Friday, August 1, 2014

Boomerang

I feel honored to be a part of this special writer's club that gets to speak and type my voice on this blog.
I really do.
I am one of seven voices, and that feels really nice, that people would even be interested in hearing or reading what I have to say.

But sometimes,
Sometimes I feel as if I am typing into a great big void of nothingness.
Sometimes I put my heart and soul into this blog, and then I notice that nobody has commented.
Or maybe three days go by and only one or two comments, after I painstakingly spent hours trying to formulate how to use my words, and what to say in just the way it needs to be said.
In my mind, which is constantly in panic mode and on fast-forward, this lack of comments means that nobody cares at all what I write or say. It means that I am talking to a wall, which I do a lot of anyway. I just don't type it out. It means that I start doubting myself and questioning myself and my validity. Who the hell do I think I am anyway? Why am I writing about this stuff - as if Im some authority on grief emotions or being a widow? Why would anybody stop to read my silly words? 

It's a dangerous cycle, and it all starts and ends inside my own brain.
I am a writer.
I am a comedian.
Us creative types, we tend to get our feelings hurt very easily. We tend to assume things. We tend to care way too much about what other people think of us. We tend to have a tough exterior, but often feel like we are cracking open on the inside. All of these traits are brought forth and multiplied by ten thousand, when you lose your life partner to death. No longer do I have that person who loved every single thing I wrote, acted in, or performed onstage. No longer do I have my biggest fan, waiting for me with flowers and a card and lots of long warm hugs. No longer do I have that person who would sit and ead every article, blog post, or review I ever wrote - and then quote me back to me, reciting out loud to me all his favorite parts of what I had just written. No longer do I have my boomerang. Now? I put something out there, I'm taking the very big chance that nothing comes back.

It hurts.
Hurts my ego. Hurts my soul. Makes me doubt.
But that is all on me. These are my own issues. I realize this.
I'm working on it. I really am.
I'm working on being really, totally, really, actually okay with just knowing that what I wrote was good and truthful, and if nobody responds, that is okay.
I'm working on it.
But I don't feel it  yet.
Not yet.
I still miss my boomerang.


35 comments:

  1. I get this. I, too, miss the one who cared the most and would reflect back to me how I did at something. There are many times I do not leave a comment because I feel like it wouldn't matter. Thanks for the reminder!

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    1. It matters. It always matters. Thank you for reading xoxoxo

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  2. HI Kelley Lynn, I am sure that you will always miss your boomerang. However, I want you to know that I look forward to your blog every single week. The one week that you didn't post anything, I was really disappointed. One of the first things that I do every morning is go online and read the daily post. I have always related to what you have to say. Even though I may not comment, I still very much need to hear what you have to say. I am sure that I am not the only one. There are lots of us out there.

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    1. THank you Ruthie. That is really nice to know. I would have no way of knowing that unless you told me, which you just did. Often times, writing feels a lot like talking to a wall. So I thank you for letting me know that people can hear me. <3

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  3. Your words often hit home for me, and I'm sure they do for many others who read but don't comment. Thank you for sharing your words and thoughts here.

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  4. Kelley, ask your site admin to see your viewing stats. That's a much more reliable measure than comments. Comments tend to be largest on posts you don't expect to generate any and non-existent or very few on the posts you expect comments on.

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  5. Hi. I have only posted once but I read all the wonderful heartfelt stories that you and the other writers share with us. I may not always comment (sometimes out of fear of not knowing what to say or not having the words to express myself adequately) but this blog and your writing unites each and every of us who come here daily and try to make sense of this journey we are on. - Young widower with young daughter, 13 months on the journey and still struggling. R.

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  6. As a painter I could talk a little about putting ones self out there, and after something has hung for so long wonder whats wrong with it. I miss my Dear's eye. Was good to get that "editing" from him.

    Perhaps I am like the person who walks by, sees a painting, says wow, but for whatever reason, doesn't take it home. When a piece sells, gratitude holds sway.

    With morning tea or coffee, I check in here quite a bit, don't comment but read. I read because it is still good to know how others are faring on this journey. I read in between wondering where a painting is going and the regular chores. Sometimes I read like prayer, for the comfort and insight it gives.

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    1. Hello, couldn't help but notice yr comment about editing eye .. I too was married to one.. But his forte was his literacy.. I used to joke w him about being married to dictionary's grandson.. Lol.. I would say we never need dictionary as long as I have you.. Standing joke for 34 yrs w us.. When I packed that dictionary away, well it was hard day..

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  7. Kelley, you are awesome and your blog posts are equally as awesome. Your writing speaks to me and echoes my pain. My husband, like yours, died suddenly and there were no goodbyes, no last "I Love You," no last kiss. I am in the same dark place as you and have been since June 2011. Always know, that we love you and love your writing. mrsmcgoo on WV

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  8. Write for the sake of writing, for letting others know they are not in this alone.
    Don't write for the comments. It belittles your writing.

