"It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good"
Don't we ALL wish it was that simple??
Since coming home from my trip to Hawaii a few weeks ago, things have been rough. I wrote a post here trying to glean some of the positives from everything as of late - but really what I think I need to talk about is how freaking scary even the good new things can be. I went on that trip just to go visit a friend and see a new place… I never imagined that the girl I was when I left would not be the same girl I was when I returned. But that is what has happened. Since coming home, it is as if I landed back in my reality and realized in a very real way that I am a different person. And part of me is SO NOT okay with that.
Logically yes, I am a different person than I was when my fiancé was alive. The day he died I became a different person… and every day since. But I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about the moment you look back and realize that you are REALLY a new person. When you actually see that you have new hobbies and new friends and a new career and life direction and BAM - it hits you suddenly. And the scary and heart wrenching part of that realization is the feeling that maybe, just maybe, if he and I were to meet now, or in a few more years from now, that we might not actually be the best match for each other. I don't even know how to entertain that thought in my brain… the same brain that knows this man to be the only one I ever wanted to spend my life with.
And I cannot even express to you HOW difficult it is to even TYPE those words publicly. My throat is tensing up with anxiety just to acknowledge this outwardly. Because he was and is my best friend… and I cannot tell you what a betrayal it feels like to say that. But there it is. This feeling that has been eating at me without my really being able to understand what was going on until today. His death has changed me. And in that, I have become this new person with new interests and new needs. I'm making new friends who never knew him - and for the first time in two years this doesn't feel so horrible. I'm going on trips for myself, and putting my all into my photography and building a business of my own as an artist and writer. I'm at the gym five days a week now (which is unheard of for me) and in the best shape of my life. My entire life is different from what it was when he was alive… and just after hitting the two-year mark it's as if I am realizing it somehow for the first time. And it almost comes as a shock, as if it snuck up on me. I really liked who I was when I was with him… but the person that he has helped create me to be since he died is someone I love SO much more deeply and fiercely. Because I've had to fight so hard for her.
It's all just so confusing. Because he is the reason for it all - he changed the entire course of my life in big ways. And so he is still so completely involved and a part of everything in that way. Yet that also means that his role in my life is different now. When we set out on this part of our journey, we began different paths, side by side, but not together as we were. Still I love him. Still I am in love with him. Still he is my best friend. And I still cry all the time because of how much I miss him. But somehow, in a way I cannot quite put into words, his role is different. New. Just as I am new and my role for him I suppose is different now too. And I don't really know how to fit all of this together. I've spent the past two years in hibernation, growing, changing, but not really making a lot of forward movement. But as that changes, as I do begin to lean into a new life, how does it all fit together? My answer right now is that I don't really know. I don't know what to do with all of it. I mean really, what DO you do with that? Other than share it with others - so you feel less crazy - so you feel more safe and okay with the fact that it's scary for you. That's all I know to do with it, so that's what I'm doing here. Thanks for listening.
It's so sad that we continue to grow, change and live when our loved one does not. For such a long time I wanted time to stop at the 2 week point, 1 month, 4 month etc because I was moving farther away from his life. I was in so much emotional, physical and psychological pain, but still wanted time to stand still. I felt that same sense as I read your heartache about your change and growth. I read something, somewhere, that we can take the end of our loved ones life as a type of gift for growth, to appreciate his/her death in our lives as a seed. I remember that frequently, but as of yet, at 2 yrs 9 months, haven't been able to water that seed. It's planted though! Thank you so much for sharing your inner most thoughts, feelings, doubts and grief with me/us. I listen to you with an open heart, respect for your process and gratitude.
ReplyDeleteThank you Jan for this beautiful comment. It wasn't an easy post to share. I really love the seed idea you shared - thats great! I feel like its a gentle way to allow it… by letting it be planted and then maybe waiting even quite a while before starting to water it. No rush. We water when we are ready. =) Thanks for that!
DeleteWe need to have a phone conversation about this one. This is waaay too deep for me to try and type out here lol.
ReplyDeleteYou put in words what I have been thinking about. ......now I will have to read and reread again and again to proceed this....wow!
ReplyDeleteOh goodness Linda - i know that feeling! I keep reprocessing all of this new part of it lately, i'm exhausted! So glad it resonated with you.
