Thursday, May 1, 2014

A long strange trip...



I lost my husband on February 17, 2013. Mike had a heart attack in his sleep; he was 59. I was about a month away from my 45th birthday, and we were a few months away from our 14th wedding anniversary. I found him that morning. It was the single most shocking and horrible thing that's ever happened to me. The past 439 days have been the longest, strangest trip I've ever taken. And it's not over yet. It will never be over.

Anyone remember that legendary warning from Woodstock not to eat the brown acid, which was supposedly giving people bad trips? A few months ago I was trying to explain to a friend how surreal my life, and the whole world in fact, seemed now that he was gone. It's as if I wake up each morning and take my daily dose of the bad brown LSD and then move on with my day, the colors and sounds swirling around me unrecognizable, the panic and paranoia clenching my throat, my heart racing. 

When Michele first contacted me about joining this wonderful community here at Widow's Voice, I was deeply honored and grateful for the opportunity to share my story, and connect with others on this journey of healing.  I immediately started writing some introductory paragraphs about myself. And then wrote them again. And rewrote them. Again. And again. And again. 

I realized the panic had begun to set in. How much do I tell? What does everyone need or want to know about me, and where do I start? How can I possibly tell everything in a blog post? And what if I'm not doing this widowhood thing right? What if I bare my soul and get punched in the face?

My therapist reminded me that there is no right or wrong when it comes to grieving. There is no road map, schedule, or timetable. How we survive the loss of our spouse depends on so many variables, and everyone deals with it differently. And I know too, that I can share what I feel moved to share, even though I realize you can't please everybody all the time. So relax, Stephanie. Everything's going to be ok.

*Deep breath*

There seem to be a few basic questions and bullet points that widows exchange about themselves when they share and support each other, so I thought maybe I'd include a few of these details about my own experience here in this first post:

How long has it been for you today? 14 1/2 months. Was it a sudden unexpected death, or a long, drawn-out battle with disease? Sudden and unexpected. Were there children? Two grown stepdaughters. How have we dealt with practical matters like finances and legalities? It's mostly settled other than I will probably eventually lose my house. How long before we start moving their belongings out of our living space? A few things after two weeks because I had to rent out part of my house, the bulk of it after nine months other than a few select items I will treasure forever. Do we think about dating again? No, but it happened anyway.

I am a positive person by nature, but nowhere near as happy and bouncy as my dear Tigger of a late husband. He taught me so much about love, and life. I am a better person for having known him, and that is how I'm choosing to survive today. I can't speak for tomorrow yet, but today I'm doing better than yesterday. Today, the world is slowly coming back into focus, and my heartbeat is beginning to settle back into a more regular rhythm. Mostly I can talk about him in public without crying now, but yesterday I broke down in tears in the dentist chair. I still never know when that will happen, but at least now I know I will survive. As time goes on, I'll tell more about how I got here and how I'm managing this challenging task of recreating my future. I hope to hear from many of you too, about how you are walking this difficult path.

I can't say I know anything about an afterlife, but I still talk to Mike all the time anyway, and I imagine he would be trying to talk me down from that bad trip. When I first began exposing myself online with all of this, I asked him, out loud, as I stood alone on my porch here in beautiful Kona, Hawaii, to let me know I was doing the right thing, and to help me. The next day I received the initial inquiry from Michele about Widow's Voice. When we finally spoke about the details, she let me know my first post would be on May 1. Wow, I said, as the gooseflesh prickled my arms, and I saw him winking at me in my mind's eye. Mike and I got engaged on May 1, 1999, and it was always a very special day for us. I take it as a good sign. 

I am so looking forward to my new journey here with you all.

13 comments:

  1. Stephanie, my husband, who I adored, died in his sleep of a massive heart attack on June 2011. The trauma of that night will stay with me forever. I called 911 when I realized he wasn't breathing and had police, paramedics, and a neighbor with me at 4:00 a.m. When I got to the hospital, a doctor walked in and said "your husband is gone." I realize now that he was dead before they took him to the hospital. As I approach the third anniversary of his death, I still cry unexpectedly anywhere at any time. We were retired and spent all our time together. The love of my life died beside me and the life we knew died with him. This grief journey may take forever for me. The loneliness is oppressive and the journey is long.