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    1. Thats not really what I was saying, but thank you anyway. I dont write for the comments. I love to write. Ive always been a writer. Im saying that when you lose the ONE person who always gave you feedback with everything you put out there, its risky and often hard to put things out there with the knowledge that nothing may come back except silence.

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  9. Still reading after 4+ years. Not commenting all the time as I am still so overwhelmed with lifes challenges. I feel I should be moving on , and yet I'm not, and trying to tell myself that's ok, I am where I am. As anon above says, "write for the sake of writing", write for you. Your words do make a difference, we are out here reading them.

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  10. I'm not a widow and so I don't always feel "qualified" to comment. Know that I feel your ups and downs and I'm cheering from the sidelines. All of you rock!

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    1. I think its awesome when the nonwidowed read this blog, so thank you, smileygirl. And you are certainly qualified to comment - we all are. Thanks for reading xoxo

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  11. I'm not creative, but I completely understand. My husband died suddenly 4 months ago & one of the MANY things I miss is having him to say,"I know, babe." You're being heard, and though we may not comment, we're saying, "I know."

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  12. Kelley
    I think we don't comment because we feel we are inadequate at expressing ourselves compared to you. I'm a writer too and I've lost my best critic (not in a bad way). Pete admired my work but always managed to improve it. I'm lost without him two years later. I will never be whole again.

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    1. I totally understand that and feel very similar xoxo

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  13. Always wanting to comment more, I feel unqualified. We've met at Camp and my loss is only 18 months, so sometimes I feel that my comments are still from 'the fog'. I love all of your words, advice and I look forward to all of the posts to help me as I try moving forward. someday I will look into those online sites we spoke about in San Diego. I love that this is week represents another of the stages we go through. Moment to moment (at least for me) can mean a smile, a feeling of heartbreak, or ambition, or confusion, or direction. All of our writings and journaling can't all be about progress. I think we are all allowed have days where we still drop, because this all still just sucks, and we are after all...human. Much love
    Janet

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    1. janet your feelings and thoughts are valid WHEREVER you are in this tsunami, as I call it. (I refuse to call it a journey) , like you said, that is what makes this site so great. everyone writing on it and reading it is at a different place in their grief, so you get all kinds of different viewpoints. I hope you will continue to comment whenever you feel the urge, even from your fog.

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  14. Kelley, you and I spoke about this at Camp Widow. First I told you that one of the MAIN REASONS that I came to Camp Widow West was because I wanted to see you and tell you thanks in person for the fact that your writing helped me get through long lonely nights in the early days of my painful grief journey. After that I also remarked to you that I was surprised at how few comments each of these brilliantly written posts receive. Another blog called "Widows Speak Up" always receives multiple comments for every post, I have been wondering why. I have some thoughts, but they are just MY thoughts so take them with a grain of salt, as who knows if I speak for anybody besides me! I can say that personally have let some blog posts go without comments and I have also written a comment or two here and there.

    I think:
    1) This series of blog posts "feels" professional. Like professional writers are writing this. You are all THAT good. Maybe we think we are inadequate in comparison and wouldn't know what to say other than: "YES" (which I know you would all appreciate very much....even something that simple).

    (I have to continue in another comment).....TO BE CONTINUED!

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  15. 2) Maybe it is because this blog only accepts comments of 4096 characters or less, so when we take the time to write a comment it rejects it and then we don't take the time to REWRITE it (like I just had to do here in multiple comments!)

    CONTINUED from previous comment....
    3) This blog seems more like POSTS rather than a conversation. Sometimes we DO post a comment and it goes seemingly "unnoticed". Then we feel like, "oh well, they don't even read the comments that we posted. Now I feel silly for commenting." While there is NO WAY you writers could respond to EVERY comment (you DO have a life!), maybe some people comment once and then don't comment again, because no one (other readers or the writer) acknowledges the comment.
    In the blog Widows Speak Up, the writer doesn't often respond to the commenter, but other readers respond back and forth. It is more of a community "conversation", which is why it always has lots of comments.

    4) You seven writers usually hit the nail on the head! Once someone posts the following in response as a comment: "Wow! That is exactly how I was feeling! How did you know?", then it feels silly to say the same thing in another comment. DITTO! Maybe we should just do it anyway.

    5) Maybe we are afraid that you seven writers might think we are "grief groupies" or stalkers and we don't want to comment on EVERY post because then you will think WE don't have a life! LOL!

    6) Maybe we are just rude and forget that you put yourself out there so wholeheartedly and "nakedly" and that you might need some encouragement to keep giving us our life line! You need a life line too!

