Good bye.Words we are familiar with.
We have, in one way or another, said goodbye to spouses/partners. In tears, begging for forgiveness, in resolution. We have thought, uttered, whispered those words.
Good bye.
Good bye for me, now holds so much more. I get that I may not see a person again. I get that there isn't a reason for death. It sweeps in, takes what it wants and leaves.
I also see that every day is full of good byes. Langston grows another inch (good bye to childhood), a friendship ends with silence, I stand up for myself in a new situation. They are all good byes. The leaving of of something behind. The moving forward, the passing, the stepping away from.
Today it is my turn to say good bye.
This is my final post for Widows-Voice.
A few weeks ago I told Michele I wanted to stop writing for Widows Voice. I am still not sure why but I know it’s time for me to close this door, stand in the dark and decided which new door to open next.
I’ve been working on this post for days, trying to come up with something eloquent, meaningful and poised.
Every time I try, I fail.
So I will leave you with this.
Thank you.
Thank you for humoring my absurd obsession to vomit my widow truth every week over the last year and a half.
Thank you for reading my posts and for going to my blog to read my story. (www.artnagle.blogspot.com)
Thank you for making me reflect, in writing, about this journey into loss and growth and hope. Without you, I would not be the brave widow that I have become.
Thank you to the readers in:
Albania
Algeria
Angola
Argentina
Armenia
Aruba
Australia
Austria
Azerbaijan
Bahamas
Bahrain
Bangladesh
Barbados
Belarus
Belgium
Belize
Bermuda
Bosnia and Herzegovina
Botswana
Brazil
Brunei
Budapest
Bulgaria
Cameroon
Canada
Cayman Islands
Chile
China
Colombia
Costa Rica
Croatia
Cyprus
Czech Republic
Denmark
Dominican Republic
Ecuador
Egypt
Estonia
Faroe Islands
Fiji
Finland
France
Georgia
Germany
Ghana
Greece
Guam
Guernsey
Guyana
Haiti
Hong Kong
Hungary
Iceland
India
Indonesia
Iran
Iraq
Ireland
Israel
Italy
Jamaica
Japan
Jordan
Kenya
Kuwait
Laos
Latvia
Lebanon
Lithuania
Luxembourg
Macedonia
Malaysia
Maldives
Malta
Mauritius
Mexico
Moldova
Moroco
Myanmar [Burma]
Namibia
Nepal
Netherlands
Netherlands Antilles
New Zealand
Nicaragua
Nigeria
Norway
Oman
Pakistan
Panama
Peru
Philippines
Poland
Portugal
Puerto Rico
Qatar
Reunion
Romania
Russia
Saint Kitts and Nevis
Saudi Arabia
Scotland
Serbia
Sierra Leone
Singapore
Slovakia
Slovenia
South Africa
South Korea
Spain
Sri Lanka
Sudan
Sweden
Switzerland
Taiwan
Tanzania
Thailand
Trinidad and Tobago
Tunisia
Turkey
Uganda
Ukraine
United Arab Emirates
United Kingdom
United States
Uruguay
Venezuela
Vietnam
Zambia
Zimbabwe
(Yes…holy crude!! This blog is read ALL over the world!!)
Thank you for those brave enough (or who could figure out how ) to comment. Doing so reminded me that my experience as a widow is not unique (thank God!), that isolation is an option, not the truth.
Thank you, for showing me the simple act of putting one big toe in front of the other (or on the bad days when hands and knees, one middle finger in front of the other was as far as I could get) is moving forward, is dealing with loss, is learning how to survive. And eventually, those toes (or middle fingers) got me to a place where I thrive.
If you are new to this widow club, man, truly, truly how I wish I could short cut this journey for you. I'd show you the secret combinations and share the passwords with you so that you would not have to walk through the thick, heavy, murky sludge of grief. All of us who come before you want nothing more than to do that for you.
But we cannot. We cannot take away your pain. The worst part about “doing” widowhood is that it has to be "done," experienced, which.... frankly, totally sucks.
Know that those of us who have come before you, cry with you. We remember the pain, the doubt, the fear, the surprise and the confusion. We remember it and we will hold the rope until you are ready to climb again. You will be ready to climb again.
It gets easier and yes, even better. The loss you feel is real and crippling and
it
will
not
last
forever.
I promise.
Stay here.
Keep coming back. Keep reading because in these word on this blog you will find yourself.
If you are looking for proof there is life in grief, (not after grief because it morphs but never disappears), I am it. In the grief, I have found a light that guides me to beautiful places I never thought I’d see.
Thank you because I am the lucky one. To have been asked to write here, to have had the opportunity to share my feelings, my loss and to have you say “Yes Kim. We hear you.” That is a powerful gift. To be heard. I think, it is all any of us really want.
It is a gift that will stay with me until I take my last breath.
I heard this today on NPR – can’t remember who said it or when, but it is perfect.
The sun goes down.
Every day there is loss and
every day there is newness.
I am glad I came.
I love you all.
With Grace and Endless Gratitude,
Kim
www.exactlywhattheyneed.com
www.artnagle.blogspot.com
♥ Kim, you've gotten me through more days than I can count. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteKim- I don't know what to say. You really did say everything that I needed to hear- even in your very last post. Thanks you, take good care of yourself, God bless...