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    1. I believe that grief may be with us forever, even if we manage to move forward in our lives - even, maybe as good things happen, and even, maybe, if we can find happiness - that grief will always be there on some level. For me, it seems like it will always be a part of me, missing him. We too spent all our time together, as he was also retired. There are so many, many little things I miss about the life we shared. I am trying to build a new life but am finding I must build it around his memory, maybe as a city rebuilds around a beautiful old tree, or historic building. Thank you for sharing.

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    2. Anonymous, My husband also died suddenly in June 2011 when a tree fell on him. I was looking out the window, saw him take one step to his left, I turned away from the window and when
      I looked back, the tree was on the ground, unknown to me at the moment, he was underneath. My biggest struggle, even now, is believing he's actually gone. Isn't that crazy? I too still have crying jags, unable to take in the fact that what I knew is suddenly gone. If we don't die, we have to choice but to move on but sometimes it's like wadding thru muddy water. It's a struggle. Let's keep holding each other up.

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  2. Welcome, Stephanie. I often tell myself "everything will work out as it should be". Gets me through those tough days. Might not be how I really want it to be, but I know that life is over, this one is just beginning. I, too, try to focus on how I am a better person for having known my husband. And, I , too, can still cry instantly when little things trigger memories, 4 plus years later. Those memories sustain me, and urge me onward with the thought that maybe I can find love again. Won't ever be the same, but it's something I'm learning I can't live without. Thanks for sharing your journey.

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    1. Thank you. Yes I too often tell myself the same thing - sometimes it helps, but you're right, it's a life I didn't choose and it feels like rebuilding from the ashes. I'm glad you are moving forward and somehow it helps to know some of us are on similar paths, with similar thoughts, in this healing. Thanks for sharing too.

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  3. Stephanie, Hello, or should I say Aloha? Thank you for writing. Just reading your first blog entry this morning has already helped me. My husband of 25 years passed away suddenly on May 10, 2012 from an undetected Pulmonary Embolism at age 52. We have two daughters that are now 21 & 17 years old. When he died our lives changed forever. Our daughters keep busy with school and activities and seem to be doing well and I'm getting adjusted to our new "adjusted" life. We were lucky to go to Hawaii as a family when my husband spoke at a National Conference in January 2012. As I approach the 2 year mark in 9 days, I just keeping reading these blogs and get support from others who now find themselves in a place they didn't choose.

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    1. Aloha Leslie. I am so happy to know I might have helped in some small way. I am so sorry for your loss. It is such a shock, isn't it. I'm glad you were able to travel to Hawaii together, it is a beautiful place to share some memories. I am glad for this opportunity to be here as well as I already am finding the support works both ways, so thank you, and mahalo, for sharing.

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  4. Thank you so much for sharing your story Stephanie. I talk to my husband, Ron every day. We were retired and did everything together. We were best friends. Family would say "you don't see one without the other" He would ask me to go to the barber with him "Come on Baby, I'll buy you an ice-cream cone. God I loved that man and still do. Today would have been our 22nd anniversary. Love is timeless, spaceless and endless.
    From diagnosis (9/29/2011) to his passing from cancer (10/24/2011) was very fast. I really thought he could beat it.
    Sharing and caring is what it is all about. I would not have made it this far without these blogs. Thank you again Stephanie

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    1. Hi Donna, I'm glad to hear you also talk to your husband. I am sorry for your loss. But love IS timeless as you say. What a beautiful sentiment. I'm glad to be here to share you, thank you for sharing.

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  5. Thank you, Stephanie, for being willing to put yourself out here. I am interested in anything you have to say. Your picture shows the love and happiness you knew with your husband, which I can relate to. I lost my love 9 months ago after 35 years together. Yes, it is surreal. I call it a bad carnival ride. There have been blessings as well. I look forward to reading your thoughts and experiences.

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    1. Hi Renee, thank you for your comment, I appreciate your support in my new adventure here at Widow's Voice. It is surreal, this journey of widowhood. I'm glad to hear there have been blessings too. Blessings to you.

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    2. You had me at Aloha! I was married in Hawaii and always felt a calling to live there. It was our favorite place to vacation and we ran the Kona half marathon in 2012, 6 months before Doug died suddenly. Welcome to our group. Michelle has a way about finding wonderful writers who are also widows who are willing to share with us. I look forward to more of your sharing.

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    3. Hi Linda,
      Mahalo, I'm so happy to be connected here. I am honored to be part of this wonderful community and look forward to sharing more, and supporting each other in this challenging journey of healing. I am so sorry for your loss.

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