Friday, June 6, 2014

Different

In exactly one week, Friday, June 13th, it will be one month from the 3-year anniversary of my husband's sudden death. It feels different somehow to me this year, even though the actual day or month is not here yet. First of all, on the first two death anniversaries, I spent them both staying at my parent's house, with my family. We did a big dinner in his honor with all his favorite foods, and whoever could come to that came and it was nice. This year, I will be in San Diego, at Camp Widow, performing my comedic presentation for the 4th time. The day of his death just happens to fall on the Sunday that is the last day of camp. Although I'm not positive what it will be like to be there instead of with my family on that day, I'm guessing it will be a very good thing. After all, every single person there "gets it," and what better place to be if I'm going to have an epic breakdown of 54,000 emotions? And really, even though I won't technically be with my family on that day, I will be with my family. My other family. My widowed family.

Another difference in this year's upcoming anniversary is the scale of my Pay it Forward campaign. In year one of my husband's death, I decided to honor the one-year mark with a campaign I created called Pay it Forward for Don Shepherd Day. The basic idea was to get as many people as possible - strangers, family, friends, people online, whoever - to do something kind for someone else, in my husband's name. I told them all to write to me about what they did and include a picture if possible, and then I took every single act of kindness and put them on my personal blogsite. I did the same thing last year as well. Both years, I received well over 100 stories and acts of kindness. This year, my Pay it Forward campaign will be even bigger, because this year, my book about Don and about us and our love story and my grief story - will finally be completed and self-published. (in November) For me, this book is my greatest gift to Don. It will tell the world why I love him so much, why he is my hero, why loving him and then losing him was and is the thing that impacts me more than anything else ever will. This year, I will choose my favorites of all the pay it forward acts, and create a chapter in the book highlighting them. I will also roll out my Indiegogo book campaign starting next week, which will help me to raise the money needed to self-publish and promote the book. So, this year feels different. People in the widowed world often respond to the question of "Will it ever get better?, by saying: "No. Not better. But it gets different." I feel like this is the start of things getting different ...

I cant really explain why, and perhaps I shouldnt even say this out loud or type it out loud because messing with grief seems like a dangerous thing to do, but ....

It feels as if this coming year, going into the beginning of what will be the 4th year living without my husband, will be filled with a lot of newness. New perspective, new changes, new emotions, new adventures and friends and memories. Perhaps a new way of coping and feeling and grieving, too. Not to say that the way Im doing it now is wrong or incorrect; but each day that I am inside of this, I am learning something. I am learning what works and what doesn't, and I'm learning that grief is entirely unpredictable and unforgiving. So maybe Im just starting to face it with a slightly different approach, going into this new year for me.

Today I woke up with what feels like one of the worst summer colds I have ever had. Awful "head in a vice" feeling, runny nose, nonstop sneezing and coughing, achey all over, and a throat that's dry as hell and on fire. Normally, when I have felt sick in my "after" days, my very first thought, even subconsciously, has always been to be unbelievably sad and angry and bitter that my husband isn't here to take care of me and make me feel better, something that he did so well. He isnt here to run up to the store and get me soup or meds, or put a blanket over me or sing me silly songs while playing his guitar to make me laugh. Usually just the thought of his absence when Im not feeling well, sends me over the edge into anger and depression. But not today.

It still sucks that he isn't here when Im not feeling well. It will always suck. But it wasn't my very first thought, or even my second or third. Im learning , slowly, to live inside of this new world where him being here is not an option. Not only am I learning to manage it and adapt to it, but Im starting to see that wherever his love and kindness used to be - the empty spaces are being filled up from other loving people in my life. And no, they are not my husband, and it isnt the same, but it sure is nice to know and to feel that so many people really do care. Maybe it is my husband's way of paying it forward to me, by showing me that his love will always be all around me - it just shows up in different ways.

But it still sucks that I have to get up and make my own damn tea.

