Saturday, May 10, 2014

An Anchor in a Rough Sea

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Widow's Voice is a unique blog. Our writers write about widowed life as it is being lived. Which means that whenever each of our courageous authors sit down to write a post they don't have the answers to the questions they pose; they don't know how what the next twist in their own story will be, and after baring their souls with each post, they willingly risk being judged, or criticized, or misunderstood week after week after week. This team of writers give us a front row seat as they experience the ups and downs that life brings after the person with whom you planned to spend the rest of your life has died.

Sometimes the words they write resonate with lots of our readers, and other times they don't. Sometimes they receive comments validating their thoughts and feelings, other times they don't. Sometimes they have a post in their hearts that flies off their fingertips as they type, other times they struggle for each word of a post that they spend hours preparing. But, no matter how they feel, they write with the hope of making a difference. That's what keeps them going, the hope that somehow their words will find their way into another widowed person's heart...and that person will feel understood.

Case in point: Today I have the pleasure of introducing you to our new writer, Rebecca Collins. She comes to us from Brisbane, Australia, and will be taking over for Taryn on Saturdays. Rebecca first found Widow's Voice by googling "suicide widow"...which led her to Melinda's posts on WV. She couldn't believe there was someone else 'out there' going through the same kind of loss she'd experienced, and that this person was brave enough to talk about it. She says just finding Melinda's words on the web, helped her more than she could explain. Melinda gave Rebecca the courage to share her own story, in the hope that one day someone else will google "suicide widow" and find Rebecca's words which will then become an anchor for someone else being rocked by the waves of widowhood.

You see, that is the overriding goal for this blog, to be an anchor in a rough sea. We want you to know that this is a safe space to express your pain, your fears, your confusion, as well as your joys, your triumphs, and the ways in which you have risen above the tragedy you have experienced. At Soaring Spirits, we believe in community, and we love the community that is created by the sharing of this space between our writers and our readers here on Widow's Voice.

I want to thank every one of our writers (past and present) for their dedication to this blog's purpose, and to our readers. I honor your courage, your honesty, and your willingness to send your words out into the world wide web, casting a net of compassion, understanding, and ultimately, hope, for widowed men and women in 157 different countries around the world. You are my heroes!

Please join me in welcoming Rebecca to our team. We look forward to getting to know you, and your Daniel.

Rebecca met Daniel in November 2011 when he moved from Sydney, Australia, to Brisbane for work.  They quickly became one of those perfect couples - supportive, loving, always laughing and 100% squarely on each other's team.  Rebecca's favourite memories of Daniel are the way he would drive half an hour out of his way in peak-hour traffic every morning to drop her at work, and then go to bed at the same time as her every night (even though he was a self-proclaimed night owl) so they could end their day together.

They were married in June of 2012, however sadly and very unexpectedly; Rebecca lost Daniel only six weeks later, on 24 July 2013, to suicide.  He had been struggling with concentration and memory loss for around six months leading up to their wedding and was diagnosed with depression the day after their honeymoon.  Daniel was popular, successful, and had everything he could ask for, however five weeks after starting anti-depressant medication he suffered a psychotic episode and became convinced that he had dementia and didn't want to be a burden on Rebecca and their families. 

From a blissfully-happy newlywed to a widow in 45 days, Rebecca's world fell apart. However with the support of their families and friends, life-saving grief counsellors and the strength she has found in the widowed community, Rebecca choses to keep looking forward and honour her wonderful husband's memory.  Her goal is to focus not on her loss, but how lucky she is to have met Daniel and remain grateful every day for the lessons he taught her and the blessings he brought to her life.  

**Side note: Remember when you are reading Kerryl and Rebecca's posts that they live on the other side of the world...seasons are reversed, words have some different spellings, and dates are written in a different format. We love our Aussies!

