Sunday, February 22, 2015

Losing My "Widginity"

Ok. So. A LOT of things have happened in the past week for me. And just days ago, one of the biggest new firsts happened. One I have wondered about and feared and dreaded for two and a half years. I can't even believe I'm going to share this... like, PUBLICLY, but it's part of the journey. So here goes.

I spent this past week up in the Alaskan wilderness with Drew's mom, grandma, and aunt. His grandma is 91 years old and had never seen the northern lights, so we decided to take her. The trip was wonderful. We stayed at a remote lodge an hour and a half north of Fairbanks... and by remote I mean there is NOTHING out there but this lodge, some moose, and pure wilderness. No cell service. No internet. All their power is geothermal from the hot springs that run through the area. I had no idea of all this until we arrived, but I welcomed unplugging from the world for a while. So rarely do I get a chance to.

We went out Tuesday night for a viewing up on one of the nearby hills for the lights – and they were out all night long. For 4 whole hours, we enjoyed an incredible show. His grandma got to achieve one of her lifelong dreams. I captured pictures of the entire expereince for her and all of us to look back on. We also did a short sunset flight, a dogsled ride (yes, a 91 year old woman on a dogsled! And she wanted the ride to be even longer!) and got to drink appletinis out of glasses carved from ice. Spending this trip with two generations of my fiance's family was so incredibly special to me. To be there to watch his grandma enjoy a lifelong dream for him – my heart overflowed. To see the lights myself, to watch them dance thru the sky, brought me to tears. Because he brought me there. And he keeps bringing me to amazing places in this “after” life.

But something else happened on this trip. And its crazy and weird as shit to actually write this in conjunction with all I just wrote above... but... a VERY big personal milestone happened.... involving several beers and a VERY handsome young man who worked as a waiter at the lodge restaurant. Yeah, you know where I'm going with this. Everyone... after two and a half years, I officially lost my “widginity” as I am calling it - or widow virginity. 

And yeah that's an entirely appropriate way to say it I think, because the first time after the death of your loved one really is JUST as big of a deal as the real first time. Every first thing is. The first time someone holds you. The first time you kiss someone.  Hold hands. And definitely the first time you have sex. Everyone does this differently. Some folks jump right into it, others have to wait years. I have never been an impulsive person nor have I ever had casual sex before, so, I have ended up in the latter category. Sometimes unwillingly. I cannot express to you how many times I just want to be able to go ho it up. Don't judge, you know if you aren't ho'ing it up, you probably harbor this same secret wish... or you will at some point.

So as it goes down, I'm on the last night of my trip, at the lodge bar having a few drinks with the staff as they wind up for the night. Before long, an especially delicious looking waiter ends up joining me for drinks after his shift. I mean this guy could be a model. There is not an ounce of fat on him and muscles galore. Seriously not someone I would ever attempt to approach... then again, the new me lately seems to be full of surprises.

We chat a good while and get to know each other. When we leave the bar, we run into each other out on the trail back to our rooms. We chat a moment there in the cold, snowy wilderness, and I just think to myself “it's my last night, it's now or never, fuck it!”. I grab this gorgeous man and give him a kiss. Which leads to some heavy making out. Which leads to my asking to go back to his cabin.

Yeeeep. That's where it all happens... right there on the mattress... which is on the floor. Yes, the floor. It was like a Dirty Dancing sequel y'all. All we were missing was that "Hungry Eyes" song (which I so should have played since I have the soundtrack on my phone - damn the delayed realization!) This story is made even better by the fact that he had no bathroom... so I am forced to run the 30 or so feet to his outhouse in the cold (NINE degrees) in nothing but a blanket and my snow boots. Yes. You are welcome for the visual. Ah where life takes you when you live in the present moment - lol. 

All joking aside, the amazing thing is, it was nothing like I feared it would be. It wasn't traumatic. It didn't trigger me drastically. It didn't feel shallow or empty or like I was pushed into anything. We laid in bed, drank chocolate milk, watched comedy specials, laughed together, shared stories, and took our time with all the rest. I told him back at the bar about losing Drew, so that was out there already. Before anything happened, I was also very up front that this is the first time for me since he died. I wanted him to know that beforehand, because I was pretty sure I'd get upset at some point, and he needed to know why. I also said it so he could know this was a very deliberate and conscious decision which he needed to handle carefully and respectfully. 

