Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Sometimes I talk to him ....

     Yes ..... sometimes I talk to Jim.  This is a new experience for me.  I've been a widow for over 16 months and I've never really "talked" to him .... until recently.
     I couldn't do it before.  I couldn't believe that he could see and hear me.  After all, I have no doubt that he is in Heaven .... no doubt at all.  And I have no doubt that there are no tears .... or sadness in Heaven.  And so I believed that there was no way he could see or hear me ...... or he would be terribly, terribly sad.
He would hate to see what his death has done to me.
And so I couldn't talk to him.

     But this has started to change in the last month.  I'm not entirely sure why .... though I believe one reason is that I am feeling "better".  I decided last month to go back on my anti-depressants that I first went on a month after he died.  That story is a whole 'nother blog post for a whole 'nother day.
     But .... I did go back on them .... and I am glad.  I can tell a huge difference.  And somehow ... in that difference .... I have started talking to him.  
I now talk to him at different times in the day .... mainly in the car when I have some time to be quiet and reflect on things.  I tell him what's going on and what the kids are up to.  I tell him that I wish he were here to give me his opinion on things, but I'm not sad.  I feel a bit more relaxed talking to him ..... pouring out my day to him.
     I'm still not sure what I believe about him being able to hear me.  I'd like to believe that he can.  I'd like to believe that he's here .... with me and with each of our six children .... as a sort of "guardian angel".  That's what I'd like to believe.  But if pushed to answer if I really believe that .... I'm not sure what I'd say.  So I choose to not dwell too much on what is, or is not, possible ... and I talk.
Because talking to him makes me feel better now.
It didn't always ...... but it does now.
I know some women have talked to their husbands from day one.  I envied them when I couldn't do that.  
But now I'm one of them.
And I'm glad.
I know that he is very proud of the kids .... and of me.  I don't think he's surprised at how much we've accomplished and how far we've come.  He always had much more faith in me than I had in myself.  He was my number 1 cheerleader.  
And I think he still is.

I still miss him more than I can say ..... and would give anything to have him back.
But that is not a choice.  And so I move forward.
And I talk to him.

I hope that I always will .......
..... until the day that I see him again, face to face.
And I know that we will have SO much to talk about that day.
I look forward to it ..... probably more than he does.
Because he knows that on that day .... I will talk his ears off.
Hopefully he's enjoying the peace ..... while he can.


  1. This is holy ground....reading your words and imagining the picture you paint.


  2. Janine, You and I think so much a like, it scares me. I hate to think that there is someone else out there that thinks the way I do, because on most days, it's not very comforting. I too, believed and still do that Johnny can not hear me, or see me. If he could, he would be devestated at the pain I am going through. I have a big picture of Johnny on our closet door. His employees framed it and gave it to me. Every night I tell him goodnight. I also have a snapshot of Johnny on our frig. and every morning I tell him good morning. I still haven't figured out why. I think it's just a way for me to continue to remember him. I do talk to him when I go to the cemetary although he wouldn't be able to understand me if he could hear me. I'm sure if sound could wake the dead, the whole cemetary would be alive. I can not go there without crying so hard I think I'm going to throw up. I so want to just dig him up and bring him home. Anyway, as my girlfriend keeps telling me, if you think they can hear you and it gets you through all of this, then what does it matter. I do agree with her, but I'm such a black and white type of person, it's hard for me to even convience myself of things just to get me through. I do hope talking to Jim helps you. Thank you for you. Hugs to you, Lorry

  3. Lorry,
    Maybe since we do think so much alike (which isn't a bad thing!) there may come a day when you, too, will be able to talk to Johnny.
    Some day.
    Just take it one day at a time.
    And know that just the fact that you are still here ....
    IS something!!!
    Love you girl,