Thursday, May 29, 2014

Grief is.



Most people have heard about the so-called five stages of grief - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance - modeled by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book On Death and Dying. Even then, she clarified that these are not the only emotions felt during the grieving process, nor do they always appear in this order. It is now widely recognized that grief, for any reason - as a result of a death, illness, break-up, etc - is experienced with a wide variety of emotions, depending on the personalities and situations involved.

People were quick to remind me that I shouldn't look for these particular stages of grief after Mike died. And I listened to them. I didn't require anything from myself; I allowed myself to feel what I felt. I was told that everyone grieves differently, and whatever I feel, and whenever I feel it, is ok.

I'm glad for that. But I have to admit that I did, and continue to, experience many of these so-called stages of grief. She wasn't too far off the mark, at least for me, and in fact, reading about them has helped me feel - well, more "normal" for how I've dealt with Mike's death. It's an ongoing process, and I understand it will not be over for a long time - in fact it will never be over on many levels. I will always carry the memory of my marriage to this man in my heart, and I will forever miss his presence in my life.

I will always have those moments when I give a little start at some random thought realizing he's actually dead. I might be at the sink washing dishes and I have some memory of him in the kitchen with me and I stop in shock - no way. He can't really be dead. It's impossible

I get pissed at him for dying. He could have, he should have taken better care of himself. We fought about food constantly; he didn't like western medicine and didn't like taking his meds, or even his supplements really for that matter. He lived life on his own terms, and we were denied many more years with this man we loved because of that. So yes, I am angry at him. Not all the time, but again, in random, unexpected moments, it hits me. Maybe I see someone at the store who looks shockingly unhealthy  - way more than he ever did - and I wonder, how on earth is this person still here, and my Mike isn't? It's not fair.

I do find myself bargaining with my higher power. If I live my life a certain way, will I be guaranteed a long life? Can I be reunited with him after I go? Can I be given some special benefits in this life because he was taken from me so much sooner than I expected? I question my own life so much these days as a result of his death.

I'm not a depressed person by nature, but I work very hard to keep moving forward. I make a point to keep busy, make new friends and figure out what I want for a future - because it's obvious my life is forever changed now, in so many, many ways. But I am still sad a lot of the time. Probably a lot of the people I know don't realize that. I don't really talk about it much with them - most of them, anyway - because it's depressing. And, it's not their job. That's what my grief therapist is for. And maybe a little, strange as it sounds, blogging. It's kinda therapeutic to connect with others - it's both extremely personal, and also very impersonal, posting online. So there's that.

Perhaps surprisingly, I also have a lot of moments of acceptance. As I said - I'm generally a mentally healthy person. I realize the fact of the matter is he is gone and never coming back. I have a choice to live my life and must do so without him now. More and more of my moments now are spent in this frame of mind. 

But not all. 

Nowhere near all.

I have tons of other emotions too. Frustration. Fear. Anxiety. Loneliness. Exasperation. Emptiness.

Also, surprisingly, peace. Love. Enjoyment. Empowerment. Strength.

Wisdom.

I don't have any answers here, or even a concise round-up for this post. I guess, it just is. 

Grief just is. 

He just was. 

And I just am.



15 comments:

  1. Learning to live alongside the mate you had lived with, stepping out of that box of married life is a challenge facing me every day. Now I have a life of a different path that I didn't choose, but given. Acceptance is to face each day as it comes, and everyday is different no matter how much time has passed. So many things I'll never forget, and somewhat satisfied the years we had together, but wishing there was more. Now living alone is hard, going through losing a person that was so special in my life.

    God Bless

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    1. Well put - stepping outside the box of married life we had become accustomed to, and loved. Nothing we asked for, we will always miss them. Thank you for sharing here, and bless you too.

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  2. I carry anger yet with my husband and his doc, who both ignored health issues. By the time the cancer was detected, the docs then argued what organ the cancer originated in. Didn't really matter, there was no treatment, no cure. Two months later he was gone. Four years later, I still ask "what if", still wonder why either of them didn't/couldn't figure it out sooner. Just have to let it all go, and just be.

