Wednesday, February 5, 2014
This Is Hard ......
...... in fact it's one of the hardest things I've had to do. Not THE hardest of course. I've already done that.
As have each of you.
The time has come for me to say good bye.
Not good bye for good.
Michele has said that I can sub in whenever she needs me.
And I'll see many of you at a future Camp Widow.
But it's time for me to stop writing on a weekly basis.
You all have been wonderful for the almost 6 years I've been writing here.
You've put up with my sometimes TOO honest posts (and just so you newer ones know, I did write about sex once. Here. :)
You've hung in there when I've ranted about depression and suicide ..... and my thoughts about them.
You've stood by me through dating for the first time, with a man who was a better friend, than partner.
And you rallied behind me when my first on-line relationship (and last ...... so far) turned out to be a psycho SOB who targets widows ..... and their money.
That one was tough.
You've been sad with me when waves of grief continued to knock me to my knees ...... and you've been happy for me when the smiles started coming more often than the tears.
I couldn't ask for a better support group.
And I can never say thank you enough.
But I will ask one thing of you: please don't congratulate me for leaving because I'm "healed", or "better", or "moving on". I've never enjoyed reading those posts when other writers have stopped writing.
I don't know about everyone else, but I didn't write here to help me heal. Yes, that may have been a perk sometimes, but that's not why I wrote.
I haven't had any kind of epiphany or vision ...... nor have I been struck by lightening (or anything else). I just came to the realization (several months ago) that I have less to say, especially to newer grievers who don't really want to read about "Hope", or feeling better, or learning to be happy without him/her.
For years I have written for two reasons and only two reasons.
1. To give you Hope ...... about anything and everything.
2. To let each one of you know that you are not alone, you're not crazy, there's no timeline to follow, and there are no set-in-stone stages of grief. It simply is what it is, for as long as it is.
I hope I've done that for most of you.
Thank you to all of you who told me that I did.
Because every time you did that, you helped my Hope continue.
And that, my friends, is one of the best gifts we can give to each other.
Please keep commenting. Comment to the authors and comment to each other. We all need to know that we've made a connection.
So I'm taking my leave. But I'll never be far away. I'll continue to read here ...... and comment.
And if you decide that you just can't make it through a day without my humor, wit and sometimes boring posts ...... just shoot me an email and I'll tell you where you can find me still spouting off about life. Mostly my life, but one never knows what I may pontificate about on any given day! However, it's most likely to do with living in NY (was that a spoiler?). :)
For those of you who are new here, I started a blog 3 months before Jim's sudden death, and continued it for 6 years. It's still there. I won't take it down because I know that it can still do someone good.
And I started a new blog after I moved to NY this past year. It's a bit different, but I'm still a widow, so that will likely always be a part of my writing.
Now just so you know, I'm leaving you in a pair of very capable hands. The hands of an adventurous woman, named Alison Miller, who joined our ranks in the spring of 2013.
In 2009 her husband, Chuck, retired and the two of them decided to hit the road and travel, rather than settle down in Florida (or any other popular place for retirees). They enjoyed being "Happily Homeless" and driving all over the country ...... until cancer caught up with them, and took her wonderful Chuck 3 weeks later.
And then Alison did something I couldn't have done ...... she decided to keep traveling, for both of them. She painted her car pink (so "he'd be able to find her easier out there!) and she got a trailer, which she had trimmed in that same pink.
Is that awesome or what?!! :)
She still grieves, of course, but she's out there ...... on new roads with her new life, and I'm sure Chuck is cheering her pink self on.
Here's what Alison has to say:
"I've always thought of myself as a strong woman. It's only now that my husband died that I'm finding out how strong I really am. I'm determined to survive, and thrive, beyond this pain. Dying of a broken heart isn't as easy as it sounds, so, since I haven't died, I've decided to create a new life for myself that will set the world ablaze. I'm hurling myself into new situations: indeed, my entire life is vastly different from what it was with him. All I have left of him is our love, and that is my guiding force in life as I full-time it on the road in my PinkMagic rig."
I know you will enjoy her fresh and different perspective and that you will welcome her with open arms (and lots of comments!).
You all rock, so much more than you know, and I am going to miss the hell out of you.
Thank you for always making me feel special.
I consider you my friends and look forward to meeting as many of you as I can in the future.
Hold on to Hope.
And keep breathing.
With gratitude and love ...... and a few tears,
(For blog sites, email me at Janinee@sslf.org)