Sunday, April 11, 2010

I'm OK?

Today looked like this....

I got up.

I laughed before the big toe of my left foot hit the floor.

I left at 8:15 for an 8:30 class that was a 20 minute drive away.

I drove lateness, some things never change.

I didn't know anyone in the class.

I didn't feel like knowing anyone from the class.

At the class, I didn't eat the granola bar, tossed the too sweet yogurt and drank 4 little bottles of water (borrowed from my the table mates, the ones I didn't know.)

I drove home and sang till I coughed.

I made a semi-nutritious lunch for my kids out of food I already had in the refrigerator!

I made a really nutritious lunch for myself. (Spinach, yellow peppers, avocado, pine nuts and goat cheese. Tossed with more balsamic vinegar than olive oil.)

I braved Target at 2:30 pm shopping for clothes with my two youngest. We didn't run over anyone while we were telling each other jokes.

I put together a telescope. I saw the pink-purple flowers of the Morning Glory way in the back yard REALLY well.

I dropped off my daughter for her (as of this minute) first successful sleep over in over 1 1/2 years.

I was truly interested listening to Ezra's hypotheses about weapons, bombers, fighter planes and tactical ways to win over an enemy.

I paid attention as he went on and on and on and on and on and on and on.

Just he and I went to see Avatar. It was a 7:45 pm movie. He's usually in bed by 8:30. We didn't get home till 11:00.

Now at almost midnight, I am laughing again.

I'm OK.

His death didn't destroy me.

Didn't remove my essence.

Didn't consume me.

And I'm still standing

and I find my feet are encased, ensconced in this new earth.

I wriggle my toes and notice that I cannot move the earth that covers them.

I laugh so hard....I pee.

My friend said, "How are you doing?"

Today, I didn't lie.

"I'm ok." I told her

And I am.


  1. Kim.... You're more than OK ...... you're fabulous!
    Thanks for this.

  2. The words "I'm ok" never change, but the meaning changes so drastically. I wonder if people notice the difference.

  3. how long did it take you to have a day where you felt like this? where you felt happy again? not just overwhelming sadness

  4. My husband's death did not destroy me either... but it took a big chunk. I laugh more than I cry, but then, I always have. When I'm down, I try to remember his humor. I loved him a long time, and I love him still. I'm moving forward with my daughter, and life can still be sweet.

  5. Anon .... My husband died almost 2 1/2 years ago and I think it took me a full two years to feel happy again. At least to feel happy consistently. I felt moments of happiness before that, but I also still felt the "overwhelming sadness", though it slowly got less overwhelming.
    Hang in there. You will get stronger and able to bear it a bit easier.

  6. To "how long did it take" It took me 9 months and 13 days. (I noted it in my journal! I was so surprised to get into bed and realize that I had functioned all day!)

    That day was made up of momements. And getting there was made up of moments throughout the process. I met these moments at first with confusion (how can I be ok?), then with guilt (is it ok for me to be OK?) then with tentativeness (when will the sadness return). So for me, it's not about the "day" as much as it was about having these good moments one on top of each other that managed to total a day. You will have moments when you feel good, if you haven't already. Enjoy that moment and know that many,many more of those moments will follow! I can promise you only that.

  7. I lost my husband a little over 3 weeks ago....right now I can't even imagine feeling truly happy again. I've been told it gets easier but its hard to see right now. I feel like everything has gone dark in my life and all I think about is what could have been.........
    Reading blogs like yours (hope you don't mind a total stranger reading your thoughts) does help me see that someday, down the line, things will better. I hope.

  8. shirley mcgoldrickApril 30, 2010 at 9:45 PM

    I lost my husband 1 month ago today. Today I cried all day. I just feel as if I will never stop crying. We were married for for 43 years. The last 6 traveling by boat and rv with total togetherness. Sometimes I had wished for alone time. Now I have it and don't know what to do with it. I have also been told it gets easier but mostly by people who have lost parents not the love of their life for 43 years. I guess they are trying to help but right now I just cant stop crying.