Saturday, November 12, 2011

i dream of you

The credit for this photo is uncertain and if anyone can verify the photographer that I will be happy to site credit for the image.

I've had many dreams of Jeff since his death. There are a few that are terrifying renditions of the last few minutes of his life; but the vast majority centre on seeing him again in a variety of surprising locations.
I've found him on dairy farms slogging through the mud. I have glimpsed him on boats passing bridges that I stand upon. I have found him sitting at the dinner table expectant for his next meal.
In each one of these absurdly set dreams, he is smiling, joyful and laughing. His mirth spills from him with such force that I believe that he is alive again and this whole death business has been an unfortunate ruse.
After hugging him forcefully and smelling him deeply, I usually beat upon his chest swearing at him for inconveniencing me with having to plan a funeral and all the painful outfall from the belief that he has been dead all this time.
He never utters a word but gleefully smiles at me and holds me tight. I always seem to come away from these dreams feeling that he is "okay" and that he is happy.
These dreams shifted recently when my dream of rearranging furniture into the perfect configuration was interrupted by a dreamland telephone ringing. I was too immersed in my activity to answer it. Jeff's good friend, Finnegan, answered, laughed and replied to the unseen person speaking, "I'll tell her...." He turned to me and said, "Jeff asked me to tell you that he loves you the whole pie and he's thinking of you." Outraged that Finnegan had hung up, I flung myself at the phone fervently trying to remember Jeff's contact number for wherever the hell he was.
I woke with my heart beating frantically and my mind attempting to grasp that telephone number to god-knows-where....As my head cleared, I realized I was looking for the number to "Heaven"....
Although I was frustrated and saddened that he was just beyond my reach, I was relieved that again, he seemed to be "here" and he was "alright"; in fact, he seemed happy.
I wonder if others have these dreams when they have lost someone so very dear to their heart? Is this my mind playing tricks in an attempt to soothe my heart? Or is Jeff reaching out to me from somewhere to let me know that he still loves me and will be with me always?


  1. So strange to read this post. Whenever I or any of my grown children dream of my late husband he is always smiling, happy and dressed in brightly coloured clothes. He is often somewhere where he is dancing. I also had a phone call dream where he said that he could not tell me where he was but that he was okay, I pleaded for him to come home and started to cry and said "I miss you so much" and he said I know but don't worry I am okay.
    When he first died and I dreamed of him, he was always sick and in a wheel chair. Now he never is. the other night I dreamt that he came to me and told me my daughter needs to see a doctor for her health, it was important.
    I never know if I am just projecting him. But the dancing dreams are something - whenever one of us has a dream like that we all get the feeling that it isn't just an imagining but that he is reaching out in some way. I hope that is true.

  2. I have had dreams like this all the time. I too look foward to these dreams, because often they make me feel better and like I have visited my love. Most of my dreams are like he is just here living life as usual, no longer as ill as he has been. I get signs too. I recently signed up with a matchmaker and when he called to tell me about a dinner party he was having that someone else dropped out of would I be interested in attending. When I asked the date, it was smack on my late husbands birthday! He told me he wanted me to find someone else to love, because I was to young,and too loving to remain alone. To me he was telling me that I was doing the right thing and it was the right time.

  3. Jackie, This was just what I needed to read today. I have been yearning to dream of my husband but since he died I have had trouble remembering my dreams at all. I think that he's been there a few times but I don't have that certain memory of my dreams that I used to have. However, on my last birthday my son had a vivid dream - so real, he said, that he was awakened by his cell phone and it was Michael. He sounded so real, my son said. His voice was strong as it was before cancer. He told my son to tell me that he was in Heaven and that he was ok and so, so happy. My son (age 25) was in tears when he told me and then he said that he knew that this was real because it was my birthday. Oh, how I wish that I had a dream like that.