15 comments:

  1. Welcome Rebecca, and thank you for the introduction Michele. I can really identify with your words. I began writing last year, and now experience much of what you describe: "Sometimes they have a post in their hearts that flies off their fingertips as they type, other times they struggle for each word of a post that they spend hours preparing. But, no matter how they feel, they write with the hope of making a difference. "

    That's me lately! I keep on doing it because sometimes the message really seems to resonate with people and gives them hope. Some days however it is a struggle. I applaud all of you ladies for having the courage to bare your souls on a weekly basis. Widowhood sucks, these last three years have been the most difficult of my life. Thanks for doing what you do :-)

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  2. Welcome Rebecca!!! I met you on this very same web-page after searching for some hope after losing my husband too. We have since met, become friends and keep in touch via the internet. Soaring Spirits made such a difference to me too and we hope that one day the widows Down Under may share in the experiences and resources that help so much. Good luck on this next step of your journey. xx

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    1. Thank you lovely Sophie. You were the first widowed friend I made and will always have a special place in my heart - I'm so glad we met. Your support means so much to me xo

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  3. Welcome! Wish I never had to say it, and you never had to hear it. Hugs!

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    1. Thank you Kate, I really appreciate you reaching out to me.

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  4. Welcome Rebecca. What a terrible tragedy, and horrible loss, I am so sorry. I guess we'd all rather not have widowhood in common but now that we do, the support here has become so important to so many. Thank you for sharing your story, and taking this journey with us. I look forward to walking beside you.

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    1. Thank you Stephanie, I have really enjoyed reading your words on Thursdays. I am sorry for your loss also and look forward to growing together through this community.

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  5. Hii rebecca, I m a 23 year old widow n I also lost my husband 11 months ago to sucide n the worst part is that I dont even knw the reason, I feel very bad at that y he did so? Everything was going great but suddenly I came to know this news which shattered me fully, I feel alone, puzzeled, hopeless u atleast have reason but ..

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    1. Hi Anonymous, thank you for reaching out. I am so sorry for your loss, what a tragedy to lose your love at 23. The questions of 'why' an be so relentless. Even though my husband left a note, I still couldn't believe it or accept it for a long time. I didn't understand why he didn't ask for help, why he didn't get tests done to see if he really did have dementia?! I thought, How could he leave me like that, six only six weeks after taking vows to be there for me in sickness and health? How did he think we'd all be 'ok' and that this wouldn't ruin many lives? I realised, after lots of therapy with counsellors trained in suicide bereavement that my husband's death didn't actually have anything to do with me, in that I didn't cause it and I couldn't have stopped it. He took his life because he was mentally ill. I have to remind myself of that every day - because it's the only answer I have. I'm sorry you feel alone and hopeless, please keep reaching out to the widowed community, we are all here together.

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  7. Thnx for ur kind words, but u know what, now no words no support helps me now I m jst lossing it.

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    1. Have you had any access to a grief counsellor - particularly one specializing in suicide bereavement? Counseling made a huge difference for me and really helped me process what had happened. I can't recommend it enough.

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  8. I want to ask u a question, is it normal or what that I always felt jealous of other girls of my age and also to one who got married n living happily? I really dont like this type of behavior of mine as I never be a jelous person and neither I want to be like that? I cant share this to anyone , if I do no one gets me, they start convencing me.i realy hate this life n sometime I hate the feeling that I love that person who leave me alone like this in this cruel world. Why me.......

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    1. I try not to put too much pressure on myself to be 'normal' anymore - because my situation certainly isn't normal!! But yes, I have definitely felt jealous of friends who still have their partners, who fall pregnant (we were hoping to start a family soon after our wedding), and who don't seem to realise how lucky they are. But I don't like feeling like that either. So when I find myself obsessing over all the things I don't have and everything I'm missing out on I try to remember it's not my friends fault that I don't have my husband here and try to think about the blessings I do have... His family is kind to me, my employer is very compassionate, I have some very close friends who I can call when I can't cope and they look after me.
      Many people in my life don't understand either, because they haven't experienced this pain, so I turn to widowed friends I've made in Facebook groups and in the Widowed Village online forum - if you're not a member yet you could check it out, it's a safe place to talk and vent and everyone understands our pain.
      Are there any things in your life that you can feel blessed about? Sometimes it can just be that a stranger smiled at me and was kind to me when I was feeling so sad and grumpy.

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  9. Well said, how can I be normal, my situation is not normal. Yes I also think in the same way that if my friends were happy its not their fault. But then I miss badly my husband n also fight with him in my prayers that y he leave me alone like this. I cut off myself frm all social accounts as I dont want face anybody I also not even go outside if I go either I felt jealous or I felt angry on my destiny or on my husband. But positive hope of my life which made me to keep strrugle through my this hard time is my baby boy. But at the same time I really cry harder for my baby's bad luck as he lost the real hero of his life.its realy a very difficult for me. I feel like I become sudenly more older.

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