Thursday, May 8, 2014

A Widowed Status



Today I changed my relationship status on Facebook from "married" to "widowed". I have been staring at that line on the page for many long months now. For whatever strange reason, it has given me great comfort to see it posted this way. Facebook may be a silly, meaningless network in many respects, but that status was still not something I could give up easily. In my heart, I have felt married to him still, and perhaps in a way, I will always feel married to him; he will always be with me. Giving up that label just seemed so...final. But I realize in this bizarro world of social media that maybe it had become appropriate to make this change. No matter where my life may take me now, I am in fact widowed. That is the simple, heart-breaking truth.

I'm not married anymore, and it was no choice of mine.

The day he died I took his wedding ring off his finger before the coroner took him away. It was a deeply painful moment I will never forget. I'll never forget the moment I placed it on his finger too, nearly 15 years ago. We designed our rings together and were always so proud to wear them.  In the weeks following his death, I wound his ring into a Chinese knotted necklace and wore it nonstop for months; then, eventually I stopped wearing it all the time. But I still have it within easy reach, and often wear it when I'm alone in the house, or when I go to bed at night, or if I'm having a particularly sad day. It's still a great comfort and probably always will be. I'm wearing it now, as I type this.

I know some widows wear their wedding rings for many years; others take them off much sooner. Like much of what comes along with the processing of grief, I believe there is no right or wrong, and no timetable. I wore my own wedding ring for many months after he died, but one day it felt like time to keep it somewhere else, even though my finger is still discolored from that precious gold band. Perhaps my marriage to Mike will be forever etched there. And maybe that's as it should be.

Some widows might someday find they no longer identify with that label, and I think that's ok. Sometimes I resent the stereotypes and societal expectations that are often associated with it. But I think maybe we are all changing that a little. The beautiful, diverse widowed communities I've found such as this one at Widow's Voice make that clear to me. But the other side to that is, even if some of us have made positive steps towards the new and strange future we never asked for, we may still and forever also feel widowed. And I think that's ok too. I feel it's our right, if we so choose. One thing I do feel strongly about is not allowing anyone else to dictate how I grieve, or how I carry him in my heart. Or, how I label myself, and how I feel about that label. It's just no one else's business but mine.

After thinking about all of this for so long, I decided to look up the word "status" and learned a few synonyms include prestige, stature, regard, renown, honor and esteem. That makes sense to me. And maybe in time I will change my Facebook relationship status again. I guess we'll see how that goes. But for now, I feel strongly about my widowhood. Not in any morbid or unhealthy way, but just because for me personally, no matter what else is going on in my life right now, his memory still resonates across my days, and I am honored to have been his wife.

12 comments:

  1. Stephanie, I feel your pain because it's the pain of loss I live with every day. In my heart, I will forever be Rich's wife. I wore my wedding band for four months after my husband died. I took it off when the pain of looking at it became a reminder that he was gone and I was now a widow. I took his wedding band, my wedding band, and my engagement ring to our jeweler where we designed one ring that would be made from the three. I wear our ring proudly on my left hand. Our three rings are now one ring entwined forever like our love and our souls..

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I totally know what you mean about the reminder that he is gone. But what a wonderful idea to intertwine the three. It's like the treasured memories have become something new. I am so sorry for your loss.

      Delete
  2. It's two years since I took of my wedding ring, which I wore for 28 years. The light skin ring has long disappeared, but I still get the feeling that the ring is on my finger or find my thumb caressing the spot where my ring use to be. So, while our rings are nested together in Laura's keepsake box, my mind still reminds me that a ring resided on that finger for more than half my life.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I used to fidget with the ring with my thumb and pinkie finger and find myself still doing that even though the ring isn't there. I guess our minds will still think that for a long time. I'm so sorry for your loss Paul.

      Delete
  3. Stephanie, thank you again for writing such a beautiful and meaningful post this morning. In two days it will be two years since my husband passed away suddenly from a blood clot. It also happens to be college graduation day for my oldest daughter's boyfriend, so we are all going to celebrate the graduation. I found for almost a year I couldn't say the "W" word and I too left my relationship status on FB as married. I recently just removed the relationship entry so I wouldn't have to write Widow but it doesn't say Married either. But I have a separate Facebook account where I only have a few friends and I post pictures and entries about how much I love the TV show Glee. On that account it does say Widow and about once a month I receive a friend request or message from some creepy man. I just ignore the request and block the sender. I also wore my wedding ring until the first anniversary, visited his grave with our dog, and then placed it on my ring holder. And we had to have our minister remove my husband's wedding ring and secretly give it back to me before he was buried because one daughter wanted it buried with him so "everyone will know he is married" and the other one didn't.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Leslie, thank you for your kind words and support. It means so much to hear your experience with the FB, and the ring. I guess there is always some feeling wondering whether I've done the right thing but there is no right or wrong -we just have to fumble around and do what feels right on any given day. I think what you did with the ring for your girls is beautiful.

      Delete
  4. I recently changed mine to widowed as well. Hadn't thought of it in years, and one day, it popped into my mind. I don't even think my relationship status is set to "public," so no one else would see it anyway. But it suddenly was - something to change.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Megan, I am so sorry for your loss. For whatever reason my "married" status was public - maybe because he is on Facebook (yes, still, we post to his page and share memories there) - but when I changed it it stopped showing. I think that's ok too, it's just as well - it was just something I had to do for myself.

      Delete
  5. I continued to wear my wedding band for nearly a year and a half after Dawn Marie died Stephanie. I know that I changed my Facebook status to "widowed" relatively early on for some reason, but I don't really remember doing it. I do however remember how strange it felt when I changed it to "in a relationship" with my girlfriend. I too was married for nearly 15 years, and letting go of the widower status was difficult for me for some reason. I wrote about it in fact, I think that post was titled Letting Go-Until Death Do You Part. Thank you for sharing, I love what you and the other ladies here are do! You inspire me :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Glenn - thank you for sharing that. I have been reading your posts and it's a wonderful support for this next strange chapter of our lives. When and if I'm ever ready to change my status again it will be because of the support from people like you and others here at WV. You inspire me too!

      Delete
  6. I wear my ring, but not my wedding ring. It's a batman titanium ring, black with a silver bat. I doubt I'll take it off anytime soon. I've tried taking it off a couple times, but it triggers massive anxiety, so... yeah, it stays. Ironically, I've worn it nearly 3 times as long as I wore my wedding ring. Depressing.
    Still, life goes on. I've been involved with someone for a while now. I'll never get "over" my loss, but I'm...surviving.
    If my husband had lived, we'd still be together. Now, I'm trying to go forward. I don't want to marry again, I'm better without that much commitment. I don't want to lose someone like that again. I'm more ok with being a widow now (than I was the first 2 years) , much more so than most of the people I tell, who are, I guess, afraid it's contagious? I don't feel a need to shout it from the rooftops, but I'm not looking to change my status anytime soon.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Hi Kate, I totally get it about not wanting to lose someone like that again. It's a really difficult thought. And sadly yes a lot of people react as if widowhood is a disease you can catch. Says a lot about our understanding of grief as a society. I'm so sorry for your loss and thank you for sharing here.

    ReplyDelete