photo by EzraI’m gonna come out and say it.
I’m happy.
I’m a widow and
I’m happy.
It’s not because of another man either,
and I didn’t win the lottery.
I didn’t discover extra life insurance money or an extra $20,000 in my savings account.
I still haven’t found a new place to live. (If you live in LA, I’m looking for a 3 bdrm, 2 bath on the Westside. Hey, ya never know!)
And no, I have not been drinking or smoking the funny stuff.
I haven’t been eating ice cream or chips or cake for that quick high.
I’m happy because today Ezra and I had a good day and this day would not have been possible if
Art were here.
If Art were here,
my two oldest would not have flown on separate flights by themselves back east. They would not be forging their own, significant relationships with my sister and my in-laws.
If Art were here,
I wouldn’t have taken Ezra to the Venice Beach boardwalk. We wouldn’t have marveled at the roller skating guy, the skate boarders, or the guy in the turban with the electric guitar. I would not have been told, “Wow, they don’t’ make them like you anymore!” by the dummy and his ventriloquist.
If Art were here,
I wouldn’t have insisted (a bit meanly) that Ezra buck up and get on his new skate board. I wouldn’t have dared him to fall 5 times. (He fell 7 times and said he won!)
If Art were here,
I would not have been at the neighbor’s pool. I would not have heard “Mom watch this!” only 9 times (a record low) and been amused that I actually DID watch 8 times.
If Art were here,
I would have said, “I’m too tired, you take him.” Who am I kidding, if Art were here, we’d be somewhere else.
If Art were here,
I’d be in Maine, suffering my in-laws.
But
Art’s not here
and still
I’m happy.
I can’t believe I wrote that.
I’m too happy to even bother justifying that statement.
I am happy.
I’m happy.
Down to my hair follicles happy.
I’m happy because without Art here
I found this new strength, this courage, this audacity to just fuck it all and
be happy.
Without him here,
I have found
something
that was lacking when he was here.
A deeper,
more loving knowledge of
who I am,
faults included.
Without him here,
I like what I’m left with.
You go girl! What a great post! Thanks!
ReplyDeleteKIM,
ReplyDeleteYOU ARE FABULOUS!! AND AN INSPIRATION!! CAN'T WAIT TO MEET YOU AT CAMP WIDOW!!
ANNE MARIE
I am very glad that you are happy with yourself, but I must say, this is the saddest post I have read!
ReplyDeleteBravo!
ReplyDeleteI, too, have found unexpected happiness. Do I miss Bruce? Absolutely. And I like the me I have become.
And I believe he is cheering. I also know it would have been difficult, if not impossible, to become this me if he were still here.
Susan, Happy Widow of Six Years
Wow! Wow! Wow!
ReplyDeleteLove this.
Love that you don't feel the need to justify it.
Love knowing that there is something that can come from the loss and suffering.
I just came back from the Michigan Womyn's Music Fesitval. And it was incredible and beautiful and everything I hoped it would be.
Something that scared me to do - to dare to do.
But I did it.
While there I watched a blind woman navigate the night stage, a big field of grass. Without help. Just her cane.
I watched her do this and thought "how did she get here" and then I thought "what was I so fucking scared of?! She is out there in the world and now in the middle of the woods, alone."
Her courage made me realize - it is only when we dare to do the things we are afraid to do - that we actually become the people we are meant to be.
Thank you Kim. Like the woman I witnessed in Michigan. . . you are helping to light the way, in the dark.
Happy indeed to hear these words of encouragement. I'm glad you have been brave enough to change your world and to be happy in it. I think we all have it in us; sometimes we get bogged down by the "supposed to's" and use them as an excuse to hide from ourselves. Thanks you for staring the obvious: that we have every right to find and feel gladness in our hearts ever day; any day. It doesn't mean we love/loved less. We can open new worlds at home or somewhere far away. We can.
ReplyDeleteLOL I hope your in-laws don't read your blog!
ReplyDeleteI'm cheering you so hard right now!
ReplyDeleteI, on the other hand, think this is the happiest post I've read. For widows, or those of us faced with that possibility, it gives me hope to know that you can find yourself, be happy, and even find opportunities you may not have had and be grateful for them, even if you have not found a new mate. For so many who have not been able to move on and get past the crushing grief, this post is a beacon of light. Thank you for having the courage to write this.
ReplyDelete