Thursday, February 19, 2015
Part of me cannot believe it has really been two years since you left us. The other part of me looks back at all the changes in my life since then…and knows. Yes. Two years. It is real.
For a long time I could not bear to think about life without you. I cried more than I ever thought I could. I staggered and stumbled through a dark, horrible place, struggling even to do the most basic of tasks. Keeping the bills paid and food in my own stomach was torture. Grocery shopping without you to cook for was awful. Looking at the dying garden without you to grow for was miserable. Seeing the sad faces of our dogs, who probably still expect you could walk in the door at any time, was heart-wrenching. Seeing your archery target wilt away in the rain…and that path you wore in the grass walking back and forth to get your arrows, grow back…it broke my heart.
Your exit tore a hole in our hearts. So many of us down here miss you every single day and we will for the rest of our lives. We still talk about you all the time..remembering your quirky ways, the power you embodied, the spirit that captivated us all. All the stories. We miss you telling them…but, we try to remember, and tell them to others when we can. You led such a unique and adventuresome life. I am glad of that. And I am forever grateful I got to be a part of it.
For a long time I could not even set foot in your room without a heavy drag on my own spirit. But a few months ago, as a new opportunity came my way, I decided to recreate it for myself. I use it now as my home office, and happily so, knowing how much time you spent in here, even where I type this now. And I have kept some of your things around me. Some pictures, statues…hats, toys and trinkets. At first, it was so difficult to look at the things you left behind - many of them now belong to your daughters, who also treasure them - but I kept some too. Now, they brings me peace. Often even, a smile, remembering how you would continue to play with your toys your entire life, like a little kid. We should all have that childlike spirit about us. It kept you excited about life, till your very last day.
Maybe you know…I am doing ok now. Not every day, not every minute, but mostly, I am healing. I am finding new pathways to walk. I am meeting new people and developing relationships. I still, and always will, treasure your daughters, the daughters of my own heart, and their families. I can never thank you enough for leaving behind so much love and support in my life.
Now, even as I miss you with my whole heart, I can honestly say that most days, I look forward to life. I wake up with things to do, places to go, and people to meet. I am continuing to forge ahead this new reality and though I would give anything to have you back, I know this cannot happen. So until we meet again, I will try to do good, try to love others, try to honor you with my faith and happy memories of our life together.
Thank you for teaching so much while you were here. I will never forget.
Yours forever and always,