Saturday, May 2, 2015

Scared of the Anger

It's been a year, nine months, one week and two days since my husband took his life and I'm only now just starting to feeling angry. Even typing that, makes me ill.  I'm  very much NOT ok with feeling angry.  

When he first died, I had a fleeting moment of thinking 'how could he have made this decision for us, without consulting me!?' and then within a split second it was gone - replaced with 'well he was sick.  This wasn't my husband, this was his disease.  It robbed him of his logic, his understanding of consequences and his ability to make rational decisions. It also robbed him of his ability to ask for help. In that moment, he believed there was no other way.'  

Any hint of anger was replaced with sadness for how scared and lost he must have felt. That just broke my heart and overshadowed everything else.  I didn't want to yell at him, I wanted to hold him, comfort him, sooth him. 

I'm not a 'yelling' kind of person, never have been.  As a child, I was much more included to sulk rather than throw tantrums.  As an adult, I'm logical and sensitive, I want to find solutions and compromise rather than get lost in rage or lash out.  

My husband and I weren't fighters.  We didn't always agree, but we always communicated from a place of kindness - reluctant to hurt each other and always wanting to work towards a mutually-agreeable solution.  We never used harsh words or said things out of spite, which is why I'm totally freaking out at the harsh words that have been coming to mind now, when I think about his death. 

I have been putting off writing about this.  I can barely speak about it to my closest friends.  The words choke as they come out, I'm petrified of acknowledging this emotion. 

I don't want anyone to get confused and think that I'm blaming my husband for his death.  I've been a fierce and vocal campaigner of showing support to those suffering mental illness, and working to remove the stigma and blame around suicide.  I'm worried that by expressing anger in a public way, it may be misinterpreted. It is a very private, very intimate and very personal emotion and it's scary to be vulnerable.  It's also a temporary emotion, but something that I need to acknowledge and work through, in order to prevent it from settling in my stomach and making me unwell. 

I described it to my grief counsellor this week as though there is a child inside me wanting to throw the mother of all tantrums.  She wants to rage and scream and kick and break things.  She is so hurt and angry, she feels deceived and betrayed.  But, there's also the rational, loving adult who keeps silencing the child with soothing words such as 'but it wasn't him, he adored you - he would never consciously hurt you'.  As soon as the child starts to find her voice it is quickly shut down. But my rationality just needs to shut up for a moment so the anger can be heard and released before it suffocates me. 

I'm scared that my anger might hurt people, like those who love Dan and may not be ready for this emotion (which was me, up until now). 

I'm scared that I may be encouraging others to feel angry at him. The thought of that pains me greatly, which is very confusing and complicated.  Even in my own anger, I want to protect him from any wrath. 

And I'm scared that by acknowledging this in any way, including writing about it here, people will try to stifle or dissolve my anger by rationalising the situation.  Making it even harder for me to process it as a valid and important part of the grief journey. 

I know that while, right now, I may be very mad about his death, I still love my husband.  The anger doesn't change that.  I will continue to love him long after I've released this pain and I know that, where ever he may be, he will understand why I feel like this and forgive me.  He is probably actually wondering why it's taken me thing long in the first place.  

And again I'm reminded about the personal growth that grief leads us to.  I have learnt so much about myself since his death.  I've been faced with thoughts, emotions and ideas that I probably would never have had to consider if he were still here.  Learning to be comfortable with my anger is just the latest on this long list.  I know I will get through this one too, because my track record so far is pretty impressive. 

22 comments:

  1. The day my son died (he fell asleep at the wheel driving), two different people told me I couldn't be mad at him and that accidents happened. Anytime I felt anger toward him for driving while he was sleepy, I stuffed it down and felt like a bad mom. At the 2 year mark, I went to a grief retreat and finally let that anger out and realized what a weight I had been carrying. Anger had turned to furry and rage because I hadn't expressed it. And I wasn't a bad mom for feeling that way. It was a relief.

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    1. Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone! I'm glad to hear that you found your outlet.

