Saturday, September 6, 2014

Not Like Any Other Normal Day



While my husband was taking his last breath, I was at home re-potting these plants. Totally oblivious that my world - as I knew it - was about to end.

The shower drain in my bathroom really needs to be cleaned out, yet the thought of doing it causes the blood in my body to rush to my toes and leaves me feeling like I can’t breathe.   You see, the last day that I cleaned the drains in the bathroom, something catastrophic happened.  My husband died.

It started as a normal day. Daniel had hit snooze on his alarm a couple of times and was struggling to get up and get motivated.  I knew he was having a rough time, mornings were always the hardest for him.  Since being diagnosed with depression and starting on anti-depressants a few weeks earlier he seemed to be struggling even more and the medication started to take effect. However we’d checked in with our GP about it, who’d told us to stick it out and give it more time, assuring Dan that he would start to feel better soon.  Just earlier that week Dan had admitted that as mornings progressed he seemed to ‘warm up’ and the day got easier.  So I wasn’t alarmed that he was dragging his feet. 

I had absolutely no idea what turmoil he was battling inside.  I have replayed that morning over and over and over again in my head, looking for signs that I missed.  Trying to work out what was different that day.  Wondering at what point the disease took over and he came to the conclusion that he couldn't get through another day.  Wondering why I didn't see it; why I wasn't paying more attention rather than thinking about cleaning the stupid bathroom drains.

Did he know when he told me he loved me and kissed me goodbye?  Did he get as far as his office parking lot before turning his car back on to the highway?  Did he even, absentmindedly, find himself an hour away from home, at the location of his seemingly-spontaneous suicide, before realising what he was about to do?  Before deciding he was at the end of his tether and the time had come to end the pain?  These are just a couple of the hundreds of questions that I still struggle to let go of.  Will there ever come a time where I don’t torture myself with them?

As I cheerfully lugged bi-carb soda, vinegar and pots of boiling water up and down the stairs to our bathroom that morning, he was wrestling with demons that had him questioning everything he knew to be true.  Depression was telling him lies, convincing him that he was losing his mind to dementia and the best thing for everyone would be for him to remove himself from our lives. 

By the time I’d finished the drains and headed to our back yard to re-pot some plants that needed tidying up, he had written his final words in a letter to me, apologising for the pain this act would cause, begging for forgiveness and trying to explain that we’d all be better off this way.  While my gentle, intelligent and loving husband took his last breath, I was gardening. 

That seems so ridiculous to me.  I was doing these mundane, mindless, household tasks. Safe and secure in the belief that life was good and everyone I cared for was ok.   How could I possibly have been so naive and unaware, while my soul mate was fighting for his life and losing.  Surely I should have sensed something was wrong in my universe or felt an uneasiness?  Yet, I had no idea.  I was pottering around in our garden, without a care in the world, enjoying the feeling of the sunshine on my face.   

I think the fact that life was so ‘normal’ until that day plays a big part in why my brain still can’t process that Dan died from suicide.  It’s not something you ever grow up thinking could happen.  I used to worry about a loved one being hurt in a car accident, or a natural disaster – you just don’t ever comprehend that your new husband will take his life.  

I think I assumed that in a situation like this there would have been more signs; more opportunity for me to intervene; more time to fight the disease and get my head around the gravity of the situation that he was facing.  I know now that I was so naive about so many things.  But that’s not my fault, who WOULD be prepared for these circumstances?

When I think about that morning, the last moments before my world collapsed and the shadow of grief was cast across my heart, I almost feel guilty at how carefree I felt.  I recall my sense of contentment and satisfaction as I cared for our home and worked on building a nice life for us – and wish with all my heart I could go back to that time.  The biggest worry on my mind that day was getting my housework done in time to meet friends for lunch.  I had absolutely no concept that my husband was about to die from suicide.    

So, I don’t want to clean the drains again.  I don’t want to acknowledge that the word could have another blow waiting for me.  I don’t like looking down into the murky drain pipe while I wash my hair but I just can’t bring myself to do anything that vaguely resembles the course of events on that worst day of my life.  

14 comments:

  1. Rebecca I feel your pain. We all have questions that will never be answered. Easy to look back, but much harder looking forward. You did all you could do at the time, and find some peace in that. There is nothing we can change of what happened, life goes on day by day, and actually the memories of all the good times gives me peace..

