Do not be fooled
by the lightness you see in me -
The cool easy smile
across my face.
I would like to kill this silence to death.
This silence in me
where once stood the man of my soul.
A silence louder than all the rest.
Do not be fooled
for a moment -
For where you see
my eyes shine with being
You see a moment in time
that I am fighting for.
A silence
I have agonized to accept in me
A painful release
I have fought to give myself.
No longer does joy exist
without the battle.
Beautiful, Sarah! Captures exactly how I feel. I know that eventually, the battle won't be so difficult but at just six days away from the second anniversary of my husband's death, I'm battling hard for that joy. I did have a dream where he was playfully teasing me just like he did when he was alive and that helped me find joy.
ReplyDeleteBattle on, everyone!
--Marissa
Thank you of your comment Marissa, it helps me so much when others reply and I know I'm not alone in this stuff too. So grateful for this group of people. Battle on!
DeleteSarah, you described my reality perfectly. Yesterday, June 21st, was the third anniversary of my husband's sudden death. Your poem is the perfect response to all those who greet us with "oh, you look so good!" Our smiles hide the emptiness, the aching for our beloved's touch. The reality that my husband will never kiss me again, hold me again, make love to me again, smile at me again is too painful to even contemplate for more than five seconds. For those who want to ignore and minimize my pain, no, I'm not doing good, And, yes, life has become a battle to find some joy while living without the love of my life.
ReplyDeleteSending you lots of love and support - i just passed the 2nd anniversary myself and this past two weeks have been rough. I feel all over the place, highs and lows, and like no one on the outside seems to have a clue about any of it. Keep battling on my friend, we'll make it.
DeleteSarah, thank you for your kind response. Yes, I will keep battling on for I have no choice. As I said, my husband died suddenly on June 21, 2011, and next comes our anniversary on July 1st and his birthday on August 14th. Dates mean so much more to me now. I look at dates and think, oh, that was before he died; that was after he died. Everything in my life is before or after my husband died.
DeleteThis was awesome. All you girls feel the loss just like I do. I'm over 5 years now. I don't think I'll ever let go, I'm still so passionately in love with him. Just empty.
DeleteYes, the battle we all fight. The one that those outside of this "group " just can't fathom. Ignorance is bliss.
ReplyDeleteVery well expressed, thank you.
~Sabrina
Thank you so much Sabrina
DeleteThe first anniversary of my darling husband's sudden and unexpected death is today. I made it here, and your battle description is right on target. I will continue to soldier on an fight the good fight to rebuild and remember and live fully. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteJust read yr post.. I can only say to u Hang in there..1 st anniversaries r tuff..,bdays, holidays r just as tuff..I found I had to get back to prayer.. I couldn't for about 2 yrs..mad with God.., but knew in the end it's just him an me.. No where else to go..no one on this earth could help me..at the moment my husband took his last breath , them fighting to save him, I felt like no one in this world had ever felt that kind pain.. That frozen moment u stand just frozen hoping it's a nightmare an u will wake up, just a bad bad dream. Oh , but no it's real..God does gv u strength not to die right there..in his word he says I have plans for u.. Only he knows. He knew that day would be his last, I didn't..you will have a different life.. Me too..I try to remember all the good we had.., because one day I was sitting , thinking, and it hit me.. If God had said to me the day I married him, u can hv him 34 yrs, but then I hv to take him back? Do u still want to marry this man??...so I thought, well yes because 3/4 my life I spent w this one man that loved me.. We had child together, that produced my beautiful grandchildren..so the answer was yes I would do all over .. The Love... Knowing he is now in heaven on the other side waiting on me..reflections of our lives..
DeleteAgreed, Sarah & Marissa, battle on!
ReplyDelete- Snowygirl
Thank you Snowy <3
DeleteHello, just read current posts.. I too feel the pain of loss of all that I had and once knew... I n my heart knw I will never hv that agin.. We were young together and grew old together.. Just the hand I got dealt..widowed at 51.. Now what? Spent my life 34 yrs w one man.. It's Ben hard..but I'm still breathing..I have to trust God now, it's my only option.. He knew what was Gona happen that horrible day.. I did not..I knw my husband is in heaven waiting on me. We often talked of it.. If one went the other would wait..
ReplyDeleteSimply put, beautifully said and oh so accurate in every way. Each day is indeed a battle, and nights follow the day with the same. It seems as if, the minute a smile is on your face, people breathe a sigh of relief because you're better. You're okay now. And it means that NOT at all. Each one is hard fought and won.
ReplyDeleteYeah, definitely liking this one~
Hello, to add to my post, many would ask my family well how is she doing? Oh she will move on, she will find someone..she should be Getn better by now? Half of me died that day..I hv my 50 percent to finish my journey with..the reason I say journey.. Is because , it was abt 2 yrs after, I had Ben praying, and I heard u will finish this journey alone..ok? There is that stil small voice the Holy Spirit.. I kept sayn what an where do I go fr here? Than I realized.. I believe n God an Jesus w all my being, I could either accept that it was the comforter sent, or the meds I was on.. I choose to believe God..Because I had a Devine encounter the nite of his passing..so I believe I'm on my own from here on out.. I'm ok w that..no man could replace my dear husband..don't misunderstand , he was not w/ out faults, an we had our problems, but what we did have was true love, we worked thru all the junk.. Junk..everyday in the beginning for abt 4 yrs was a true battle..since his passing I've had grandchildren..2. They saved my Life..God knew what I needed..but when they were born I was still very bad..a mess. Crying, all time even w meds..when the first was born she looked like my husband..stil does.i cried more in silence..I came to realize I didn't want my grandchildren to think they had a crazy grandma...I wanted them to knw me normal..what is normal now??? Is there a new norm?? God took him, and gave me 2..I knw I have to do my job as a loving grandma, because they r reason I can go on, they r my reason, otherwise I would find it harder to go on..I knw my husband since we were 14.he was all I had known..
DeleteHello, the poem, the silence part.. Wow!.. When u live alone, it's very real..and on one post one widow had mentioned her half of bed.. That's me too.. I'm still on my side.. I did have to take his clock away, because every morning I heard him shut off.Oh do I miss himmmm..
DeleteThank you '74 for sharing so openly. It's beautiful to hear you have such faith and belief - it can really be a healing force. Sending you so much love and support my friend.
DeleteBoy are you right Melissa - its the hardest part for me sometimes! Especially because I AM very good at being positive… i often feel like no one else has any clue what lives under our skin. Thank you for sharing!
DeleteHello, I would just like to say I wish each one of you widows and widowers, Peace within your hearts., however an whatever it takes to acquire that..it's different for each one of us, a different walk...for me today being this yr is half over means another 6 mos. Has went by..God please help ease our pain..
ReplyDelete