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  2. My dear Rebecca, my heart hurts for you as I read this. I'm so sorry that this anger is so troublesome for you, when to me it seems so very understandable, so justified, and so very human. I hope you know that we humans are perfectly capable of holding two totally opposite emotions at the same time: love and hate, joy and sorrow, happiness and sadness, and all the rest. This is the very definition of ambivalence. It may help to split your ego and say to yourself that there is a part of you that is angry about this death, but the rest of you is not. At the very least, I want you to know how much I respect and admire your courage in sharing this post with others. In doing so, you are normalizing what is for many a very common and natural reaction to a death by suicide.

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  3. I know that anger is a part of grief. I think when suicide is the cause of death anger feels tricky. My husband lost his battle with depression and addiction 7 1/2 months ago. So many people have made comments about how angry I must be. I feel like you do. How could I possibly be angry with him. He fought a long, silent & hard battle. Even while keeping the fight, he loved me deeply. He would have never hurt me on purpose. But, anger is starting to rear it's head and it makes me feel selfish.

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    1. It's such a difficult situation, isn't it! I remind myself that anger is a common part of all grief - not just suicide grief - we just have a more complicated reaction due to the nature of the death. I hope you can find peace with your anger, please know you're not alone xo

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  4. I believe that inside us all is a child who is the source of the energy which fuels our lives. That child is natural and wants what she (or he) wants and wants it instantly. When denied what one wants the child has a very natural reaction which we call anger. In accepting one's child's feelings, honoring them, exploring them, our child feels validated and can let go of the anger and move on to new experiences and feelings.
    I'm glad you are hearing your inner child, Rebecca, no matter how wrong it has felt to accept your anger. I haven't struggled as much with acknowledging my feelings of anger, but I sure do sometimes get very mad that my Wes isn't here and providing me all the love and support I want and expected from him!

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    1. Thank you for your perspective and support, I appreciate you taking the time to comment.

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  5. This forum is a safe place for you to vent and you should be able to vent to your grief counselor as well without feeling guilty. You should say what you need to say so the grief won't settle in your gut and make you sick.
    I do understand your apprehension though. My husband passed of esophageal cancer almost three years ago and while I'm mostly comfortable letting my inner two year old out when necessary, there are times when I guard my feelings because I don't want anyone to think poorly of him or me. I write these feelings in my journal instead. I told myself that I'd keep the journal for one year after I fill it up then I'd go back, read it again, see what progress I've made and then destroy the journal. I don't think it'll happen but if I should die before I get to complete this process, I put a disclaimer in my journal that no one should read it if they're not prepared to deal with what I was feeling at the time I wrote it.
    I say vent as much as you feel comfortable letting out. Your feelings are your feelings and they'll change as time passes so if you feel it's appropriate to let your inner two year old out, let her out. Eventually, you may find that she'll want to come out less frequently, not because you're suppressing her but because you let her say what she needed to say and now she's at peace.

    --Marissa

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  6. It's been 1 year, 7 months and 4 weeks since my husband took his life. Let yourself feel whatever you are feeling without question or blame. This is grief. Sometimes it shows up as anger, sometimes as sadness, sometimes confusion. It's all good. It's all moving you forward. This is a complicated loss. Don't make it harder by worrying about others and what they might think. Take care of you. Feel what you need to feel. The wave will pass and will come again. Each time you get a little stronger. xoxo

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    1. So many time I want a "like" button when I read blog posts here. I want that button now. Sharon

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  7. Dear Rebecca,

    I can't say anything more to enlarge upon all the other wonderful, supportive comments you have received, offered with such love and understanding. so I am sending you my love along with a big shiny light of hope that you will be released from any guilt for expressing your anger, which is completely understandable and will never diminish the love you feel for your Dan.

