Mixed Tears ....

                                                           pic from here

..... were flowing down my face today.
The man in my life, V, was holding me.

He had spent the day taking care of me after he took me to a hospital bright and early this morning so that I could have a procedure done on my shoulder.  I had to be put under so they wanted to make sure that someone would be staying the day with me, to keep any eye on me.
V did a very good job.
He watched me sleep on his couch while he worked on his computer.
He watched me read a book (and fight off sleep) while he did work over the phone.

It was a quiet day.
But it was day that spoke volumes.
He watched over me.
And that felt amazing and emotional all at the same time.

He loves me.  Very much.
I love him.  Very much.
I never thought I'd have this kind of love again.
But I was wrong.

He was holding me tonight and I told him "thank you".
"Thank you for taking care of me."
To which he replied, "I always will."
And then I started to cry.
Good tears.
Mostly.

Emotional tears because I couldn't believe I was saying those words ..... couldn't believe that I actually have someone in my life who loves me enough to want to take care of me.
And yet .... emotional tears because there was that small sliver of fear that sliced into my heart .... you know the one.
V said, "I always will." .... and I thought ..... "I hope so."
But we know that that's really all we have, isn't it?  ..... hope.
I hope he out-lives me (yes, selfishly I hope that).
I hope I never have to endure the death of a husband .... again.

And so I cried.
Mixed tears.
Tears of happiness and joy and thankfulness ..... for what I have.
And for what I had.

Tears of fear.
For what I now know can be lost in one breath.

I mostly am able to deal with that fear head on and stop those tears.
I am holding on to this man and loving him as crazily as he's loving me.
Because I know that life is short, so I'm not letting go.
But I'm holding on.

Yes, there are tears.
Mixed tears.
Tears of joy, happiness and thankfulness.

Tears of sadness .... tears for what was.

Tears of joy .... tears for what might be.

And tears of fear.  
Tears for what might happen.

Mixed tears.
All present.
All accounted for.
But there are far fewer tears for fear than for the good tears.
Far fewer.

So hang in there.
The tears will get mixed.
And easier to deal with.
Much easier.
:)