Sure enough, shortly after we began to make love, I got overwhelmed. We stopped, and he just held me, and I cried in his arms for a few minutes while he reassured me that it was okay. I didn't have to say a word. In that moment, even though he barely knew me, all this man cared about was making certain I felt safe and cared for. And even though I barely knew him, and he was not Drew, I allowed myself to be cared for by him. I allowed myself to be cared for. That is HUGE. It was strangely beautiful to think - while in the arms of another man - how much it would make Drew happy to see me being cared for so lovingly. I swear I could feel broken pieces of my heart melding back together. 

We made love on and off for a few hours that night before he finally walked me back to my room. I say “made love” because it felt surprisingly like that, despite the fact that we barely knew each other. We weren't two broken people trying to use sex as a band-aid, we were two healthy people who made a conscious choice to share something beautiful together for a night. I've never had casual sex before this, so I honestly had no idea there could be love between near strangers that way. I was left so surprised by this - and even more surprised that I did it. I mean, who is this chick?! Ho'ing it up now whenever she damn well pleases, on her own terms,  and not beating herself up one bit about it? Whoever she is, I think I like her. My god I am full of surprises in this damned "after" life. 

The most wonderful part of this entire experience though was something even bigger. Seeing how it fit together with my love for Drew. It didn't make his space in my heart smaller. It didn't move him farther away from me or erase him or make my love for him any less. He was there in my heart, just the same, even through this experience. And when it was all over, and this sweet man walked me back to my room, kissed me one last time with a coy smile, and we said our goodbyes... I knew in a brand new way, that no one will ever be able to move Drew from my heart. No one will take his place. No one will erase him or take up more room than him in my heart. I learned in a brand new way that my heart will only get bigger to accommodate others, but that it will only begin to grow when it is healed enough and ready to. I think because I have not rushed this, and because I have waited until I truly felt ready, it has allowed it to be a positive experience. In the past few days following all this, it has only more deeply solidified the understanding in me that Drew isn't ever going anywhere. And I never have to be afraid - because I will not ever lose him twice. 

32 comments:

  1. Thank you for the smiles and tears. I'm so glad this was a wonderful encounter for you. You've come a long way in front of our eyes. It gives me sparks of hope.

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    1. Thank you Janice! It means so much to me.

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  2. Dammit woman. Im going to Alaska. ps thanks for making me cry.

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    1. Hahaha YES. Widow trip to Alaska - lets go ho it up! Love you so much.

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  3. I read this with tears pouring down my face too! So many thoughts and emotions! For a start, thank you for being brave enough to share this with us. Such a huge, personal and intimate moment, I can't imagine it would have been easy to talk about so openly.
    I say thank you because 'losing my widginity' is something I find myself thinking about more and more and it terrifies me! Hearing how you felt about this, and how it didn't change your relationship with Drew, gives me so much hope.
    I'm so happy that this was such a positive experience for you.
    Can I ask one question? Did his family have any idea? I'm very close to Dan's family and they've told me a number of times that they want me to find love again but I don't want them to be uncomfortable or sad when I start taking steps forward. Xo

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    1. Hey Rebecca, thank you so much for your comment. It was SO NOT EASY to share this lol. I am very modest abt this stuff. But i knew it was important to share such a big moment.

      it was certainly surreal that I came back to the hotel room where my mother-in-law was! But we are like family, very close. I decided not to tell her the full version... But instead that we messed around a bit. I have done that much with one other guy recently that she knew of so that worked well for me. She was totally Cool about it. :) i think when we find a really good man, it will make our in-laws truly happy and it will be a win win for everyone.

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  4. I had to read it twice. Then, I literally heard myself give a big, loud, happy, sigh, and felt myself smile. ***Sigh.*** :)))) Hugs.

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    1. You made my day reading this comment just now. Thank you. :)))

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  5. You go you lil chic i love the silly ho'ing satire. Soar all you can. Your love is right where it will always be your forward and taking him with you. Lots of hugs sarah.