Deletedear Sarah,
ReplyDeleteI am so glad you found the strength to try to put into words the thoughts and feelings of what the title of this post is - fitting two worlds together. I think you did an excellent job, I think your expression of it all is raw, authentic candor and will resonate with others so that maybe some of the scary parts will not be so scary. grieving deeply, being broken and lost and in despair is a horrible place to be. and yet persons much wiser and experienced have said that only when we are in the blackest of darkness, alone and broken, is when we are allowed to appreciate even the most meager of light that manages to penetrate through the chinks of what first was a void of black nothingness. perhaps that light is hope, and perhaps if we grab onto hope, even though we often lose hold of it, we feel the gift of it, and we continue to try with all our might to once again grasp onto it. what you ponder is so profound...the what if of it all, and how scary that shift you are experiencing feels like things don't mesh the way they used to. maybe, just maybe it is the way it is meant to be...that the person you were and are no longer is because you saw that light of hope and it gifted you with the energy and desire to do something meaningful with it. but it in no way diminishes the love you and your fiance' shared and how much you still love him. it's just possible to think that the big love you continued to feel fueled your spirit to raise you up and was a gift he was able to give you. I feel while reading your words, the way I envision what it will be like when I am able to feel empowered to live meaningfully - scared my Beloved and I will not be as close, that his presence won't be as palpable, scared the bond won't be as strong. I forget that bonds are not chains, they are fluid, and they change as we need them to, they are strong and able to adapt - as they will be for you and your fiance'. when I said goodbye to my husband after he died, I whispered to him, "just fly away, my darling, fly away and be free." now sometimes, I can hear him whisper those same words to me...that I might slip the chains of what happened to me when I became a widow, and fly away from what I am not, to whom I am meant to be. two different worlds...with no separation, because love doesn't ever die, love abides and is there always, for what we need it to be. we can never out-guess the Fates as to what our lives would have looked like in the future, and who we might become down the road. we only have the here and now to deal with as best we are able, and only us and our person the way we were to guide us.
maybe I should have taken heed from Kelley and deemed this post just too darn deep - but I have had these same thoughts before, and felt the need to explore them, not sure I have or ever will have gained solid ground - but I keep trying. thanks so much for pouring out your heart and sharing what is so confusing - and scary, for sure.
much love,
Karen xoxo
Wow Karen, Thank you so much for this reply - your words move me so so deeply. What you said about hearing him now whisper back to you "just fly away and be free" I can so relate to. Not only because my fiancé was a pilot and flying was his passion, but also because it truly feels at times as though his death set me free and set me on a path to becoming more fully me. Bittersweet always, isn't it? But beautiful nonetheless. Thank you deeply.
Deleteoh, Sarah, thank you, thank you for your kind response to my comment, for taking the time to let me know how you felt about it. bittersweet, indeed - and beautiful, too. xox, karen
DeleteHi Sarah,
ReplyDeleteThanks for the brave post. I am 10 months away from the horrible day of my life and haven't reached where you are yet, but I think I know what you mean. I can feel the strong changes within myself and often wonder what my husband would think of me if we met now. Some days I feel bad about becoming this new person but then I tell myself that change is inevitable. We would have changed even if we grew old together. Now, he has to just come with me wherever I am going in life, and change with me. I don't know if I am making much sense (as others said above...this topic is too deep!), but your post definitely made sense to me. Hugs.
Thank you so much Asha - yes, it certainly made sense! I can so relate to what you said. I love when you said "he has to just come with me wherever I am going in life, and change with me" love that! Thank you again =)
DeleteThank you for sharing this. It's so much of what I've been thinking about myself lately. And it does make me feel slightly less crazy that I'm not alone in this. But it still all feels really, really surreal.
ReplyDeleteSurreal is SOOO the word for it. Oh my gosh, yes. I barely know how to make sense of things lately! I guess we'll get there. As my fiancé used to tell me… "how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time" ;)
DeleteSarah - your last 2 paragraphs spoke volumes to me. You put into words what I have not been able too.. Thank you so much!!
ReplyDeleteYou are so very welcome Becky - i'm glad it helped! Thank you for commenting, it helped me too!
DeleteHello, just read everyone's posts. All so true.. Heartfelt.. The changes we r forced into, didn't see it coming..but it's here.... Changes lots of changes..
ReplyDeleteThank you friend. xoxo
DeleteI lost my husband just a little over two years ago, after being married for 26 years. He drowned in a boating accident. This is exactly how I feel. I completely understood your hesitancy to speak these words. I feel the same way, as if it would be disrespectful or demeaning to him ,but in reality , it is not. Thank you for your vulnerability .
ReplyDeleteits odd how we fear looking disrespectful and then once its out loud, its actually okay. How easy it is to build it up in our minds. I'm glad it helped you, and your comment helped me feel validated too. So thank you!
DeleteThank you for this post, Sarah. I'm coming up on the 1 year mark and as much as I wanted to spend the rest of my life with my husband and best friend, there are aspects of my new life that I love very much and that I'm flourishing in, in ways that wouldn't have been possible before. The sadness and pain co-exist with the knowledge that I'm right where I'm supposed to be, and he's still with me....just in a different role. A brave post....and I love your artwork!
ReplyDeleteI so know that feeling! It is beautifully surreal when we can begin to see how their death was the catalyst for other good things in our lives. Sending you love for the one year mark, i know it'll be a rough time. xoxo!
DeleteHi sarah
DeleteThanx for sharing this,I can't stop reading these and stop crying..ur so brave and im so happy for u.I lost my fiancé in a car accident 3 months ago...4 months before our wedding day..before I get a chance to say goodbye..I hope I can be like you I haop I can survive and go through this pain :(( im so proud of you