Wednesday, April 21, 2010

I'm Not "Normal" .....

..... and finally, FINALLY .... after 2 years and 4 months ..... I'm OK with that.
It feels good to finally feel OK with things not really being OK.

I don't think I will ever feel "normal" again. I spent a lot of time fighting that. I wanted to be "normal". I didn't want to be a widow. I didn't want anything to do with widowhood and everything it brought into my life .... and the lives of my children.

But I've stopped fighting. And that, too, feels good.

Don't get me wrong ..... this is not the life I would have chosen. And if I could .... I'd certainly go back to the way it was before December 17th, 2007.
If I could .... I'd wake up from this bad dream to find that's exactly what it was .... and nothing more.
But that's not the path I was given.
This one, without Jim, is.
I know that I will grieve for him until the day I draw my last breath and then join him.
I know that there will always be waves out there, waiting to catch me unaware.
But I'm done with hating where I am and where I'm going.
I'm done with hating not being "normal".

I'm choosing to be OK.
I'm choosing to be OK with this "new normal".
I'm choosing to enjoy my children and their accomplishments ..... the way I would've wanted Jim to enjoy them.

I know it's not easy.
I don't think it will ever be easy.
But I do think it's better than wishing my life away.
I think it's better than hating my life.
And I know that it's better for my children.
Even if .... I'm not normal.

It took over 2 years to get here .....
but I am NOT normal.
And I'm OK.


  1. Normal is so subjective. I think when we are secure in ourselves and lives, we don't give the idea of "normal" much thought, so we don't realize that there really isn't such a thing. It's only when something happens to rock our worlds, and we consequently have too much time to think and compare, that we are struck with the "abnormality" of it all. And by "all", I mean everyone. There are some normals that puzzle me and others that make me want to crawl away quickly and unnoticed.

  2. Janine,
    I want to try that. To accept the widowhood and accept the change to abnormality--I'm not normal.
    I want to accept me as being that.
    I could barely get through yesterday.
    I want to try to stopping trying to "fix" this,
    to fix myself. I will never be fixed. So then,
    I'll go from here. I am not leaving Rick behind--he left me behind.

  3. Being "okay" with all of this is definitely something to strive for... my husband has been gone eight months... and I thought I'd been "moving along" so well, getting back into life, facing new challenges, but recently, everything seems to be crashing down on me, and I feel the pain of losing him all over again, resentment (towards all of my friends whose lives are still intact), afraid that this journey will be too hard...

  4. Anon #2 --- Eight months is way too early to be OK with any of this. And most people don't tell you that the second year is harder than the first. Please be patient with yourself and know that it will come .... in the right time for you.

  5. Anon #1 .... You will get there .... in time. And you're right .... you will never be fixed. You'll just be different. And you'll be OK.
    Just know that you'll always have those days that you barely get through. But they'll come less and less often. I promise.
    Hugs .... Janine

  6. Synchronicity. I got to a place today where I just realized, "I'm going to be OK." It won't ever be what it used to be, what used to be normal... but that's OK, too. Love this - thanks for sharing.

  7. Thank you for sharing where you are in this journey. I lost my beloved Gary, Dec. 1, 2007 and can really relate to what you wrote. I was amazed that the 2nd year was harder than the first. But now?...... well it's just my new normal and I am getting used to it even though it STILL feels so strange and lonely.