    God Bless

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    1. Thank you. It's taken a lot of work to acknowledge that I did all I could, I guess there'll always be moments where I wish I'd done more but I know it's pointless to focus on that. The happy memories are definitely worth cherishing. Bless you too x

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    2. The guilt that I am feeling is so huge.. If only I could go back to day 1.. Maybe things were different now, maybe he was still with me. But I tell myself that it is God's will. Though it has broken me into tiny little pieces and put me into a completely incomplete state, I still trust God and His plans for me. Thanks for writing this, it showed me that what I'm feeling right now and all the questions in my head are normal, not for everyone but for the people on the same shoes as mine. Somehow, I feel understood.

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  2. Sending big hugs your way Rebecca. I'm so sorry for you loss and all of this pain. Your words brought tears to my eyes. Be kind to yourself..you deserve it.

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  3. Hello, dear Rebecca, he was sicker than anyone knew..he was never gonna burden anyone w it.. It's like so many say if I get a terrible disease I will take myself out so as not b burden on anyone... My own husband said that when we were young because his uncle did it..suicide to me is a disease like any other diseases it Robb's people..as far as yr doing regular little stuff , I was too when accident happened..regular normal thurs eve..upside down here it comes..just continue to write it's good therapy..for u and all widows in our so called club..widows club..hv to tel u never saw it comin at 51.. Upside dwn..keep writing, venting, sharing u will come thru this..as one post said be good to yourself..u deserve it

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    1. Thank you for your support, I really appreciate your regular comments xo

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  4. dear Rebecca,

    I am so terribly sorry for the utter anguish you feel in the aftermath of your dearest Daniels' suicide. I hope that each time your grief circles you back into the scenario of you performing ordinary household tasks and enjoying doing them, you will gradually experience that horrible juxtaposition of events eroding as clarity and the truth settle in to release you, to know without a shadow of a doubt that there no way to have any idea of what was playing out as you cleaned the drains and re-potted the plants I hope with all my heart you will always be able to return to a place in your heart and your mind where you can feel as you have expressed , that you wish you could have saved him, but that you could never blame yourself for not knowing what would happen. this piece of the awful, gut-wrenching grief, when our Beloveds were compelled to slip the bonds of this earth, is like a spiral of sharp blades that cut into the places we feel most vulnerable. perhaps they keep returning so we feel the need to examine it all, over and over again, and each time we look through a new lens of time and truth, time and truth are what will help us see what we need to see. keep writing about that spiral, so we who so deeply care for you are able to reach out to you, to send our love, and be messengers of hope and compassion to help heal your broken heart.

    much love,

    Karen xoxo

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    1. Karen, great to read your writing again! I love it. Thank you for another gift. -Snowygirl

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    2. dear Snowygirl,

      I am humbled and so grateful for your kind words about my writing. I "write for my life" in an on-line journal I keep; but the more I write the more I realize I have so much more to learn! I sometimes feel I am clumsy and verbose - there are so many emotions tumbling 'round my mind and heart; but I hope even with some faux pas that I am able to express compassion and love and support.

      much love and thanks,

      Karen xoxo

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    3. Thank you for your kind words Karen. Counseling has helped me understand that my brain is continuously trying to process the trauma of Dan's death and, while my subconscious is whirring away at it 24/7, it seems to cycle through my consciousness so I can re-examine again and again. It's so exhausting! Each time these issues come up for me, I'm getting another step closer to finding peace. While I'm so very weary of this process I hope that by sharing it will help others feel like they're not the only ones going over and over things - and we're all not crazy! I really enjoy your comments, thanks for reading :)

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  5. You know all those people who said "if there's anything I can do, call me"? CALL THEM. Ask for help - ask them to clean out your drain. I had someone do grocery shopping for me FOR MONTHS because I couldn't go into the store without crying my way through every aisle.

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    1. Thank you, that's a good suggestion. I did actually think of this but on some level I just still didn't want the drains cleaned at all, by anyone! I think maybe I didn't want to acknowledge that life is going on and time is passing. After writing about it, however, I feel like I'm ready and will ask someone to help me. I'm glad to hear you had support with your grocery shopping x

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  6. Karen, I have come to the conclusion that when you are the survivor there is NO good way to die. Going back to the what if, the what should have, or the could have, hinders you from moving forward. My husband died 3 years ago from lung cancer and I hate every day without him. It truly is a struggle to move forward and unless someone has experienced such a loss as ours they have no clue what we are going through. Take deep breaths, look forward, not back and move one small baby step at a time. BIG HUGS

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