I'm not only mourning the death of my husband; I'm mourning the death of who I was for the last 24 years. Chuck and I always had our separate passions with jobs and friends but our passion for each other ruled above all, especially in the 4 years we spent on the road traveling full time. He loved my spontaneity and sense of fun. I loved teasing him into lightheartedness and silliness. Ours was a very physical relationship; touching, kissing, holding hands and wild and crazy sex and a depth of intimacy that only grew stronger as we drove and adventured around this country.
Why isn't this spoken about more often in the widow/ed community? Why don't we talk about this huge loss that takes place in addition to the death of our husbands or wives? Why don't we talk about the ache of loneliness that comes from the end of not only the emotional intimacy but the tearing loss of the physical? I'm sure that there must be others who think about it-I can't possibly be the only one. Making love. Having sex. Flirting with each other. Having fun. All of the laughter and the teasing that is a cornerstone to a healthy relationship.
How do you go from always being touched to not being touched any longer by the man you love? How do you go from deep, passionate kisses with his hand holding the back of your neck just so, to...nothing? How do you go to sleep by yourself when you spent 24 years with his body wrapped around yours? What do you do with the memory of standing against the wall with his hands on each side of you as he leans in to kiss you and the tearing loneliness that fills your body and mind knowing it will never happen again? What do you do when you know that all you have is memory and you look in the mirror and see your body suddenly aging because what kept you feeling so young and in love, even after 24 years, is gone?
I don't care if it's uncomfortable to talk about this. It's real. I felt so much a woman with my husband. I celebrated being a woman, feminine to his masculine, the yin/yang of our love.
And I deeply mourn the loss of that self. I mourn the death of the woman I was with this man who was the center of my universe, this man who brought sunshine to my life, who made me feel more a woman than I've ever felt.
Grief is a morass that creeps its' tentacles into every area of my life in ways that I never envisioned; I miss the love, I miss the romance of being in love, from him and with him. My body cries out for him and my eyes reflect the loss.
I need to stop looking in the mirror.
Alison...your words are my words....my husband and I had a very passionate love life...and in between we were always holding...snuggling...flirting.....this was our second marriage...married 5 years when he died unexpctantly....John was the only man that awakened me as a woman at age 50, the age I was when we met. How i miss that part of my life...I still have not learned how to live with all of this loss....almost 23 months out.
ReplyDeleteDo you find yourself sighing a lot? Not out of a sense of martyrdom, but out of longing and remembering and wishing....
DeleteYes I do. An incredible void.......
DeleteMost definitely, Alison!
DeleteAnd sometimes in the middle of the night i am dreaming we are making love.
However what i miss the most are the kisses...the holding hands...the snuggling...etc.....sigh:(
Every little thing is missed, isn't it?
DeleteSooooo true.......I miss all of this the most of all.....and it is the one thing you can't talk about very much with most prople most of the time. Except here. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteI think it would be helpful to bring this particular topic out of the closet more frequently-it's just as real as any other issue~
DeleteSooooooo true......so exactly true. It is the one thing I miss most.....and it is the one thing you cant talk about to most people most of the time. Except here, except with you. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteI woke up two hours ago and knew immediately that it would not be a good day. I looked over to the empty spot in the bed where the love of my life no longer sleeps; the spot where he died beside me of a sudden heart attack at 3:11 a.m. some 32 months ago. As I approach the third anniversary of the death of my husband and the death of my life as I knew it, I am, once again, thrown back into profound grief. No, it doesn't get easier despite what everyone proclaims. How could it? The love of my life is dead! The life we shared for 16 years is gone. My memories are awesome, but they don't hold me, comfort me, make love to me, nor do they help me travel this road that will take me to the end of my days. I walk around with a broken heart; I am alone without the man I adored and who adored me back. I keep asking how will I survive this hellish lonely journey without the love of my life.
ReplyDeleteWhenever my mind wanders to the future, I pull myself back immediately to this moment, where my feet are. To even anticipate tomorrow without him is unbearable. Stand where your feet are, that's my motto~
DeleteI miss it all too. I think it's not talked about because there is no solution, other than find another mate. Massages are touch, but they're not love. We each will find out for ourselves how much we miss the physical part with their death. We not only mourn losing them, we mourn losing us as a couple, and we mourn the life we had planned that isn't going to happen. At least that's where I'm at. I think the term is "skin hunger". Touch is such an integral part of our lives, and then to have it not there is just another loss piled on top of all the others. If you haven't lost your person, you don't even think about this. When you lose your person, it's sometimes all you think about. I hate looking in the mirror, too, some days I hardly recognize me.
ReplyDeleteI get so many hugs from so many people and each of those hugs are treasured and mean so much to me and yet....they aren't from him. It's a constant struggle in my mind over...."he''s gone forever and it's so painful and I miss his touch" to "there is so much love still here" and back and forth. It's exhausting~
DeleteUnless you've really experienced loss and grief, it's hard to imagine all the secondary losses. After the loss of my husband almost 4 years ago, I started holding tightly onto his pillow at night as I cried myself to some sort of sleep. Him holding me at night and giving me that true sense of being protected and loved was the hardest secondary loss for me. Even today, 4 years later, when I'm at my lowest or scared or feeling sad..I grab that pillow. Thank you for putting into words the "s" loss.
