Busy

Source 
One of the Australian arid zone landscapes, an environment Ian loved. 

Well, not actually.

And I'm going bonkers.

I've always been a reasonably mentally busy person, and coped with Ian's death by keeping up the pace until I was pretty much forced to stop (and then I didn't pull everything back).

But as a student and not working, it's an annoying time of the year for me. Always has been.  The Christmas/New Year's craziness is over, the school year has started.  But I still have a whole month to wait until my classes start up for the year. 

I've got a couple of projects ticking along - planning events for April and May - but it's not quite enough.  That's the sort of stuff I do with uni/work on at the same time.

A bit like the arid zone.  Bits and pieces of life and activity (at least to my eyes - scientists would disagree), but I'm waiting to reach the lusher parts of the year.

As a result, I'm in a bit of a 'meh' mood.  Wanting to get engaged with something, but not really in the mood for putting in the effort for getting engaged with something.

I could read, but nothing's really jumping out at me.

I could get a bunch of work done in my garden; the summer has been mild and it's about perfect to be out there.   But there's something out I'm allergic to and my meds aren't holding allergy symptoms at bay. 

I don't think it's a outright grief thing, but is in a lot of ways connected to Ian not being here.

What I guess it is, is a degree of boredom. 

I've become accustomed to Ian not being here - don't like it, but closing in on three years since he went into hospital, I can live with it now. The restrictions I have to do the things I used and would like to because of either John's ability to cope or child care availability.  Of not having the Monday to Friday work routine (although I'm looking forward to getting back into that one!).

I never did 'bored' well as a kid.  Maybe slowing down and learning to sit with it is what I'm supposed to do at this time.

Because in a year, school and work routines will kick in and I'll have less flexibility, and opportunity to actually be bored.  And "I could" makes way for a lot more "I have to".