Monday, August 1, 2011
I'm in a deep funk, and it feels like I am sinking.
It seems as though it was only a couple of months ago that I emerged from my winter hibernation. I thought I was through with all that for awhile, and I expected a longer period of sunny days.
Instead, clouds follow me wherever I go. I try to make out the sun, and from the looks of others, the sun is there for them. Why do I not see it? Why is it that I only feel the sky's dark shadow over me?
I feel like I am doing the right amount of things to help propel myself forward. I'm doing my best to keep the tide going in my favor, yet it is always that undertow that wins out. Is this depression? Is this grief?
I have struggled with depression for many years, and have turned to therapy and medication to assist me with coping. I have also added new elements into my life, such as my love of gardening, or my interest in Buddhism. I have tried prayer, and have struggled to reclaim that inner peace that my soul once had. It seems that life does indeed give you more than you can handle, or perhaps more than your share to carry. I suppose those words are not true, as I would have already given up if that were the case.
I sit here and think about these words, and I know it's all par for the course. This is what I must work through. Am I depressed? Sure, I have plenty to be depressed about. Is everything dark and gloomy? No. I'm in a funk, and it will pass. Sometimes these heavy hearted days pass quickly, and other times last for weeks. I just have to be patient. It's not like there is anybody knocking at my door wondering why I haven't come out to play. And, it's not like I have to measure up to others' perception of where I should be at this point.
This is just where I am right now. Today. The saving grace is that it is quite familiar, and I have come to expect days like these. Sometimes it's just the disappointing realization that I have been pulled back under. It would be nice to think that my grief was like climbing up a ladder, getting closer and closer to the top with each reach of that next rung. Yet we all know the reality, and it certainly is not as easy as that.
We slip, we fall, and then we begin reaching back up.
Reach with me.