ReplyDeleteBecky,
DeleteAnd yet, I'm so sad that we're here to even have to talk about it. I sleep on Chuck's pillow every night-it travels with me as I live on the road.
I'm glad you're here~
I agree with Cathy. It's not talked about because there is no solution besides getting another mate. That "skin hunger" is overpowering sometimes. I think someone wrote about "Human For Rent" here in this blog space but I haven't been able to find it again. I, too, have a hard time recognizing the woman in the mirror. The dark circles under my eyes, the loss of sparkle in my eyes and the weight gain are all too much for me to bear sometimes because when my husband was alive, he'd always say "I love you just the way you are." That's what kept me young, youthful and vibrant.
ReplyDeleteIt's been almost 20 months since my husband passed and I miss his loving touch tremendously. Years ago, when my single girlfriends would want to get with a guy just to have sex I would say "Are you crazy!? They make toys for that!" but of course I was married and I really didn't understand what they were feeling. Now, as a widow, I'm painfully aware of what they're feeling. I miss sex but I miss sex with my husband and while I'm not the kind of person to do the "hook up" thing, toys can only do so much. They have the ability to provide a "release" but they don't have the ability to massage your back, cuddle, kiss you passionately, call you just to say "I love you" or give you a big hug when you need it most.
I have three sisters-in-law who have been widowed for 30, 17 and 10 years. None of them date (although the one who has been widowed for 30 years did try dating a few guys) and they don't seem to miss the intimacy they shared with their spouses. (Yikes!) I can't really talk to them about this issue because I'm talking about their "baby" brother and they're not ready to discuss him in that manner.
If I had a solution, I'd be sure to share it right away but I don't. I just have to keep moving forward, exercising, drinking plenty of water and trying to get rest so that I can look at the woman in the mirror and not say "Yeesh! Who is that!?" I don't know how to get the sparkle back into my pretty brown eyes because that part of me died when my husband died but I just have to trust in God that I will get another companion one day. I'm pretty sure it'll have to be a widower because while I know I'm capable of loving again, there will always be a place in my heart that belongs to my late husband and when I die, I'll be buried with him regardless of who I may be with when I pass. I don't think a single or divorced person can fully understand that but if he can, great!
I apologize for the rambling but hopefully, what I wrote makes sense. Thank you, Alison, for bringing this up. As with the other things on this site, you are not alone in your thinking.
--Chelly
I agree with all you wrote, Chelly...yet i cant imagine another mate can even come close to what I had and miss so very very much.
DeleteChelly,
DeleteYou aren't rambling at all. I believe that any of us who is fortunate enough to find another mate to love, will always have that spot in our heart that belongs only to our loved one who died. In a similar way to a parent who has more than one child, and loves each of them, so too if we partner again. It makes perfect sense to me. I'm the woman I am because of my years with my husband-how can that be left behind simply because I ask another man to join his life with mine?
Could not have written this any differently. It is going on three years for me this April & I miss my husband's kisses, hugs & touches more than ever. I usually wake up everynight aching for him, wanting his arms around me, making me feel so loved & safe. We were so in love & so physical with each other. My heart is broken & I will never be the same. No one will know of the pain & suffering we widows go through. Widdowhood is hell.
ReplyDeleteAnd widowhood is all encompassing. There isn't one area of our lives that aren't touched by the absence of our partner.
DeleteWhat overwhelms me is that there is no end time to this. No point at which we finish this grief. If there was, I could just grit my teeth to get through it. As it is, I live in a perpetual state of clenched teeth~
I don't know who coined the term "skin hunger" but I think it's pretty brilliant. I would go so far as to call in "skin starvation" though. I remember feeling as though I wanted to crawl out of my skin from not being touched by my husband. I missed sex, sure, but also vanished was the hand on the small of my back as he reached around me for something on the countertop, the casual hugs, the pat on the rear when the kids weren't looking. Hugs from other people were nice but not the same. No, not nearly the same. Swedish massage kept me sane as did Restorative Yoga which seemed to help with the skin hunger though I don't know why. None of it was the same though. The touch that comes from the love of a partner who loves you deeply is like nothing else. Deep peace to you.
ReplyDeleteSkin hunger-what a very apt description! The small things in our day, the large things in our day...all those things that are missing and bring it home to us how gone he is~
DeleteI agree with all that you women are sharing. I lost my wife just over two years ago. None of you mentioned how your spouse had died. My wife of 50 years was not "real" sexually physical after 2007. That is when she started having problems with breathing. I won't bore you with the details from 2010 til her death in 2012, but it was caring for her 24/7. Sure there were times of intimacy of affection, but the rest of the time was caring for her.