    much love and lots of gentle, warm hugs,

    Karen xoxo

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  8. It took me over four years to fully embrace and express my anger for all of the same reasons. I fiercely protected him in life and I wasn't about to stop after he died. He made many mistakes and treated me poorly on several occasions, but I blamed his disease. When he was sober and his depression was in check, he was my dream husband, the man I fell in love with. When he was depressed and/or drinking he was near unbearable. I knew he wasn't angry at me, I know it still. When he died, I was devastated. Not only did I lose my beloved, I lost all hope that he might actually seek treatment and learn to better manage his disease. I felt sad for him. Just like you said, I wanted to soothe him, comfort him, let him know he wasn't alone. Fast forward to a few months ago, I was writing in my journal about something (seemingly) unrelated. An issue I was having with a friend that I was feeling irritated about, kind of betrayed and let down. I was just trying to narrow down my feelings in my journal before confronting it in person. As I wrote I got angrier and like a volcano, I soon realized I was writing to my husband. I let it all shoot out and spew all over many pages. When I was done, I felt exhausted, but relieved. many of the things I wrote probably should have been said to him while he was alive, but I couldn't do it. Regardless they needed to be heard, even if only by me and the paper they're written on. I think I was afraid I might hate him if I allowed myself to be angry...but on the contrary, I love him even more and understand myself a little better too.

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    1. What a wonderful break through for you! As you say, I feel better after acknowledging my anger and getting it off my chest. It's a complicated process and it helps knowing we're not alone.

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    2. Your story is a mirror image of mine....I too lost my husband/partner of 20yrs July 15 2015. He hung himself in our daughters(5) doorway while she and I were sleeping on the couch 15ft away. Our son (10) got up for a snack and saw him....since it had been just over an hour since I fell asleep I proceeded to do CPR.
      He was in the same state...drinking and just mean; his last words to me were "I'm going to bed, this house is a fucking mess" Something we fought about often. I still struggle with the guilt and remorse of not being a better housewife and that just maybe you know. I realistically know it's not true...he suffered with his own demons for years
      And your perfect in saying when he was good....he was great...the man I fell in love with...the father he was meant to be
      And in the end I think he truly hated himself and had convinced himself we did too
      I am struggling as it comes up to his 1yr anniversary and I'm still angry but, I'm tired of being angry and I just miss him and long for his companionship. We met when I was 13 and he was 16...after a very close and complicated relationship we began dating when I was 17 and he was 20...I had just lost my father(42) suddenly 6Mos before....my husband was all I knew I am still struggling over the death of my brother (31) and sister-in law (30) Dec 14 2012 in a fatal car accident
      I'm not looking for 'my life is worse than anyone elses'
      It's just hard when you've had so many sudden deaths
      Thank you
      'Talking' it out has released some tears but, left me feeling a little relieved��
      Charity

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    3. Our Widow's Voice blogs have moved to the Soaring Spirits web site. Rebecca still writes for us there each Saturday. Here's where you'll find the blogs: http://www.soaringspirits.org/blog

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  9. Hi Rebecca,
    Like you and so many others, I struggle with this "anger" thing. My darling Tony lost his battle with depression four years ago. It's hard to be angry with him. He did everything the health professionals told him to do, took every treatment, tried every medication. Three times he looked me in the eye and explained he didn't want to live any longer, and three times we put him in the best inpatient facilities we have. After a long and brave battle, in the end he was successful, and I found myself standing at his bedside holding his hand while they took him off the ventilator. How can I be angry? Like you, I so fiercely protected him and still do. I think I'm angry with the situation, with the lack of compassion of so many, with the fact that nothing worked for him. Somehow that makes the anger more bearable. Some people would say it's displaced, but I disagree. I hope you make peace with your anger. Talk to Dan, tell him how you're feeling. Most of all know you're loved and not alone.

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    1. Thank you Lisa, I appreciate you taking the time to share xo

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  10. I have been in the same kind of place since March...that was 18 months since my Graeme died. He did everything he could to live for so very long, and I know that. I'm still angry, and, like you, feel very scared and even guilty for feeling angry.

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    1. You're not alone Bethany, and from what I can see in the comments on this post, our anger is probably normal and certainly doesn't take away from our sense of loss or our love for them. I am trying to let go of the fear and guilt. I hope you're able to also.

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  11. thanks for this. I have walked in your shoes. I want to rant and rave, scream and shout, but can muster little more than selfish sobbing, almost four years on, every day is as hard as the last, on the outside I'm me, on the inside I'm the shattered remains of the woman I once was, a half person so angry he left me like he did, and too well aware of the pain and suffering others would feel if I walked the same path as he did xxx

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