    It is so therapeutic to connect with others going through similar life changes. Thank you so much for writing and sharing your thoughts.
    I would be way down in the grief pit w/o all of you.

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    1. I lost my Mike 30 yrs. ago when he was 42 & I was just 33, to cancer also. He died almost one year to the day of his diagnosis and everyone said I should "prepare" for his death. I always wondered just exactly how do u do that? Nobody was able to answer that question, then or now. Six years later I married one of his best friends, whose wife passed away just 3 months b4 Mike. I always felt it was destiny, or Mike sending his good friend to take away my loneliness. I lost Jay 6 months ago, after 24 yrs. of marriage. I remember some of the parts of grieving from the first time but since Jay died suddenly, it's so different now. Stephanie, every word resonated with me. Thank u for sharing. I needed to see your post today. It's been a difficult one for no particular reason.

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    2. Wow. Shameful of those doctors. I am so sorry you went through this. And yes, thank you for coming here to share too; it does make a huge difference.

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  3. I get that also and it is usually when I see someone across a restaurant or coming out of a store and for a split second I think it's him...and it's not. My heart skips a few beats and I fight to push forward but what else can one do? I too am angry at the doctor who did not warn my husband to keep a close check on his prostate issues. I think his cancer would have been caught earlier and we might still have him. I can't change any of this but I can be heartbroken about it.

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    1. I know that pang of thinking I see him walking in a store or something and then the thought comes, no, he's dead Stephanie, remember? Horrible. I'm so sorry you had to go through frustrating health issues too. It is truly tragic. Thank you so much for sharing.

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  4. Great Post Stephanie! I too felt a little less crazy by identifying with some of the "stages" of grief. I found it most helpful in the early days after B's death. I really did feel like I was loosing it and sometimes still do! But there have been some good days...thank goodness! It's still unbelievable and unbearable most of the time, but I feel strong in brief moments, which makes me hope. I am learning to accept that whether I like it or not it is what it is.

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    1. Hi Tracy, thank you, it's so comforting to hear from people with common experiences, and that there have been good days amidst the grief. I'm so sorry for your loss, and thank you for sharing here.

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  5. I'm new to this blog. I lost my husband 7 weeks ago & your post hit hard - the anger, him not taking care of himself, arguing over meals, etc. Sounds just like me and Larry.

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    1. Cindy, I am so sorry for your loss, and that you went through such similar pain. Thank you for sharing here. Blessings to you.

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  6. Great post Stephanie. Grief just is. That's about as perfect of a statement as I've ever read. I had one of those random "Holy crap my wife is really dead" moments just this morning while driving in to the office.

    Most people aren't aware that most of Ms. Kübler-Ross' research was done on the terminally ill, not on those suffering from loss. And so many people are only told what the five stages are. They are not told that the five "stages" are but a small glimpse of the wide range of emotions that one will experience in the grief process, and that they will not happen in any specific order. Calling them stages leads the uninformed to believe that they will start at denial and end at acceptance. My experience was that the ones on her list that I experienced remained fluid. I still feel anger at times today too.

    Anyway, thanks again for another great post :-)

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    1. Thank you Glenn. I might say I'm glad to read people have had similar thoughts and experiences but I'd never wish any of this on anyone. But I do appreciate the sharing and support, as do many others. Thanks again for coming by and sharing. You are appreciated.

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    2. Thank you for saying you get angry at your husband, even though those moments come unexpectedly/randomly. I have had those moments as well, and everything I read (or other widows/widowers I know) tell me that this is wrong. Well, this is MY grief, and that's how I feel, dammit! My wife insisted that I always see a doctor, but when it came to her own health, doctors were quacks.

      I'm six weeks short of being at the three-year mark. It's only lately that I feel that my head is screwed on straight again, but when grief shows up, I feel I'm getting ripped to shreds all over again.

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    3. I'm so sorry for your loss...I think these different faces of grief continue to follow us around and arise at unexpected moments. I wouldn't let anyone tell you anger is wrong - it's recognized in grief as being one of the emotions that can haunt us from time to time, and I think recognizing that can help us move forward. Thank you for sharing and hugs to you.

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