(Danbo photo - source unknown)
Well here I find myself in February again - his birthday coming up and then March 1 looms large at the end of this month.
But....
This year, so far, I am feeling ..... fine.
I don't expect that this will last the whole month.
It could just take one single let-down or piece of bad news and I am bound to lose it.
But so far ...... fine.
Fine.
Just the letters in this word seemed so foreign to me just 1 year ago. ....and almost 4 years ago, I couldn't even imagine that I would me sitting here, feeling .... fine.
I will keep you posted as we travel through this month ..... but as of right now?
Not exactly good.
Not exactly bad.
Not exactly desperate.
Not exactly OK.
Not exactly happy.
Not exactly miserable.
but....
Fine.
Every time I have come here feeling a "specific" certain way, I have found these blog entries to speak to me. Today would have been my fourth anniversary. We had a Vegas wedding 4 years ago today. I am not sure how I am feeling but my mind is keeping busy with work while my heart has a numb ache. Cumulative effect - fine.
ReplyDeleteL
I was just thinking of May - which will mark my husband's passing 4 yrs ago, my oldest son's birthday- the 7th one since his passing and my boyfriend's late wife's birthday, the 2nd one since her passing. Every "milestone" march is it's own march and this year, having a "boyfriend" in the picture, who's also a widower will be different, I just don't know how different, only time will tell -
ReplyDeletefine. yep.
ReplyDeleteThe words I'm fine and I'm ok take on a different meaning for me now. Today they mean that I'm feeling a little shaking and I'm moving forward with hope.
ReplyDeleteHang in there Amanda.
Maria O.