesy encouragements to each other like "keep flying!" or "I'll see you up in the clouds!". It always made me smile, and confirmed he lead me there for a reason.
All things flight definitely seem to follow me around now, but it's been a while since I've had any signs that made me stop in my tracks. Until yesterday…
I was tinkering away on a new sculpture at a local clay studio I just started working with. It was midday and pretty cold, so the place was empty. After about an hour, I took a break to take some process photos of my work, and as I framed the picture, I noticed something written on the worktable just a foot above where I was working. As I read it, I'm pretty sure my jaw dropped to the floor…
I was speechless. For those who aren't aware, Drew died in a helicopter crash. Of all the places for this message to be… on the work table in a clay studio??? In front of the exact woman who's fiancé had died flying? And it wasn't even the spot I usually work at. Because it was so cold out, the owner told me to work in that corner because it was the warmest spot in the studio. So I took his suggestion and moved there. For about 20 minutes after reading it, I just sat there totally stunned. I kept looking around the room - my mind saying a bit humorously, "Are you SURE you're dead?!?". When I first read it, of course my interpretation was something like "flying is pointless unless you die doing it". Well, what a totally demented and Drew-like thing to say, lol. Of course as I sat with it longer, I realized it was really talking about living life. If you don't die really living life, then what's the point of living? Damn. That's SO HIM to say. And SO how he lived his life.
I realize someone else's hand wrote that message - but somehow, that message found its way to me… in the far corner of an art studio an hour from where I live, out on a 20 acre ranch that I'd have never even known about if it wasn't for Drew's mom having taken classes there and introducing me to the owners.
For me, it is a sign to keep doing the things that make me feel alive. To keep taking big chances and doing things that maybe totally scare me, just to see where they take me. It is definitely the sort of advice he would always give me. And what's also crazy, is that I had that exact talk with my counselor a few weeks ago. I've been in a real slump since my job ended a month ago, and he recommended I focus on things that make me feel alive - not happy - but ALIVE… which is somehow way easier to focus on in the midst of grief than the idea of "happy". There isn't much that makes me feel truly happy since he died, but there are lots of things that make me feel alive. That I can do… in fact, that was the reason for going to the clay studio to begin with. Man, you can't make this stuff up!
And then of course today I am promptly slapped in the face with an opportunity to leap into the air and try to test this message out: A job opening to teach art lessons to a young boy. I have no experience teaching AT ALL and am completely terrified of stepping this far out of my comfort zone. Despite that, I cannot stop thinking about how much I want to share art - my deepest passion - with other people. So, I guess I'm gonna listen to the writing on the table… here's hoping I fly.
Sarah- Thank you so much for this post! I lost my boyfriend in a motorcycle accident almost two years ago. Before his accident I did not believe in signs like this one but now I am starting to think I was wrong. On my first trip after the funeral to the cemetery he is buried in there just happened to be a motorcyclist in front of me and I saw a large group of them on my way home. Ferdinand was buried out in the country along roads with little traffic- just the roads he used to LOVE riding on. That is just one example. Then just this morning I was listening to NPR interview an author saying that nothing is coincidence and now reading your post- I think I believe.
ReplyDeleteYou are so welcome, and thank you for sharing those signs. I believe it 100%! Drew drove a black Toyota Tacoma, and for the whole first year after he died I would always have one driving next to me on the highway when i commuted to and from work. Every time! Until i finally started driving his truck myself… i guess he wanted me to be driving it, because the black trucks don't seem to follow me like they used to.
DeleteIt really is incredible, and i think if we can just believe in our hearts that they ARE out there, trying to tell us they are okay, and with us, it can helps us so so much on this journey. Thank you for sharing
Good luck Sarah, you will be a wonderful teacher! I too have signs that are my gifts. I haven't had one for awhile, but I know I will again. Thank you for writing here, I feel a closeness with you. SK
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for the encouragement and for reading =)
DeleteI hope that next sign comes soon. I know it will!
Thank you so much for sharing this! My husband passed in a motorcycle accident coming up on 6 years this year and I get quite a few looks when I saw well he was doing what he loved most when he passed....he was flying :) Maybe because of his young age or that if indeed he had to go he was doing something that he truly loved is why I get the weird looks at the comment but it has brought me peace through rough moments. But it as well as a number of other signs, are a constant reminder to LIVE today in what we love doing and fight through the grief to always have HOPE and to embrace the now, here today.
ReplyDeleteWhat an awesome message, thank you for this Kristen. I couldn't agree more! I feel I should share with you the words we have engraved on Drew's headstone, as it was a creed he lived by:
Delete"Should my end come while I am in flight
whether brightest day or darkest night
spare me your pity and shrug off the pain
secure in the knowledge I'd do it again
for each of us is created to die
and within me i know, I was born to fly"
I recite it each time I leave the cemetery, that last line reminding me always that I am born to fly, and fly is what i will do. =)
Oh how these "gifts" lift your soul. Beautifully written Sarah thank you and you're already flying high. Enjoy!!
ReplyDeletethank you Becky for reading and for the encouragement!
DeleteThanks so much for your words you wrote beautifully. My husband was a fixed wing flight instructor. He LOVED it. Just like your husband. I can relate to him saying the same thing about living life to the fullest. I feel like this is the post I needed tonight. My husband passed 2.5 yrs ago. Like that matters. It's all painful anyway. Some days, like these days, it's hard to get up. So thanks for the kick in the pants :) Jk. I'll try something new tomorrow. Live a little more. Great reminder :)
ReplyDeleteHi Laura, "like that matters" ha - you said it alright. Here i am at a year and a half and often realizing that to everyone else not going through loss, a year and a half has happened. For me, no time at all has passed, and decades simultaneously. I've had a bit of a rough morning myself today, so I think I read your comment here on the day I needed it too! So thanks for that =)
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