Different

In exactly one week, Friday, June 13th, it will be one month from the 3-year anniversary of my husband's sudden death. It feels different somehow to me this year, even though the actual day or month is not here yet. First of all, on the first two death anniversaries, I spent them both staying at my parent's house, with my family. We did a big dinner in his honor with all his favorite foods, and whoever could come to that came and it was nice. This year, I will be in San Diego, at Camp Widow, performing my comedic presentation for the 4th time. The day of his death just happens to fall on the Sunday that is the last day of camp. Although I'm not positive what it will be like to be there instead of with my family on that day, I'm guessing it will be a very good thing. After all, every single person there "gets it," and what better place to be if I'm going to have an epic breakdown of 54,000 emotions? And really, even though I won't technically be with my family on that day, I will be with my family. My other family. My widowed family.

Another difference in this year's upcoming anniversary is the scale of my Pay it Forward campaign. In year one of my husband's death, I decided to honor the one-year mark with a campaign I created called Pay it Forward for Don Shepherd Day. The basic idea was to get as many people as possible - strangers, family, friends, people online, whoever - to do something kind for someone else, in my husband's name. I told them all to write to me about what they did and include a picture if possible, and then I took every single act of kindness and put them on my personal blogsite. I did the same thing last year as well. Both years, I received well over 100 stories and acts of kindness. This year, my Pay it Forward campaign will be even bigger, because this year, my book about Don and about us and our love story and my grief story - will finally be completed and self-published. (in November) For me, this book is my greatest gift to Don. It will tell the world why I love him so much, why he is my hero, why loving him and then losing him was and is the thing that impacts me more than anything else ever will. This year, I will choose my favorites of all the pay it forward acts, and create a chapter in the book highlighting them. I will also roll out my Indiegogo book campaign starting next week, which will help me to raise the money needed to self-publish and promote the book. So, this year feels different. People in the widowed world often respond to the question of "Will it ever get better?, by saying: "No. Not better. But it gets different." I feel like this is the start of things getting different ...

I cant really explain why, and perhaps I shouldnt even say this out loud or type it out loud because messing with grief seems like a dangerous thing to do, but ....

It feels as if this coming year, going into the beginning of what will be the 4th year living without my husband, will be filled with a lot of newness. New perspective, new changes, new emotions, new adventures and friends and memories. Perhaps a new way of coping and feeling and grieving, too. Not to say that the way Im doing it now is wrong or incorrect; but each day that I am inside of this, I am learning something. I am learning what works and what doesn't, and I'm learning that grief is entirely unpredictable and unforgiving. So maybe Im just starting to face it with a slightly different approach, going into this new year for me.

Today I woke up with what feels like one of the worst summer colds I have ever had. Awful "head in a vice" feeling, runny nose, nonstop sneezing and coughing, achey all over, and a throat that's dry as hell and on fire. Normally, when I have felt sick in my "after" days, my very first thought, even subconsciously, has always been to be unbelievably sad and angry and bitter that my husband isn't here to take care of me and make me feel better, something that he did so well. He isnt here to run up to the store and get me soup or meds, or put a blanket over me or sing me silly songs while playing his guitar to make me laugh. Usually just the thought of his absence when Im not feeling well, sends me over the edge into anger and depression. But not today.

It still sucks that he isn't here when Im not feeling well. It will always suck. But it wasn't my very first thought, or even my second or third. Im learning , slowly, to live inside of this new world where him being here is not an option. Not only am I learning to manage it and adapt to it, but Im starting to see that wherever his love and kindness used to be - the empty spaces are being filled up from other loving people in my life. And no, they are not my husband, and it isnt the same, but it sure is nice to know and to feel that so many people really do care. Maybe it is my husband's way of paying it forward to me, by showing me that his love will always be all around me - it just shows up in different ways.

But it still sucks that I have to get up and make my own damn tea.