Dust

Honestly…sometimes the hardest part about writing here each week is figuring out what not to write. I know many of my family and friends read this, so sometimes I try to be careful about revealing any of the darkest parts of my soul. I don’t want to worry them because I am not naturally a gloom and doom type of person. I’m pretty upbeat and positive and mentally quite healthy…but the fact is, it has been a challenging week.

But can’t that be said about anyone? Even if we haven’t lost our loves, don’t humans in general often struggle with all the ins and outs of living this life? Ups and downs, bad days and good ones? Now layer the loss of our spouses on top of all of that…the constant shadow of our missing halves that never goes away. The bottom line is this is a place designed for supporting each other in our grief. And grief is what this is. The world needs to understand that it will never go away. We just learn to live with it, and some days are harder than others.

I found out this week that another friend is sick, and maybe dying. I also learned someone else I know is a widower - not recently or anything, just a fact I hadn’t been aware of. We are everywhere, it seems.  And discussions with family lately have been about health concerns, wills and estates…a necessary part of the business of life I know. It just feels like some days, death is all around me, and my own life feels strange, fragile and shaky - that feeling like I’m just waiting for that other shoe to drop or something. I think I took a lot of things for granted before Mike died. Now, nothing seems safe anymore.

On the other hand, life is all around me too. And what is the meaning of it all? I’ve been thinking about it a lot this past week. In the best world, one where we can share joy and love with one another, while we are still here. I can’t think of any other reason…though I will admit to a lot of moments when it feels like it is without meaning or reason.

I do work hard to focus on the good things. To allow those dark moments to pass, and replace them with brighter ones. I am blessed to have so many beautiful people around me and things to look forward to. But that grim specter is always lurking too…that one I didn’t really know of until Mike died. I guess it will just always be that daily challenge of putting one foot in front of the other and making the best of what I have. Because otherwise, as the song says that was playing on my drive home tonight, which captured my recent thoughts and feelings so well…all we are is dust in the wind.