ReplyDeleteThank you Kim , I wish you only the best as you go forward. Your posts have been so honest. They made me realize my thoughts were not mine alone other widows felt them too. You are right , grief does not go away it does get softer ,life does get better it just takes some of us more time that others. Be safe, well and Happy Thanksgiving
ReplyDeleteKim, thanks for saying things that many widows are afraid to say and you will be missed, but it is good to see you are able to move foward to a new place.
ReplyDeleteYou are a powerful writer. I will miss your insight and honesty. There have been many times I have thought "Wow" I am not alone in my thoughts! Thank you and I wish you all the best.
ReplyDeleteSandy
Thank you so much for sharing your heart with us and caring about us and for being truthful! God Bless and wishing so much happiness! We will all miss you SO MUCH!!!
ReplyDeleteKim,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing your journey. And best wishes! I hope you come back to visit here.... I will miss you!
Virtual hugs come your way.
Thank you so very much KIM! When my husband died suddenly in March of 2010, a non-widow actually brought this blog to my attention. Your writing was one of the first that I read. When I was sure my life had ended and I would never feel anything but pain and couldn't even comprehend that there could be a "future" for me, you brought hope. I remember thinking to myself if this young woman with small children can trudge through this with such determination, then I, too, can make this journey. Your very candid blogs have continued to reinforce me and inspire me.
ReplyDeleteAgain, my many, many thanks from the pits of my still broken but recovering heart! You will be missed Kim!
Thank you Kim- I have loved your posts- so many times I was in your place. I will miss your post- go forward and be happy..
ReplyDeleteSay it ain't so! I have always looked forward to your posts but I understand. I just know from reading all your fine, fine writings, you are on the right track and I am in awe of you. It's time, for a lot of us, to go, go, GO where the sun is shining..............you are the best!
ReplyDeleteBig shoes to fill, Kim! Thank you so much for your honesty. I'm so impressed with your strength and willingness to be yourself. Hope some of that rubs off on me!
ReplyDeleteThere is a time for all of us to move on, and I applaud you for being able to do so. Thank you for sharing your words and insights into your journey through grief and back into living life, I hope to be able to follow you someday.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your posts Kim. You have no idea how often what I was reading was an echo of my own thoughts....usually with better grammar. Good luck in whatever you attempt now. You will be missed.
ReplyDeleteGood luck! I can see that as one heals, one loses the need to continue to focus on widowhood, and stay mired in it. It makes sense. As I feel better, I go through stages where I don't want being a widowed person to define me, and I can see why you would want to stop writing here. Your last few posts have illustrated that you are ready to cut the umbilical cord to the widowed world. That's called healing and moving forward, which is a wonderful goal to achieve. Dan once called this blog a "wailing wall" which is an apt description. You are in a new stage. Best to you.
ReplyDeleteTHANK YOU KIM
ReplyDeletefor being here every week
for sharing yourself with us
for giving us so many reasons to hang on
for being you!
Kim - it gives me hope to think one day I too will find that I am ready to go. It means that healing has occurred, life is beckoning and you have shared all you can share and have been heard. Thank you for saying some of the things that are hard to say. I have found my experience in many of your entries and some not at all and that is okay. Because I still learned something, even when our experiences were so different. I am so glad you are ready - some good byes are bittersweet.
ReplyDeleteBe well. Be happy.
Kim You wrote in a prior post
ReplyDelete"The ashes are what got me here, where I go from here is truly under my own power"
His Ashes, accompanied my boys and I as we traveled the world with them leaving a sprinkle here and there along the planet. When we returned home he was still dead and we miss him just as much as we did before we left.
- nothing was lessened...where we go from here is under our own power...I have much gratitude for the sharing of your widow's journey....with each posting of yours my pain subsides ever so slightly...with your postings...BUT IT DOES - we are under our own power...without our loves and you were very much appreciated. THANK YOU FOR SHARING YOUR JOURNEY. Namaste my sister in grief.
Dear Kim, Thankyou for getting me through many tough days. Out of all the writers I have felt the most kinship to you. Your heart echoes my own and you have brought me such strength. Just this last week I decided it was time to leave my family grief support group and begin spending more time opening new doors. I hope you will continue updating your blog with your successes and hardships. I will miss your words more than you could possibly know. Soar and be happy!
ReplyDeleteCassie,
ReplyDeleteDo not fill my shoes, they won't fit you! Find the just right pair for yourself!
YOU ARE A GEM, A JEWEL, A BRIGHT LIGHT WHOSE BEACON HAS SHOWN US A WAY TO BE, TO HEAL, TO SHARE, TO LEARN, TO ACCEPT WHAT IS, TO HONOR OUR PAST AND TO LOVE OURSELVES AND WHATEVER IS YET TO COME. YOUR INSPIRATION IS DEEPLY FELT AND STAYS WITH US AS WE ALL MOVE FORWARD IN OUR JOURNEYS. I THANK YOU FOR ALL YOU HAVE GIVEN TO SO MANY AND ESPECIALLY FOR YOUR FABULOUS HUG IN THE HOTEL LOBBY AT CAMP WIDOW 2011...OUR KNOWING SMILES AS WE PARTED SAID IT ALL...WE WILL BE OKAY...WHAT A GIFT OF LIGHT AND HOPE AND LOVE.
ReplyDeletevoice is one of the most ambiguous, confusing, and highly sought after elements of writing. This is very nice information sharing.
ReplyDeleteHow to have a good voice