  4. I thought I was the only one. I've had 3 dreams exactly like you are describing. The first was outdoors on an open park bench. He looked amazing, said nothing, and did nothiing but smile. I talked to him about how hard this was and that I missed him so much and he nodded in agreement. Then I lectured him on all the things I need help with and he gave me this look of "really?". Then I touched his cheek and asked him how was I suppose to live without this face and then he disappeared. I was jolted awake and then it felt like I lost him all over again. The other 2 dreams were different but he looked the same in them: so healthy, radiant, and so very happy. I wonder what they are trying to tell us...

  5. Oh, I dream of him, all right. Usually I know what they symbolize.

    The first dream I remember after his death was that he and I were going through some sort of a machine ("going through the motions" of living), that we got separated, and that when we emerged, he had lost part of his leg and part of an arm ("being separated from the other half of my soul and having it mangled").

    The one that disturbed me the most was the one where I thought he committed suicide (probably about 6 months out). When I woke up from that one, it literally took me a few minutes to remember how he had actually died, because it had seemed so real.

    There have also been nice dreams, normal dreams, ones where we are reliving our normal lives. Those are nice while they last, but then I wake in the morning to realize that he's still gone, and he's never coming back. And that hurts the most.

    The recurring theme over the past three months or so (eighteen months out) is that he's moved and I don't have his new phone number so I can't reach him - when I saw that theme in your dream it was an absolute "that's it exactly" moment.

  6. Makes me think that it's a way of communicating. How similar all of your dreams are!
    I haven't dreamed of him much. A few in the second month, maybe, but always so hard to remember. I do remember that I was aware he was dead but back to visit and he couldn't really understand what I was saying. So as I tried to tell him that he wouldn't be able to stay forever because he was dead, he just ignored me, almost as if he couldn't hear me. Frustrating.
    I haven't yet had a phone call dream that I can remember, but phone call dreams from the dead are pretty common. I almost don't want a dream that's too real, that replicates having him back. Waking up to reality will be too painful, I fear.

  7. I have had alot of dreams as well as waking experiences. Yes, I definitely think they are reaching out to us. It would be too long to go into here but the awake experiences I have had leave no doubt (and I promise I'm not a nut case, I have had strange experiences and dreams long before my husband passed). I have always had an ability to FEEL what we can't see, and I have experienced many of those events also since the passing. I had an incredible dream just a week ago, with my husband lying next to me in bed, holding my hand. It was so real that after I woke up I felt something like electrical charges going through my whole body, and I got up and sat in my chair and sobbed joyful tears in the middle of the night. I'm sure it's your husband reaching out to you.

  8. Thank goodness for the few minutes we have in our dreams where we can once again touch and hug our loved one! But during my dreams i am always worried about how to prorate the life insurance that I will have to pay back! Great post. Thank you.

  9. Oh Jackie - I'm laughing and crying at the same time. The picture could be an exact match to a dream I had last week that I blogged here:
    I felt like such an idiot for days afterwards ... I mean I was looking for him when I Was Technically Awake!!
    I can't tell you how much this post made me feel less stupid!

  10. Whenever I have dreamed of my late husband, who was wheelchair bound for 3 years prior to his death and completely paralyzed during the last 3 months, he is always completely well and walking normally. The walking part is always so wonderful to see again...and he is happy, always happy. I am moved to see others have had the same experience which helps confirm my personal belief that it is indeed a message to me from my husband, who is happy in heaven. As always, thank you for sharing.

  11. I am so jealous! As a "non-dreamer" I really envy the chance just to see my loved one again, if only in a dream. I am so glad for you all.

  12. I'm jealous. I used to be a vivid, multi-dream, dreamer. However, since my husband's death, I rarely dream. Of course, when one rarely sleeps, dreaming is difficult!Others have had dreams about him. I want my own.

  13. When my husband first passed away (2 1/2 years ago) I used to dream of him all the time. He died unexpectedly and I kept saying to him, you're really not dead. Now in my dreams, I usually know that he is not alive, but I still dream of him very often.