Monday, May 4, 2009

Whose Life Is This?

The last couple of weeks have consisted of a whirlwind of new experiences, new people, new opportunities, and new challenges. Generally, I drop into bed exhausted and with little time to reflect due to my constant need to plan for the next day...not a new problem for me. When I do stop to look at the path my life has taken over the last 44 months, I sometimes find myself wondering whose life I am leading. How did I get to this place? In what universe did I ever see myself speaking to rooms full of people about loss, grief and recovery? And where is Phil? Oh yes, he is dead.

And that is the one fact that centers me, odd as that may sound. Knowing that the best way to honor my love for Phil is to live the fullest life I can pushes me to do things I wouldn't have attempted before. The certainty that meeting other widows changed my life provides motivation to spread the word about the work my foundation does. Having the honor of hearing other people's stories of love and loss provides the on-going desire to create a community that people who have lost a spouse can call home. Because death has changed our defintion of home, and we have to find a different safe place. I have watched what happens when random strangers share the common bond of loss, and I am always astounded by the results of these meetings. Watching this kind of interaction is like viewing hope dawn like the sun--to be understood is priceless.

So even though I don't always recognize the path my life has taken, I am not afraid of the unknown destination. Having been led through the darkest days of my life by a loving God, an awesome family, and amazing friends who provided every single thing I needed along the way...I walk forward with confidence. And knowing that the love Phil and I shared is possible, I look toward tomorrow's sunrise with hope in my heart. My life with Phil opened many exciting doors, and my life in honor of Phil will open many, many more.

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