job and a new girlfriend and it looks like they have a future together, and our younger son in Connecticut is nearing the end of his schooling for EMT certification and he and his lovely girlfriend are planning their lives, and Chuck's daughter continues her active life with her two kids in Vermont.
All of this is, of course, everything a parent could wish for, and I'm so thankful they are creating their lives. I know they miss their dad dreadfully, and always will, but their lives are truly continuing and that fills my heart with love for them.
Today my brain slipped ahead in time, after I drop my daughter off. Not in a self-pitying way but in a holy hell and fuck, what do I do next? What do I do for the rest of my life without him? I read about other widows who are years out, ahead of me, who talk about the still-there pain and grief and I shudder and flinch and think how unsustainable this is in every way but this is what I have and I don't know how to do this long-term. How do I spend the rest of my life with his absence?
I'm open to love again, I'm open to life; each day I get up and drive and do and I'm involved and I meet people and new experiences happen continually and none of it touches that place inside me that just fucking stabs reminders into me. My only worry, really, is that this pain will continue the rest of my life and that is completely and utterly horrifying to me. I know that it can ease over time; I get that. But how can it be that it isn't there always, in some form? The level of grief is equal to the level of love one holds and even if another man comes into my life to love me and be loved, Chuck's absence will always be present.
He is missing from me and it's agony.