Wednesday, April 7, 2010

It's No Longer the First Thing .....

.... that I think of in the morning.

It occurred to me the other day .... that my first thought in the morning is no longer ..... "Jim is dead".
In fact, my first thought now isn't even about Jim.

This realization gives me mixed feelings.
I feel happy that grief doesn't occupy my every thought now.
But I also feel sad ...... that it doesn't.

I know that it's good to move forward (please note that I said "move forward" and not "move on" ..... I don't believe that I will ever "move on" ..... as if I've finally gotten "over" Jim's death and am now on a path to a new and better life).
I'm happy most days that I am moving forward .... one step at a time.

But sometimes I feel sad about it, too.
I know it doesn't make sense .... to non-widowed people.
And I know that it does make sense .... to you.

Some days it feels .... that in moving forward, I am leaving him behind.
And that makes me sad.

I don't want to leave him behind.
I know .... in my mind ..... that I am not really doing that.
But the heart can play tricks on the mind, can't it?

I know that Jim will always be with me .... that he will always be in my heart.
But as the crushing weight of grief becomes easier to bear .... my heart tells my brain that I'm forgetting.
It tells my brain that this "moving forward" indicates that I'm now doing just fine and that I don't really need him.

My heart misses him just as much as it ever has .... and it seems to resent my brain for not constantly focusing on that loss.
My heart and my brain sometimes seem to be at war.

I expect that they will reach an agreement with each other .... some day.
But until then .... I'm glad that my mind knows that Jim will always be a part of me.
Even as I move forward.

Even though he's no longer the first thing ....


  1. Makes perfect sense, and I still feel this way. Love to you and happy and sad for you that it isn't the first thing.

  2. Ditto to what Michelle said, Janine. And I understand perfectly too...and it's really weird when you hit the point that it's not something you necessarily even think about weekly, much less daily....

    Hugs, my friend.

  3. I still wake up with the first thought
    "OMG, He's really dead/gone." Knowing that one day that won't be my first thought is encouraging. Thanks

  4. Such wise words.. You make perfect sense!

  5. I can relate to that first thought...and to the fight between heart and head when it is no longer the first thought.
    Thank you for putting into words the experience that I thought I was going crazy for feeling! (Of course my therapist said I wasn't crazy, but I was paying her...)