11 comments:

  1. It will be one year for me June 13th. I miss him more and more has time goes by. Thanks for writing widows voice is only thing that keeps me going. I would love to me with him.

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    1. Wishing you some peace on the 13th, I know how hard it is. Im really glad that reading the blogs helps in some way. Hang in there, and keep reaching out. It helps.

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  2. Kelley, June 21st will be the third anniversary of my husband's sudden death. Thank you for reminding me that perhaps this third anniversary won't be as devastating as the prior two. Get well soon and thank you for your awesome posts. mrsmcgoo

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    1. I truly hope that your 3rd anniversary and going into this next year is "different" than the last two have been . For me, I know it will still be horribly sad and emotional - always - but the feeling of complete hopelessness has mostly gone away, and that is something to be happy about I think. xoxo

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  3. My husband's birthday is June 10th. It will be 7 months since his death on that day. The last weeks I've been feeling like I'm slipping into a dark spiral downward. I am off work for severe knee pain and need bilateral knee replacement surgery, don't have my job as of June 18th due to so much time off and figuring out insurance and next steps (haha, crutches) in my life.
    Thought I was moving forward, now a set-back. So much we would have been talking about together.
    I have family and friends, but it's the unnatural quiet day in and out, that throws me so often. My little dog knows my voice.

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    1. Ah that all sounds so hard, and I remember a time like that in my own life about a year ago, where I felt like "I thought I was moving forward, why does all this crap keep happening to push me down?" I had to move out of our apt, and then only 6 months after finding a roommate and new place to live, he kicked me out and I had nowhere to go and had to find something FAST. I felt soooo awful and kicked and depressed and it was suich a tough time, but I did get through it and you will too. And you ARE moving forward - its just that the set backs make it seem like you are stalled . Youre doing great, and best of luck to you on the surgery. I know what you mean about the quiet nights and days ... Im the same way. I talk to my kitties all the time lol. I really am becoming the crazy cat lady ........

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  4. I love the Pay it Forward campaign -what a wonder way to celebrate his legacy. And the idea that those empty spaces are filled with other love, and seeing it as him paying it forward to you, is an incredibly beautiful thought I will carry with me. Thank you Kelley. Wish I could be at Camp Widow this year. I will set it as a goal for next year for sure, but please know I will be there in spirit with you and everyone, and treasure being part of this wonderful community.

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    1. THank you Stephanie. I actually meant to include a link to some of last years Pay it Forward stories so you all could get an idea of how incredible it was. Here it is for anyone who would like to read it: http://www.ripthelifeiknew.com/2013/07/21/100-acts-kindness/
      Hope to see you at Camp next year, Stephanie!

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    2. Hmmm its not showing up as a link. You may have to go directly to my site www.ripthelifeiknew.com and then on the right go to archives and look under the month of July and its there.

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  5. dear Kelley,

    first, I am so sorry you feel so lousy, and I hope you get over that nasty cold FAST! thank you so much for sharing the glimmers of hopefulness - learning to carve out a live with meaning and purpose while still living along side the grief you feel for the loss of your Beloved, Don. I loved that you've been thinking that it's more than possible all the new feelings and people now coming into your life is Don's way of paying it forward to you! I think my sweet Hugh is doing some of that for me, too, and it's a lovely feeling. sometimes I picture him right next to me - when I have a happy day - and he is high-fiving and saying you go girl! I try to think of every baby step taken toward the new life I sometimes can envision for myself as a victory of happiness for both me, and for him. I love your writing and the thoughts you so candidly and eloquently convey. I wish you great fulfillment and wonderful support and joy and comfort with your performance at Camp Widow .

    much love,

    karenXOXO

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    1. Thank you Karen! Yes, every happiness is both for me AND for him. I like that. We are still a team, its just "different" now.

      Thank you about the cold. I actually feel worse today lol. Worst sore throat and cough Ive ever had, UGH!!! Taking the opportunity to catch up on lots of DVRed tv shows I guess lol ... thanks for your kind words. xo...

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