I’m obsessing again and my mind is going back in time trying to change past conversations. This one is when Lisa starting viewing me as an obstacle. My mind takes me to the kitchen. Lisa stands by the refrigerator - in less than four weeks, cancer will have won its battle – she is starting to binge on unhealthy foods, shakes, and cookies. I’ve brought it up lightly once or twice, but today I can’t watch her treat her body like this, I have to try and say something.
“Lisa, you really need to eat something more substantial.”
“Just let me be, give me these few days.” She says.
“You said that last week.” I say.
“And you didn’t give it to me, did you?”
“I did. I totally did, I even drove out one night and bought you a shake. You ate like this all of last week.”
“What do you want from me?”
“You need to eat food. Are you no longer trying. Is this it? Are we no longer going to try to recover?”
“Just leave me alone!” She says and storms out of the kitchen.
I hate we had this conversation. I’m so mad it happened. Why was I starting fights with my dying wife? I should have been more supportive. I should have said this…
“Lisa, you really need to eat something more substantial.”
“Just let me be, give me these few days.”
“Okay, here, go sit down and I’ll pour the shake into a glass and bring you a plate of cookies.”
“Thanks Matt, this will be the last one for awhile, starting tomorrow, no more junk food.”
No, she never would have responded like that. She was sick and was showing poor judgment. I should have been more forceful.
“Lisa, you really need to eat something more substantial.”
“Just let me be, give me these few days.”
“No, Lisa, I’m sorry, all this sugar binging is not good for you. I am throwing away your shakes and cookies. Let me cook you up a chicken breast.”
“Matthew, leave me alone!”
“You can be mad at me all you want, but you are making bad choices and I need to make sure you are eating food, not junk.”
Oh my. I don’t like the sound of that conversation at all. That approach would never have worked. Hmm, I’m missing the point. I think it’s the first sentence where I screwed up. Yeah, that’s it. I should’ve started with a softer opening line.
“Hey Lisa, I see you are having another shake. I know there is milk in there, but shouldn’t you have some more food groups represented.”
“Matt, I’m not in the mood, leave me alone.”
Okay, that didn’t work either. Probably sounded too smart assed. How about,
“Hey Lisa. Wow, that looks good, do you mind if I have some? Mmmm, tasty. Hey look, I am cooking some chicken, want some of mine?”
“No.”
“Come on, you really…”
“Leave me alone.”
Too passive-aggressive. How about this?
“Now, I’m not starting a fight, but…”
“Good, then leave me alone.”
Grrrrr. Let me try appealing to her empathy.
“Lisa, you do know it’s difficult for me to watch you binge on sweets for two weeks, right?”
“And you know it’s difficult for me to have cancer on my liver, lung, and bone. Not to mention giving birth two months ago, right?”
Touché. Why can’t I solve this?
“Lisa, I was thinking…”
No.
“Can we just sit down and talk…”
No.
“Lisa, you know I love you…”
No.
“Lisa…”
“Hey…”
“I…”
No. No. No. What am I doing? I’ve turned into the computer from the 1987 movie WarGames. In it, the government programs a super-computer to simulate a winning strategy for global thermonuclear war. Scenario after scenario, the computer keeps trying to launch missiles from every country to see which one will work. Faster and faster it keeps trying different options yet coming up with the same results. Winner: None, Winner: None, Winner: None, until finally it shorts circuits.
There is nothing to be gained on trying to relive what I can’t change. Trying to look in the past and wish I would have said something different is like a computer trying to win a game of global thermonuclear war. Looks like the movie WarGames has provided me the wisdom to solve my problem for trying to change past conversations,
“Greetings Matthew Croke. A strange game, the only winning move is… not to play. How about a nice game of chess?”