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  6. Wow, you go, girl! I don't imagine myself losing my widginity any time soon but I know when I do, I pray that the guy is kind, loving and understanding like this guy was for you. And handsome to boot!? Score! I hope you got his address so at least you could correspond via "snail mail." He could be your special pen pal and maybe even a special long distance friendship will blossom from this encounter.
    Maybe a spinoff from Camp Widow can be a trip to see the Northern Lights. That's on my "just do it" list as well and hopefully, I'll get there soon. Thank you so much for sharing. It gives me hope that there are guys out there who are respectful of your "first time" and aren't there just to get the "goods" and run. --Marissa

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  7. Sarah, I LOVE that you shared this! Happy for you. No judgment here! <3

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    1. Thank you Connie! <3 Missed you at camp.

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    2. TY babe. Wish I could've been there!

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  8. Fantastic! So wonderful that his family is awesome! I too love your "ho'ing" term!!! :)

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  9. Yeah Girl, I was at 2 and a half years myself when I lost it. I had to work a little harder as I am twice your age but I found someone.

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    1. Thank you Paula. Glad you found someone too!
      A little update.. he MAY end up down in Texas later this year for seasonal work. I'm not gonna lie, I would not be opposed to a hot seasonal love affair. lol!

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  10. Sarah, I love the word widginity. It is very important the first time. I hope I loose mine soon.
    Here's to summer love in Texas.
    Maria O.

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    1. Thank you Maria for writing - i'm glad you like the word. It definitely made me giggle. Seemed we needed a word for this! Summer Love in Texas indeed. Good luck to you with losing yours :)

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  11. Love the way this experience happened for you! I'm blown away that on the morning I'm considering responding to a man online about an actual date, I find your blog - this blog! For the first time. Thank you so much for your honest "report " ;) and incredible heart. I feel encouraged and not so alone. Maybe in the lower 48 there is a chance for me to open my heart and stop grieving and start living.

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    1. Hi Julie, thank you for writing! your comment meant so much to me. All we can do is try - and listen to our hearts about whether it feels right or not. I never expected this to unfold the way it did - lol, but that's our life now isn't it? We just keep trying our best. I'm wishing you luck with the online guy!

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  12. As a new widow (Sept 2014) I found your story inspiring. I know I have so many firsts in front of me. The thought of another man is a big one. I struggle with when to take off my wedding rings. I know the anticipation is often worse than the experience. Through your story I have more faith in the healing process and the life that is ahead of me. Thank you!!

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    1. I'm so glad it helped you. Just go at your pace, and it will all unfold okay, trust that. Sending you love, so sorry you are in the widow boat with us.

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  13. Oh Sarah - so many emotions went through me as I was reading your story . I love that name widginity. It gives me hope and I struggle with even holding another mans hand - so you gave me hope. Love you my friend - and thanks for sharing such a private part of your journey.

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    1. I'm so glad Judy, thank you for reading it and sharing your words. These firsts are not easy, but i think if we trust our intuition for when it feels right, it can still be beautiful. You'll get there. When you are ready.

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  14. Dear Sarah Treanor, I read your blogpost through twice and cried both times. Thank you so much for sharing your experience, for being so brave and honest. I have quite a few widowed friends but most are much older than me and not eager to discuss any of this. In addition, I was married for 37 years and find even the idea of another partner very daunting. So thank you. How are we supposed to know all of this if somebody doesn't tell us?? Also----I am so happy for you that your experience was so positive and healing. And envious. And hopeful.

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    1. Thank you so much Janice. Your comment really meant a lot to me - and you're right, we don't talk about this stuff enough! It wasn't easy to share something so private! But I knew I needed to pass it along to others… at least one experience in all this mess has been positive and healing. There IS some hope!

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  15. Lovely. Perfect.
    The first time for me was after about 2 years. (It's 5+ years now.) I had just taken off my wedding ring, as an experiment at Camp Widow, a couple of weeks before. I swear while I was in the bed with my new lover asleep beside me, I could FEEL my J. come into my body, and I was just filled with joy and peace, HIS joy and peace. Will never forget it.

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    1. Wow this is beautiful! Such a wonderful story. Thank you for sharing Carolyn!

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  16. Sarah,
    I salute you as a true FWG! Your writing brought me to tears, it made me laugh, and it made me pump my fist in the air. You, dear girl, have balls of steel, not just for doing what you did, but for sharing it with us. Not easy, I know. And just so YOU know, I shared this with my 2 sons and my daughter and then I shared it on my fb page because it was raw and honest and it's something that needs to be seen.

    Thank you from every part of me for your honesty~
    alison

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  17. Thank you for sharing your experience!

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