ReplyDeleteAfter her death I was searching for something, but not knowing what it was. I was and still am an affectionate person. I love people and making them feel that they are important and someone who is listening to them. Before my wife passed she told me to stay healthy and find someone to love me and take care of me After signing up with several dating services, I found someone. She was not the type of person I was looking for. After taking her out a few times I started to like her more. When I started to expose her to some of my family, friends and church group, I started to fall in love with her. It seems that by saying this is my girlfriend, I became proud of her. Yes, she is not the beauty queen that I was seeking,but what is beauty anyway? The number one thing that has happened is, that she REALLY loves me and she takes good care of me. We are now experiencing the passion in our new lives together. You can not live in the past, but let the past be part of you and go on from there.
I've said a lot and this is the first time I've done this, so, I guess you people have helped me write this.
Well, I hope by me sharing this with you, you might get something out of it too.
God Bless you all. Regards Dale
Dale...happy to hear you are recreating your life...I am almost 22 months out yet do not feel I am even close to dating...if ever. Yet i can not also imagine being by myself the rest of my life.
DeleteDale,
DeleteChuck died of cancer and in the last 6 months or so of his life, our physical life changed greatly. We didn't know that his cancer was back-he was symptomatic of something else, but I would say to him frequently "I just want US back". That never happened and so, yes, so many things changed even before he died.
I'm so glad that what I wrote echoed in you so that you responded.
May we all be blessed~
Yes that is how it is...
ReplyDeleteI didn't know this blog existed until now. It's been 3 1/2 years since my husband died unexpectedly. I have two little ones and together we press on. We talk about him daily and reminisce. Late at night, though, when they are sleeping and I'm alone is when I miss him the most. "Skin Hunger" is a term that evokes a visceral response in me. I miss his touch, the way he looked at me, and (maybe most of all) the way his skin smelled when I would bury my head in his chest.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you found us here at SSLF, Rosie. Life has a way of keeping us busy during the daylight hours, no matter what else is going on. It's those night-time hours that bring home the intensity of the missing-ness~
DeleteIt has been almost three years and I do miss the hugs, kisses and random pats on the bum. Just having him to cuddle with is missed. Yes I acknowledge I am a sexual woman. Have dated a few times. Have been in a long distance relationship for a year. We met once and it was like dynamite! Communication continues and we are progressing slowly. He is caring and understanding of my loss.Hugs from him, of all the hugs received in these three years, make me feel protected and secure. Almost the same as I felt with my late husband.
ReplyDeleteJust found this blog. I am 5 months into widowhood and thoughts on the "s" word and touch really hit home. We were together 62 years and contrary to what some people think loving and touching and yes even sex do not stop. I miss him for so much, things I must do alone, places I must go alone but most of all the intimate moments we shared which our kids probably understand but do not especially want to hear. I know at my age I will never have a love like that again and really do not want one. But touch is very important, I too have hugged a pillow. Nights are so long and empty. I enjoy the blog, may we all find peace and purpose again. I'm country gal.
ReplyDeleteI Am Missing My Husband Of 36 Yrs In So Many Ways. It's Been Almost 11 Mths. Since He Died At 3:30A.m. At Our Home Of A Heart attack. IThe Last Time Our Lips Touched I Was Giving Him CPR To No Avail. No One Knows The Unbearable Loneliness That Lives Inside Me 24/7.
ReplyDeletemyrosesw
ReplyDeleteI agree with virtually everything written here. Its been just over a year since my beloved passed away. He restored my life, we met 17 yrs ago - became love of your life marriage. Loved the cuddles, the legs constantly entwined, if I sat up in bed reading a book, he would lie across the bed and my knees and look up at me. There was love, passion, fun, playful games, and just holding and gentle touch. Now of course I have the empty flat eyes that do not sparkle etc. What I do want to say to all of us is.. that it is not only the grief that is ageing us, it is something that has been studied medically. A man's pheromines have powerful effect on a woman's health. When young it helps balance her menstrual cycle, but it also helps with feelings of strength, and confidence, relaxation, and a great deal more. Some of the studies said that women who had sex at least every week were healthier... but there has been another aspect... because they realised that you do not to have to full sex, just cuddling you are in his arms and his pheromines are around and on your skin. The effects on older women have been quite considerable, helping hormones, self esteem (because they feel stronger, and they do not age so much), and helps their confidence. Pheromines also help with attractiveness. Older women can still feel attractive and are attractive to men because of all these factors. Apparently one can buy pheromines to help us. Whatever we may feel about all this... the biggest BOOST for us is that we need men and they need us. I often wondered recently, why if I was taken by a volunteer driver (after being injured) to a clinic, I felt better. I thought it was some kind of energy that a man gave out, and we did as well. There was not touch but somehow after being in the car I felt better. It happened with a man who regularly comes to help me in the garden. I had more energy to go out and help. NOW I THINK IT IS BECAUSE I AM GETTING MALE PHEROMINES. I think it is worth investigating.... because women have pheromines as well... so we are making an effect on the men in a beneficial way. So it puts another dimension on our loss and why we feel so rough, look aged, and feel so lacking in energy. God bless you all