    7) Maybe we are not as brave as you are and are afraid that the "public" nature of the blog might get us in trouble with work, friends, family. Maybe we are not willing to be risk-takers and have our names, thoughts, or feelings "out there". At the same time, I deeply admire and appreciate the seven of you writers who do take that risk!

    8) Maybe it is too hard to read the weird "captchas" that prove that we are not a robot, so we comment then the comments never get posted because our eye sight is not as good as it once was and those numbers are TINY! LOL!

    I have commented on a few posts when they really REACH out to me, but I promise to comment more often now. Not because you asked me to, as I know that was not the point of your post. I will comment more frequently because I want Widow's Voice to go on and on and on and on.....forever. It needs to be here for rookie and veteran widows. It needs to be here to help all of us get through those long lonely nights when we need it.

    I loved your post and it is truly what I miss most about him being gone. I used to be my husband's boomerang critic for his stand-up routines. He would read them all to me over and over. I would help him revise a word here or a phrase there. I would help him with presentation and pauses. I knew his routines so well. Recently I branched our of my comfort zone and did a little comedy "routine" of my own in his memory/honor. Everyone who knew him well "heard him" and wondered how I "captured" him so well. It was because of all those years of being his boomerang. He was also my boomerang in so many ways; particularly regarding family issues and work. I miss my boomerang too.

    Love your writing, Kelley. Love the other six writers too. Love Widow's Voice. Keep writing. Keep knowing that we are out there. Those of us who don't comment very often promise to comment more. Not because we want to stroke your egos, but because we want to make sure that this valuable grief journey puzzle piece continues to help all of us survive.....no I mean THRIVE!

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  16. dammit i just responded to you and it was long, and i hit send and the whole thing disappeared. awesome

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  17. let me try this again. so annoying. thank you for taking the time to write up that epic comment carolyn lol. amazing. you make a lot of great points that i never even thought about before. I didnt know they limited the words in comments here, and i see how this site feels less like a convo than other blog sites might. one thing ive noticed is soaring spirits posts all of our blogs to their facebook pge each day, and that is where you generally see lots of comments happening and more of a back and forth conversation between posters. I think when we talked at camp, I even said how shocked I was at how many people were coming up to me saying they read this, and how much I appreciate it, because I really had no idea. as i said above, writing is very lonely. it often feels like you are speaking to an echo. I love when people comment and i will certainly try more to reply to more of them in the future. thank you everyone. you all rock.

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  18. Kelley, I so, so, so get this. I have the same feelings after publishing a post and getting no or few comments - but I've been blogging for a long time and this seems to be par for the course. The people who make the most comments are other bloggers, because we really get how important the response and feedback is. I even put a little box on my sidebar that says comments are appreciated and I still don't get very many!! Sigh. I do also notice the Facebook link posted at the Soaring Spirits page does get the "likes" and comments we look for, and that is good. And as one commenter noted above, maybe knowing our site stats might be a nice support. And I have had the same sad thoughts, that Mike isn't around to encourage me anymore either. He was my biggest fan too, and sometime without him around I feel like I'm just typing into a void, as if he was the only one who really mattered for so long. And on top of it all, we're all writing about such a sensitive, delicate, fragile and difficult state of being: widowhood. It is hard some days feeling like I'm baring my soul, opening myself to being scorned, or judged. So Kelley, I stand with you and support you. I'm also going to make an effort to comment more myself. At the very least, we should all be here for each other. That's what this blog is all about after all. Hugs.

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    1. YESSSSSSSS Stephanie!!!!! 1000% yes!!!

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  19. Kelley, every week I go directly to your post because it is the one that truly moves me the most. You are all awesome and I will comment more from now on!

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    1. Awww thank you for that. So nice to hear.

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  20. dear Kelley,

    I wrote a comment, noted the message it would appear after approval, then it disappeared. I am sorry - I don't know what I did wrong. please know I am here for you, reading every post. the combination of not having your Don to be your number one cheerleader along with feeling a bit bewildered when comments are not forthcoming - it must feel like a very big echo of silence. and that SUCKS!!! even though my comment went "Poof", I am so happy you got so many other messages of support from people who love your writing, and care so deeply for you.

    love,

    Karen

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    1. Thank you Karen. Im sorry your comment went POOF lol.

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  21. We read it ... we just don't think our comments matter. I don't have any profound thoughts but I always recognize the real emotions behind the posts on this blog and really enjoy coming here to read them. Sometimes due to schedule, I don't get here for a week or so, so I have to go back and read "old" posts, but please believe it, it is well worth your time and effort to put yourself out there and share your thoughts and experiences with us. You are more eloquent and make much more sense about these things than I ever could do.
    Thanks for writing every week and sharing with us.
    Renee

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  22. Thanks Renee. And , by the way, YOU MATTER!!!!!!!!!! :)

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